Husband doing chores for ex

[Katey83]

I’ll try and keep this brief as poss and not drip feed.

I’ve been married for just over a year, together three and a half. We have an 18 month old son. My DH has a daughter from an ex (they never married) - she left him for someone else when DSD was 2, had twins with the other guy and then left the other guy about a year ago. DSD now 10. When DH and I got together his ex lived 150 miles away with her boyfriend. She moved back to where we live now (all of our hometown) when she split with bf about a year ago.

Since she has been back she regularly asks my DH to do handiwork favours - putting up shelves, collecting heavy packages, putting flat pack furniture together. He always does what she asks. I feel this is really disrespectful to our relationship, as he is not this woman’s partner and should not be using our family time to ‘help’ her out. She is a person who likes a traditional set up with her doing ‘homely’ cooking and nurturing and a man doing the DIY and providing. I don’t think my DH should be stepping into the role of that man. Especially when there are things that need doing at our house, and it means I get left alone for the day with baby.

This is now a huge issue in our marriage. DH says he does the chores because he wants his daughter (who we have EOW) to live in a nice home and not have a stressed mum. It is true his relationship with his dd has been massively impacted by her mum leaving and living far away. I get this, and should say that I believe that he is not cheating with the ex. My DH is the sort of man who would do favours for anyone who asked him. But I think it is disrespectful to keep giving time and energy to an ex partner and want him to stop. We have been at one another’s throats over this this week and I am so ready to launch an ultimatum over this. He says I am being controlling. I think he is being naive. But maybe am being unreasonable.

What do others think?

I'm 50/50
He sounds like a genuinely nice guy, and there's nothing wrong with giving a hand.
That said, in your shoes I'd be pissed off with the frequency of these jobs.
One thing I would be wary of though... if you do issue an ultimatum, be prepared for her to have a door open waiting

It's 2023, most women are capable of flat pack assembly and general diy. without calling on a big strong man!
She'll never learn if he runs after her.

Who only takes his daughter EOW and never looks after his baby he has with the OP alone.

Absolutely out of order.

He doesn't seem to be listening to your concerns either, which is more worrying.
He's putting her first.

Heck, next thing he'll be staying overnight to babysit the three of them while she goes out on the lash for her "me time"

Or so he will claim 🤐

In all honesty he probably misses his daughter since she went back to live with her mum.

Could he not have her a bit more often, thus limiting the visits to her house?

She needs to hire a handy man, wtf?
I would not be okay with this OP 😂

You’re fucking insane. He does not owe her any of this handy shit.

This is what happens when you have children with someone who already has a child. She is the mother of his child. She'll always be his extended family, in a sense.

I think the only question is if it helps his daughter and that help is needed

if the ex js a mess and that’s impacting on his daughter - if the ex benefits that is irrelevant if it overall makes a needed impact for his daughter

There speaks someone who isn’t in a blended family!

No. Exes are exes. You can be amicable for the kids. They are not your sibling though, they are an ex. You maintain respectful distance if you want a new marriage. Why do people think the ‘new’ spouse is the only one that needs to compromise.

In my situation my DH is cordial to his ex. If he started helping her put furniture together our relationship wouldn’t survive it. Same as if I popped over to my ex and made him a sandwich!

This can happen when your dp already has dc with someone before you.
He obviously feels loyal to her and his dd. I’d be questioning why it takes all day to put up a shelf!

Agree with @Youcannotbeseriousreally who said this perfectly.

No I wouldn't be happy. Emergency pipe burst, fine, putting together a bed for DD, Fine. Anything else she can sod off and if he persisted 8d be kicking him out and sending him.back to her

No husband would tolerate his wife constantly going to her ex partner's house to do jobs for him, while leaving their baby home with the husband.

I'm beginning to suspect that the ex is trying to reel OP's husband back in, where he used to be. He seems willing enough to go there - maybe he's never really got over her leaving him?

WHOLE DAYS?????? No definitely not.

I'd certainly be asking her to come over and do some chores to help your DH household - maybe she can babysit so you can go out and spend time together!!

Well either there's more to this than meets the eye or your DH is frightened of his Ex, she's moved miles away before so I suppose if he refused she might get her own back by withholding his DD. Frankly though Op, I don't think you're unreasonable, once a month, fine, but every week? If she can't manage DIY she shouldn't have bought a fixer upper

Oh, I remember your other thread now.

So in that thread you were pretty baffled (and rather indignant) about people telling you that your husband needed to go back to work instead of letting you stretch yourself to support everyone while on maternity leave. Now you’re back to work and it sounds like your child is in nursery if you can’t remember the last time he was alone with him. Has he also gotten a proper job again, or is he still piddling around with his freelance stuff while using his free time to cater to his ex? In short, is he just a cocklodger at this point?

Because if so, that’s one of the issues with him not working. He needs something to do and wants to feel valued and appreciated, so he’s getting that from his ex. I’m guessing she gives him a lot of praise for helping her?

You are certainly justified in giving him an ultimatum at this point. And if the above is true or close to it then him going back to work full time needs to be part of the ultimatum. I think in the other thread people were picking up on the fact that he’s prone to taking advantage. It’s time for you to put your foot down and if he doesn’t like it he can go and find someone else to support him.

This is unacceptable. Issue your ultimatum Op. Tell him he needs to watch ds and go out.

You said yourself he would do it for anyone. He has a relationship to nurture with the mother of his child, albeit not a romantic one anymore, but still a very important one.

Really grinds my gears when people come in to a wonderfully friendly, platonic and healthy setup and put their foot down because "that's your ex!!!".

If my husband and I broke up, I'd still put my family unit first, and that includes the father of my children.

So if you remarried, you’d put your ex husband before your current husband? @Blondebutnotlegally

Spending whole days with his ex, doing favours for her, once a week or more?!

No. I wouldn’t be happy.

That he watches all her children so she can get her nails done, but won’t watch your shared child so you can do the same, puts the tin lid on it.

You’d put your ex before your new partner? Batshit. 😂

I would also issue the ultimatum and stick to it. You don't deserve this, and it will be hard to separate, but I honestly would divorce him if it was me. Just me being totally honest and I hope it helps xxx

This! 100%