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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband doing chores for ex

220 replies

Katey83 · 30/01/2024 15:09

I’ll try and keep this brief as poss and not drip feed.

I’ve been married for just over a year, together three and a half. We have an 18 month old son. My DH has a daughter from an ex (they never married) - she left him for someone else when DSD was 2, had twins with the other guy and then left the other guy about a year ago. DSD now 10. When DH and I got together his ex lived 150 miles away with her boyfriend. She moved back to where we live now (all of our hometown) when she split with bf about a year ago.

Since she has been back she regularly asks my DH to do handiwork favours - putting up shelves, collecting heavy packages, putting flat pack furniture together. He always does what she asks. I feel this is really disrespectful to our relationship, as he is not this woman’s partner and should not be using our family time to ‘help’ her out. She is a person who likes a traditional set up with her doing ‘homely’ cooking and nurturing and a man doing the DIY and providing. I don’t think my DH should be stepping into the role of that man. Especially when there are things that need doing at our house, and it means I get left alone for the day with baby.

This is now a huge issue in our marriage. DH says he does the chores because he wants his daughter (who we have EOW) to live in a nice home and not have a stressed mum. It is true his relationship with his dd has been massively impacted by her mum leaving and living far away. I get this, and should say that I believe that he is not cheating with the ex. My DH is the sort of man who would do favours for anyone who asked him. But I think it is disrespectful to keep giving time and energy to an ex partner and want him to stop. We have been at one another’s throats over this this week and I am so ready to launch an ultimatum over this. He says I am being controlling. I think he is being naive. But maybe am being unreasonable.

What do others think?

OP posts:
Gillypie23 · 31/01/2024 05:10

Are you sure nothing is going on!
I wouldn't be happy with every week.

Ethylred · 31/01/2024 05:40

Must clean my spectacles. I read the title as ``Husband does chores for sex'' and couldn't decide whether I approved.

coolcahuna · 31/01/2024 06:29

I totally get this and how you feel. I was in a relationship with someone who was at the beck and call of his ex. Running around at the drop of a hat. I suggested that he only help with things that directly related or helped the kids - building a bed for the kids YES, giving her a lift to a party on her own NO. It did partly work when I reframed it like that. It's like the ex wants the husband help when he's an ex!

doilooklikeicare · 31/01/2024 06:34

Katey83 · 30/01/2024 15:30

He spends whole days at her house doing DIY on our days off. Would you be happy if your DH did this for an ex?

Helping out is ok, this isn't acceptable though.

Gloobyfree · 31/01/2024 06:57

What @IncompleteSenten said.

The hurt and feeling of disrespect you are feeling, OP, comes from your husbands choices.

Unless his ex is threatening him in some way (if you don’t help me, you can see DD, etc), then he is actively choosing her over you and your joint DC.

That is not acceptable.

If he can’t see that - if his desire to spend time with you and your joint DC, making a nice home and time for you all - isn’t more of a draw for him than lumping bags of soil for his ex, then I think you have a real problem.

Even worse is that he is not understanding or caring about how this is making you feel.

Calamitousness · 31/01/2024 07:03

OP, I hear you. Yes once in a while, him helping is fine. This is not that. The fact he’s so unwilling to stop being at her beck and call would have me livid. Hope you sort this soon. I’d say if he’s not sleeping with her then he’s flattered by her attention and thinking of her.

doilooklikeicare · 31/01/2024 07:04

Blondebutnotlegally · 30/01/2024 20:14

You said yourself he would do it for anyone. He has a relationship to nurture with the mother of his child, albeit not a romantic one anymore, but still a very important one.

Really grinds my gears when people come in to a wonderfully friendly, platonic and healthy setup and put their foot down because "that's your ex!!!".

If my husband and I broke up, I'd still put my family unit first, and that includes the father of my children.

In theory you might, in reality you wouldn't!

Gloobyfree · 31/01/2024 07:32

Also @doilooklikeicare , this hasn’t been a friendly coparenting relationship!

Ex is massively taking advantage of the situation, but OPs husband is allowing it.

Where are the other ex’s doing her bidding?

Nena1989x · 31/01/2024 08:03

Been there, seen that.

He did end up sleeping with her.

Don't stand for it OP he's taking the piss. Handymen are ten a penny. She can find one anywhere.

aarghnotmeagain · 31/01/2024 08:08

I imagine he is doing this as he is desperate for her not to leave and take his daughter away again. He wants her to settle here so he can see his daughter.

I’d leave this be, personally. He’ll see it as you not caring about his relationship with his daughter. Or understanding his trauma when she left.

ButterCrackers · 31/01/2024 08:12

I like the idea suggested by others that he brings his son along. It’ll give you a break and he will realise that he has parenting responsibilities to his son. I doubt that his exP will be best pleased.

BarrelOfOtters · 31/01/2024 08:18

Tbh he’ll probably get there by himself and start cutting back on what he does. But I don’t think it’s a bad thing in itself.

Much better to have a good relationship. You’ll get boundaries in time.

Spirallingdownwards · 31/01/2024 08:19

You say she is renovating her place. Well ot sounds very much like actually he is!

