Husband doing chores for ex

[Katey83]

I’ll try and keep this brief as poss and not drip feed.

I’ve been married for just over a year, together three and a half. We have an 18 month old son. My DH has a daughter from an ex (they never married) - she left him for someone else when DSD was 2, had twins with the other guy and then left the other guy about a year ago. DSD now 10. When DH and I got together his ex lived 150 miles away with her boyfriend. She moved back to where we live now (all of our hometown) when she split with bf about a year ago.

Since she has been back she regularly asks my DH to do handiwork favours - putting up shelves, collecting heavy packages, putting flat pack furniture together. He always does what she asks. I feel this is really disrespectful to our relationship, as he is not this woman’s partner and should not be using our family time to ‘help’ her out. She is a person who likes a traditional set up with her doing ‘homely’ cooking and nurturing and a man doing the DIY and providing. I don’t think my DH should be stepping into the role of that man. Especially when there are things that need doing at our house, and it means I get left alone for the day with baby.

This is now a huge issue in our marriage. DH says he does the chores because he wants his daughter (who we have EOW) to live in a nice home and not have a stressed mum. It is true his relationship with his dd has been massively impacted by her mum leaving and living far away. I get this, and should say that I believe that he is not cheating with the ex. My DH is the sort of man who would do favours for anyone who asked him. But I think it is disrespectful to keep giving time and energy to an ex partner and want him to stop. We have been at one another’s throats over this this week and I am so ready to launch an ultimatum over this. He says I am being controlling. I think he is being naive. But maybe am being unreasonable.

What do others think?

There are only so many shelves and flat pack furniture someone can put up! Are these by any chance in his daughter's room?

Thats exactly what I thought

How do you know what she is asking him for/to do?

Does he tell you

Even if it is genuine I still wouldn't have it. Because whilst I totally get and accept that KIDS COME FIRST - I'm next. Not the ex/golf/pub/football/work/extended family blah blah blah. ME.

Is this the little girl who was sent to live with you both as soon as your baby was born, but was then sent back to live with her mum?

If so, could your DH being doing it out of guilt?

She's had a lot of upheaval what with her mum and dad splitting up, the new bloke in her mum's life, the birth of the twins, then going to live with you and her dad but then going to live back with her mum again?

Doing DIY for your ex is not “fulfilling a parental responsibility”, don’t be so ridiculous.

You seem to have missed that this "D"H does precisely zero - zip, nada - parenting for their joint child. And lugging bags of soil from the garden centre for his ex to avoid delivery charges has nothing to do with the older child.

OP - definitely ultimatum time. As pp have said, time for him to take over equal time with your toddler. And maybe suggest he go for 50:50 with the older child, in court if need be.

He says time with DD, but he could have DD here and let me get my nails done! I can’t remember last time he had our baby alone so I could do stuff.

I think THIS is the crux of the problem... and something I would insist changes. Book yourself in for mails.or whatever OP and he can hold the baby.

Sorry - I only read the original post but not the subsequent dialogue afterwards so I would revise my comment. Don’t understand why disagreeing with the majority is “trolling”. Would be grateful to have that explained.

@Katey83 would not trust his ex one little bit!! what would she do if he did not help her out and do HER chores??? he should be saying no and putting his current partner and children first, not his ex partner and her other children!

Oh wow ok. I thought yabu but that amount is nuts. Are you sure he's not sleeping with her?

Sure. Let him but next time he takes the kids with him.

He is contributing more to her household and feeding his saviour complex than he is to yours.

So make him take kids as well. That way, he can do what he wants BUT you are not landed with extra work while he is out. YOU then get a break to do what you want to do as well.

He also can't shag the ex with the kids in tow...

No way i'd be happy with this setup. She has way too much control over a man she rejected and he's happy to run at her command. That is telling.

I'm torn on this truthfully. I get why you'd be annoyed by this, but at the same time I personally would be striving to co parent amicably with an ex and demonstrate a good united front to dd if I was in their shoes because that's probably better for dd than watching her mum struggle with things alone and her dad refuse to help out. I also see no reason why he wouldn't 'babysit' his own child to allow her mother a break. Similarly he should be happy to 'babysit' your kids to let you have a break as and when you need one.

I think if you genuinely trust your dh that he would never cheat and it's nothing more than platonic wanting to be helpful and thinking of his dd, then you need to accept that at times he will be needed for things like that.

BUT

I think you need to agree a clear boundary on it so it's not overtaking all of your family time. For example you agree he can do a DIY day for her one day a month for example and it needs to be focused on things that benefit dd.

I've maybe missed it in the thread but how often is he getting to see his dd? How often does she stay with you guys in the week?

She matters more to him than you do.

He’s a stay at home dad but only parents his eldest kid every other weekend? What his excuse for that absolutely pathetic level of contact?

And you sound like a doormat.

OP is not 'insane' for expecting reasonable boundaries with the ex.

Right now her DH is fulfilling the 'male partner' role in his ex's life. Now, that's fine....occasionally. But he is overdoing it by dropping and running as requested and using the emotional bomb of making a nice home for his child.

Does the ex not have friends? Family? By calling the ex she's exerting control and OP's DH is letting it interfere with his relationship.

YANBU OP.

He is being disrespectful in the extreme here. All of it. he is choosing to give her his available time and energy rather than invest it in your joint family. He is not listening. I would give an ultimatum that it all needs to stop, all of it, or we are over. Be prepared to follow through

Thanks everyone for the thoughts. I’m logging off now rather than answer the personal questions about contact and such with dsd as it’s a minefield and wasn’t my issue.

This.

I'd also be issuing an ultimatum.

It's time she started getting heavy items delivered and finding a local creche or babysitter.

If she wants to drop their shared child over perhaps that could be accommodated.

He's not fulfilling his responsibilities to his 10 year old child.

If he was she would be in the OP's house more.

How’s it a minefield? The man has nothing but time on his hands and sees his kid once a fortnight-that is appalling, and there’s no excuse I can dream up that justifies it. 26 times a year!

I would actually argue that this is doing his daughter a massive disservice by modelling to her that women are helpless and can’t possibly do anything without the help of a big, strong man. Instead I would want her mum to be showing her that women can put furniture together by themselves, can do DIY, can decorate etc. My ex is a tradesman but hell would freeze over before I ask him for help assembling furniture! I’m a perfectly capable, grown woman! And I’m assuming OP’s DSD’s mum is too!

She said ‘EOW’. I assume that means daughter with them every other week. So also with the mum 26 weeks a year. Sadly, this is what happens when relationships with children end.

This is BS. She is taking advantage of him. Why can't she assemble furniture, is she physically disabled? Can she employ a handyman like all others do (whether single or not). I would tell him it's going to have to stop, she is taking advantage and you feel totally neglected. Does the ex have financial problems? She likes being 'homely' i.e workshy?
Yeah what a piece of work. Could you speak to her?

Also worth remembering this woman chose to leave her partner (who sounds easy going according to OP) , then immediately had 2 kids with new fella. Why can't HE help her? If she so flipping incapable of everything. The Ex needs to stop using the daughter as an excuse.

I love to see the diversity of responses on this site - it’s really helpful to get different perspectives. What I don’t understand though is why people don’t ask direct questions to the subject of their posts eg” why are you seeing her so often “ , “what have I done to piss me off” etc?
Why do people ask Munsnet rather than the people they need answers from?