AIBU to be pissed off she lied and took a flight without telling us!

[Authorinwaiting]

Daughter is 21. She was in a relationship up until Christmas but met someone else and dumped boyfriend.

She has moved home now and living here full time. She was supposed to be taking time on her own to get her head straight.

This weekend she made a big deal about going to her friends house to stay for the weekend. She made up a whole itinerary and off she went.

Now for perspective she has not been in contact with this friend for ages and fell out as far as I knew. So I was kinda glad she was picking up with her girlfriends again.

Normally she would text loads when she's away both with me and her brothers. We heard nothing except when she messaged yesterday to say she needed a lift home from the bus stop.

I was really suspicious. She was talking in the car after I picked her up
About this fella she met before Christmas and how he invited her to an engagement party with him. He lives in Manchester. We are in NI.

She's gone to uni this morning and left her rubbish out of her pocket on the table. There are two stage coach tickets for Manchester there. So she lied. She's not taking time out on her own and she was in Manchester!

I fell so let down and disappointed. I haven't told anyone because I don't want them
To think ill of her but am I being overbearing as a mum? I mean how do I approach this?

Try not to be annoyed or disappointed in her, otherwise she will not be honest with you, she may feel like you will judge her and that’s why she’s not said anything so try not to. Either that or she’s just a private person, I am too and used to hide relationships from my family, I don’t know why I did it it’s not because my mum did anything wrong for me not to tell her. If she had asked me in an understanding and friendly way then I would be honest with her. She’s not done anything wrong so it’s not a big deal. If it was my mum she would just straight out say it in a laughing type tone with a smile on her face and I would crumble and tell her, that kind of situation will bring you guys closer, telling her your disappointed will create a distance.

This. She's 21, wasn't happy, and now has a shag buddy who is hopefully nice to her. You cannot be involved right now. At all.

Take a step break, don't go looking in rubbish. Let you daughter make her own decisions and mistakes. Be there, when needed with support and kindness. You'll find your daughter will treat you with the same in the time.

Yes, that's awful. Rummaging through someone's rubbish for clues!

Too bad the daughter didn't think on and dispose of it all. Oh well, she knows better next time!

She left the country without telling her mum. I wasn’t telling my mum everything I was up to in my 20s, certainly wasn’t telling her when I was in the early stages of seeing someone. I wasn’t stupid, I would tell my friends / sister who I was meeting, where and when. But my mum didn’t need to know every detail.

She's 21. You're being really controlling for someone whose an adult.

Need to back off before you push her away.

Shes 21 shes a grown adult. Its her choice and perhaps if you backed off with yoir opinions of what she should do she wouldnt feel the need to hide it.

She's obviously felt that she has to lie so that you don't judge her or say anything negative. She's 21 and an adult but I would have a conversation with her and see if she told anyone where she was really going for safeguarding reasons. I would feel disappointed in myself if my daughter felt she had to lie to me about things like that. Not as if she's done anything wrong she split with old boyfriend so not cheating or anything. Let her make her own mistakes

You will have a NC daughter very soon if you don't work on this.

Nothing! She is 21 it's none of your business. You either ask her to move out or don't, but either way you don't get to dictate to a 21 year old ADULT. YOU DONT GET TO USE HOUSING TO CONTROL PEOPLE

Just be open trll her you would rather she told you where she was and you are there with an open mind when she needs to talk but unless he is a complete ah just be glad she is happy as she is an adult. and for her to feel she has to lie to her own family then she obviously has reason , you can't dictate to her but you can support her decisions and open up a free line of communication, just don't interfere , your opinion isn't warranted , all you will do is push your daughter away, it's her life to lead how she wants to live. Open up the communication barriers allow her to be open and honest without any judgement.

I’m 50 and I don’t lie to DM but I don’t tell her much at all because she is overbearing. She’ll tell me where I’m going wrong all the time (I’m doing fine and no need for input) but it’s based on her extreme anxieties.

I would ask yourself if you are perhaps giving her too much unsolicited advice.

I would be annoyed she lied too. But from a safety perspective (not knowing where she is and with who...although she is 21 and nobody had a clue where I was at 18 and at uni) and feeling upset she thought she had to if it's out of character. I would be more concerned for her reasons for lying re: your relationship. I think that she's 21 and probably making mistakes. What 21 year old doesn't. It's part of living and learning.

I think at the moment she is feeling very judged by you and she wanted to live and spread her wings. She wants to do that without disapproval. I would be disappointed if my kids didn't make mistakes; didn't have multiple relationships etc. Youth is a time for exploration and fun as long as you do it safely. There's plenty of time for routine, settling down and predictability in your 30's and 40's. I appreciate that now...but only because I stretched my wings in my 20's-30's 👍

I think you tackle it, but also reflect on your own behaviour and tell her your hurt. But also you recognise why she felt she should lie and that's going to change; so she feels safer telling you the truth. Good luck op ❤️

She doesn't have to tell you anything about what she does to be fair. She's a fully grown adult. I appreciate that your her Mum and you are going to worry.

My DM is exactly like you and it is why I have only minimum contact and likewise my children. This is their choices as they discovered for themselves how she is. Our conversations are superficial at best, she knows nothing about our lives. I learned from an early age to hide things from her. I am 60. If this is the future you want carry on ? If not wind your neck in.

Don't know if it is a cultural thing but my DM is also Irish and lives there. I prefer to keep a large expanse of sea between us as I suspect your daughter may also.

My daughter is almost 21 and wouldn't feel the need to lie to me. I don't get involved in friendship/ relationship dramas.

I would be concerned that 1 she had felt the need to lie and 2 that i didn't know here she was (for safety reasons)

Unless she asks your opinion, her love life is none of your business. Back off.

If she's 21 then she's entitled to live her life as she wants. I used to feel terrible pressure from my mother and if I was your daughter in this scenario I would have done what your daughter did, if that makes sense. I was 45 before it occurred to me that I didn't actually have to live my entire life to please my mum and really her reaction to whatever I did was her problem and not mine. I didn't exist to make her happy. Have to say I have felt much happier since.

I'm not sure that I understand there is any situation for you to manage to be honest. She's a 21 year old adult living her own life and making her own decisions. Your posts read very overbearing and like you're trying to micromanage her personal life, and if that is the case I wouldn't tell you anything if you were my mother either.

You're taken a bit of stick in the comments but I really hope you think about the points made before you end up with adult children who will choose to minimise contact with you.

Manage what? it's none of your business in any way.

She's 21! Absolutely none of your business, she probably didn't tell you because she knew the judgey reaction.

She's 21. And she didn't tell you because she thought you wouldn't approve. And it sounds like you don't...

Say you're sad she didn't feel she could tell you. Don't "confront" her over it. Mine still asks "is that okay?" It's sweet but I know that actually they're an adult so I know it's really just a courtesy rather than me having an actual say.

She's 21 and an adult. Don't look through her things next time and just leave it.

She's an adult. Give her space. I'm assuming she didn't tell you, because either you were close to ex-boyfriend or she's still working out new relationship or new relationship has been going on for longer than you and ex-boyfriend know. But especially if you had a good relationship with ex-boyfriend, I'd step right back and wait until DD wants to involve you in her love life.

You are an overbearing Mum I've found NI parents think their offspring are kids for much longer than others in the UK though . I totally understand how Dd behaved she knew how you would react