Husband doing chores for ex

[Katey83]

I’ll try and keep this brief as poss and not drip feed.

I’ve been married for just over a year, together three and a half. We have an 18 month old son. My DH has a daughter from an ex (they never married) - she left him for someone else when DSD was 2, had twins with the other guy and then left the other guy about a year ago. DSD now 10. When DH and I got together his ex lived 150 miles away with her boyfriend. She moved back to where we live now (all of our hometown) when she split with bf about a year ago.

Since she has been back she regularly asks my DH to do handiwork favours - putting up shelves, collecting heavy packages, putting flat pack furniture together. He always does what she asks. I feel this is really disrespectful to our relationship, as he is not this woman’s partner and should not be using our family time to ‘help’ her out. She is a person who likes a traditional set up with her doing ‘homely’ cooking and nurturing and a man doing the DIY and providing. I don’t think my DH should be stepping into the role of that man. Especially when there are things that need doing at our house, and it means I get left alone for the day with baby.

This is now a huge issue in our marriage. DH says he does the chores because he wants his daughter (who we have EOW) to live in a nice home and not have a stressed mum. It is true his relationship with his dd has been massively impacted by her mum leaving and living far away. I get this, and should say that I believe that he is not cheating with the ex. My DH is the sort of man who would do favours for anyone who asked him. But I think it is disrespectful to keep giving time and energy to an ex partner and want him to stop. We have been at one another’s throats over this this week and I am so ready to launch an ultimatum over this. He says I am being controlling. I think he is being naive. But maybe am being unreasonable.

What do others think?

@Katey83 I think there needs to be some boundaries put in place here..
Assuming he is just helping her out and not living a double life..Some ideas for you..Surely there must be jobs you need doing around your home? Make a list of what needs doing and he needs to prioritise those before helping his ex. Perhaps when he does go around to do a job for his ex, insist he takes your baby to spend time with sibling and also give you a break. Maybe book tickets for full days out for yourself, your husband and child/ren on your days off. Make sure his time off is fully accounted for, leaving no time for this nonsense. I know that probably sounds like a lot of effort on your part, but hopefully after he has said “sorry can’t help as we have tickets booked for this weekend” a few times she will get the message.

He says you’re being controlling - that’s a big disrespect to you and avoidance of answering to you about the situation. He’s not her handyman and on call to do what she demands. He is your dh and needs to be doing work in his own home. She sounds to be the controlling person. Your dh has to realise that he doesn’t have two families - he has you and child and a child from a previous relationship. I’d say to line up all sorts of jobs that will take his time up. Also some time off for you rather than his going round to hers. Plan some illness/headache/sickness that strikes just when he could have been going round to his ex. See what he does.

I would be so annoyed by this that it would break us up. You are a better person than me.

I'd put the FATHER of my children before someone I barely know, yes. Also if someone came into my life demanding I change my co parenting relationship they can fuck right off.

You seriously think it’s ok for him to leave the toddler with OP all day whilst he does chores for his ex?

Hardly know?? They’re married!

Well let’s hope your marriage lasts so no poor unsuspecting bloke has to put up with that crap.

If you think what this guy is doing is right, then I stand by my earlier summation.

The issue isn't about that though, OP is more pissed about the fact she is his ex.
She's not just his ex. She's the mother of his child.

SO IS THE OP.

😂 bangs head on desk

They haven't always been married though? 😅 why would you go into a relationship, have a kid with someone, then demand they change the current co parenting relationship?

Yeah, he's putting her first.

Show him all these messages. He can't expect you to accept him putting another woman before you, surely?

And he lives with her and presumably does stuff for her too?! Christ

why would he marry someone new and have additional children if he was just going to continue acting like he’s married to the ex?

Rubbish.

Are you aware that women can put up shelves? And put together furniture. These tasks are not penis dependent

But the ex is changing the relationship! She moved away, married, had more kids, moved back single, and is only now demanding he do all this stuff, multiple times a week.

My parents help each other even though they have been divorced since the 80's and they have both long term partners.

It is a good example to me of what a decent relationship looks like

It is not a competition

Did you read the OP?

When DH and I got together his ex lived 150 miles away with her boyfriend

while he's round there doing 'chores', maybe she could pop round to yours and do some housework, or batch cooking?

Suggest that you to go round with him, be nice for half siblings to play together at the other house and you can have cosy chat with his ex, will be a nice bonding moment to strengthen your blended family etc.

If he spits out his coffee at the thought of it, he's probably doing more than DIY.....

So does she come around on the weeks you have DSD and help to do chores at your house? I bet not! This is insane and needs to stop.

His ex is doing all the controlling from the sound of it.

Don't know what i would do in your shoes but it would make me very unhappy and cause a massive wedge. Time for a good talk perhaps.

I think it's nice that he's willing to help out his ex and obviously he feels that it benefits his daughter. Once a week sounds a bit much though. You and he need to reach a compromise - he needs to be more thoughtful about your needs and making sure that you have family time too. Ask him if he would be happy if the roles were reversed? Would he be so tolerant of you spending time doing things for an ex partner?

I’d have my nails booked for next weekend and disappear for at least the day. And start to do this regularly, forget about family time for a while, what about you time. That’s your time he’s committing every week when he goes over, time to swap. I wouldn’t mind a few hours a month, but this is ridiculous. She gets more time from him home getting stuff done than you do.

Yes this is the DSD who was living full time with OP and eating all her fruit!

Your DH is taking the royal piss out of you but you refuse to see it.

Is she demanding or just asking?