BirdsAreDinosInDisguise · 31/01/2024 08:28

Katey83 · 30/01/2024 15:53

Not always DIY - like I said in OP can be all sorts of chores. Picking up heavy items from
shops for example (at risk of outing self if she reads it, a couple weeks ago it was bags of soul from a gardening place as she doesn’t have a car). She is renovating a new place so has ramped up in last couple months, but it always seems to be something. She has even once had him watch all three kids so she can get nails done as ‘I don’t get any me time as a single mum’. He says time with DD, but he could have DD here and let me get my nails done! I can’t remember last time he had our baby alone so I could do stuff.

Edited

I think this is your issue. If you felt he was engaged in your relationship you probably wouldn’t care so much about him helping her out.

Book something you would like (hair, nails, seat at a local cafe to enjoy a cuppa before its tepid, whatever you want) and tell him you need him to parent your shared child at that time. Book family activities and tell him you expect him to join you if he hopes to remain a family unit. Book date night.

should you have to organise it all? No. But it’s better than resentment building that you don’t get those things.

ZiriForGood · 31/01/2024 08:44

Vikingess · 30/01/2024 17:43

I love to see the diversity of responses on this site - it’s really helpful to get different perspectives. What I don’t understand though is why people don’t ask direct questions to the subject of their posts eg” why are you seeing her so often “ , “what have I done to piss me off” etc?
Why do people ask Munsnet rather than the people they need answers from?

Asking MN often works as a way to organise one's thoughts before asking the direct questions.
Getting some ideas what a respons might be, what different positions people hold on the topic, and most importantly better understanding what exactly is annoying her about the situation.
In ideal case it leads to better conversations.

LumpyandBumps · 31/01/2024 09:15

Ethylred · 31/01/2024 05:40

Must clean my spectacles. I read the title as ``Husband does chores for sex'' and couldn't decide whether I approved.

Yes, I mis read it as that too. I need a new fence and was just wondering what the ‘going rate’ was. 😂😂

TheSnakeCharmer · 31/01/2024 09:57

I think that he is doing it because he is nice and wants his daughter to live in a nice place. I wouldn't feel threatened by this. However, I do think that she's taking advantage of him. That said, you are also wasting your family time by launching into a tirade against him. I think that, if he were doing favours for an elderly relative, you would be less bothered by this.

user1492757084 · 31/01/2024 10:06

Instead of complaining about the chores for the ex, arrange some time for yourself.
Mark in the calender a day for your self each fortnight.
Leave DH with baby and go and meet your sister or go get your hair done or whatever. Also start to set up a nice space for your child. Buy some shelves, furniture etc.
Plan some day trips and hikes as a family.

Can you both agree on a few hours each month when DH will play handyman - an expected window of time?

Rewis · 31/01/2024 10:45

The issue is that he prioritises his ex and daughter over your family. He doesn't pull his weight at home but does it at his ex's house.

diddl · 31/01/2024 10:49

If he's she's renovating a new place you could argue that it all benefits his daughter!

So he's now neglecting(?) his youngest kids for his ex/eldest but doesn't see the eldest that much anyway?

He sounds shit all round!

If he has daughter eow then his ex could be getting stuff done in the house then!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 31/01/2024 11:06

DH is being played. Bags of compost won’t matter a jot to his daughter. How is compost making life nicer for her.
Do your know what I would do op, next time he’s off to put up a shelf or whatever for her, pick up your coat and your dc and go with him.

Where is the other ex of the ex, the father of the twins? Why couldn’t he look after his own kids plus ops stepdaughter while ex got her nails done?
Or has he wised up to her and said no.

orangegato · 31/01/2024 11:13

Get the bitch a screwdriver and she can do her own flatpack?

CoffeeMama89 · 31/01/2024 11:29

I put yabu because I don’t think it’s worth ending a relationship over. I wouldn’t be happy if this was happening every week. It does sound like he’s doing too much.

Wednesdaysphiltrum · 31/01/2024 12:39

CoffeeMama89 · 31/01/2024 11:29

I put yabu because I don’t think it’s worth ending a relationship over. I wouldn’t be happy if this was happening every week. It does sound like he’s doing too much.

In conjunction with the OP’s other threads it very much is worth ending a relationship with this terrible man.

Summerstarsarepink · 31/01/2024 13:44

I feel you.
I have a very similar scenario .
Ex on phone asking for life advice .
Ex on phone wanting to catch up re children ( every bloody day even though they are late Teen)
My DH, step kids and ex -
going out together as a family unit !!!!!

I hear you !
I know that DH does this for the children and it’s taken me about 4 years to accept that it’s nothing more than DH caring about his wonderful children . He is a top bloke. My dad left me and did f all . So
I respect DH. I respect he had kids before me too. But it absolutely winds me up at times however I am very grateful and happy to have my own wonderful family.
You are able to have some boundaries. So I said ask ex to stop ringing at dinner / bed time as I need help with getting children to bed . I also asked he stop telling her children off for her as her request as it led to a break down in his relationship with the children which caused so Much drama .

Dont be sucked into it . If calmly see boundaries with DH but if he can’t stick to them then you have every right to
sY you’re not going to continue like this .