Husband doing chores for ex

[Katey83]

I’ll try and keep this brief as poss and not drip feed.

I’ve been married for just over a year, together three and a half. We have an 18 month old son. My DH has a daughter from an ex (they never married) - she left him for someone else when DSD was 2, had twins with the other guy and then left the other guy about a year ago. DSD now 10. When DH and I got together his ex lived 150 miles away with her boyfriend. She moved back to where we live now (all of our hometown) when she split with bf about a year ago.

Since she has been back she regularly asks my DH to do handiwork favours - putting up shelves, collecting heavy packages, putting flat pack furniture together. He always does what she asks. I feel this is really disrespectful to our relationship, as he is not this woman’s partner and should not be using our family time to ‘help’ her out. She is a person who likes a traditional set up with her doing ‘homely’ cooking and nurturing and a man doing the DIY and providing. I don’t think my DH should be stepping into the role of that man. Especially when there are things that need doing at our house, and it means I get left alone for the day with baby.

This is now a huge issue in our marriage. DH says he does the chores because he wants his daughter (who we have EOW) to live in a nice home and not have a stressed mum. It is true his relationship with his dd has been massively impacted by her mum leaving and living far away. I get this, and should say that I believe that he is not cheating with the ex. My DH is the sort of man who would do favours for anyone who asked him. But I think it is disrespectful to keep giving time and energy to an ex partner and want him to stop. We have been at one another’s throats over this this week and I am so ready to launch an ultimatum over this. He says I am being controlling. I think he is being naive. But maybe am being unreasonable.

What do others think?

I can see why you might be fed up with your DH being at the ex's beck and call. Perhaps you and your DH could come to an arrangement where he doesn't do every task for her, maybe just a couple a month or something? The ex will have to do what everyone else does and get a tradesperson in.

He spends whole days at her house doing DIY on our days off. Would you be happy if your DH did this for an ex?

He is putting her first and I wouldn’t be happy with that at all. She LOVES it because she is still in control of him. I understand him supporting this overly for his daughter of course but this sounds like it’s wayyyy over the line.

All this would be a huge no from me. My husbands ex does not come before me or dictate how his spare time is spent.

Suggest a middle ground
He's a nice guy, he likes to help, it's his daughters mum.
But he doesn't have to do everything straight away, or even do everything.
He can start by pushing back on the smaller stuff, running errands etc. Doing things when it suits him, when he goes to pick DD up etc, not just when she wants.
He can make her wait a little bit longer so she starts to wonder if she's better just asking someone else.

I definitely think there needs to be a compromise. I think helping every so often is acceptable and yes it's good his daughter can see her parents having a good amicable relationship but you shouldn't be left holding the baby so he can keep nipping round every weekend at her beck and call.

When you say he regularly helps her how frequently is that. If it’s two or three times a week unacceptable, if it’s twice a month I think that’s alright

Nope, wouldn't be happy at all.

Can see the argument for example if it's putting daughters new bed together etc or an urgent leak thats one thing but doing random household stuff for the ex no way, I'd be really pissed off

I can see why you're not happy about this.

I get that if it's e.g. building their DD a new bed he would be happy to do so but the other stuff...no. Would she still be asking him if she was in another relationship? I doubt it.

I dont see an issue in him helping his daughter

YANBU. It doesn’t sound like these chores are anything to do with helping their child just helping her. She’s a grown up and should be perfectly capable of doing her own DIY. I’d be having words with DH, draw the line.

Is he prioritising her and her DIY over you and your child?

TBH if he spends a day over a weekend doing things when he could be having family time I can understand why you'd be annoyed. If it's once a week then YANBU, if it's once every month or so then yabu

His ex wasn't very traditional when she had three kids without being married to either father. It sounds more like strategic incompetence to me, to get others to do her bidding.

If it is directly to benefit his daughter, fair dos. E.g. assembling a bed for her.

If it is more to benefit the household, nope. That should be on the ex to sort out, either directly or via a handyman.

It is at least once a week. Sometimes more.

Over 8 hours of DIY every week for over a year? What has she done- bought IKEA?

It depends.

If it's putting up shelves or redecorating his dd's room, I wouldn't have a problem with it. He's helping his child. Putting up a trampoline in the garden, fine.

Redecorating his ex-wife's bedroom, not fine.

It’s not always 8 hours. Sometimes it’s a twenty minute job but he needs to drive there and back, collect items to do the work etc, so it usually takes at least a couple of hours out of the morning/afternoon, and so means effectively we don’t get a day together.

Nope. Not on. She should be getting her own tradespeople in for her DIY.
The family time with DSD should be either at your family home or DH and DSD together away from the ex ffs

DIY more than once a week?

I smell fish

It would be a hard no from me. If his ex needs help with DIY she should hire a handyman. Flip the script on him - how would he like it if you asked him to look after the baby so you could help your ex out by doing his laundry or cooking him a meal? I’m sure he would have no problem with it because you were just being a nice gal?

It’s a no from me. But unless you can change his mind, if he starts pulling back it will be because “Katey doesn’t like it” “Katey is stopping me” “you know what Katey’s like” and their shared eyerolling about you will further cement the them and you.

I don’t think you are jealous or threatened, you just don’t want this cuckoo in your nest, if you knew you would get in the way of their relationship you probably wouldn’t have pursued one with a man who is so beholden to another woman.

Why don't you suggest he has a better contact arrangement with his daughter?

Once a week? That sounds less like DIY and more like doing each other, to be honest.

I get on well with my ex husband, it wouldn’t occur to me to call him and ask him to do diy for me. It is odd behaviour.

Not always DIY - like I said in OP can be all sorts of chores. Picking up heavy items from
shops for example (at risk of outing self if she reads it, a couple weeks ago it was bags of soul from a gardening place as she doesn’t have a car). She is renovating a new place so has ramped up in last couple months, but it always seems to be something. She has even once had him watch all three kids so she can get nails done as ‘I don’t get any me time as a single mum’. He says time with DD, but he could have DD here and let me get my nails done! I can’t remember last time he had our baby alone so I could do stuff.