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Original poster

Husband doing chores for ex

220 replies

Katey83 · 30/01/2024 15:09

I’ll try and keep this brief as poss and not drip feed.

I’ve been married for just over a year, together three and a half. We have an 18 month old son. My DH has a daughter from an ex (they never married) - she left him for someone else when DSD was 2, had twins with the other guy and then left the other guy about a year ago. DSD now 10. When DH and I got together his ex lived 150 miles away with her boyfriend. She moved back to where we live now (all of our hometown) when she split with bf about a year ago.

Since she has been back she regularly asks my DH to do handiwork favours - putting up shelves, collecting heavy packages, putting flat pack furniture together. He always does what she asks. I feel this is really disrespectful to our relationship, as he is not this woman’s partner and should not be using our family time to ‘help’ her out. She is a person who likes a traditional set up with her doing ‘homely’ cooking and nurturing and a man doing the DIY and providing. I don’t think my DH should be stepping into the role of that man. Especially when there are things that need doing at our house, and it means I get left alone for the day with baby.

This is now a huge issue in our marriage. DH says he does the chores because he wants his daughter (who we have EOW) to live in a nice home and not have a stressed mum. It is true his relationship with his dd has been massively impacted by her mum leaving and living far away. I get this, and should say that I believe that he is not cheating with the ex. My DH is the sort of man who would do favours for anyone who asked him. But I think it is disrespectful to keep giving time and energy to an ex partner and want him to stop. We have been at one another’s throats over this this week and I am so ready to launch an ultimatum over this. He says I am being controlling. I think he is being naive. But maybe am being unreasonable.

What do others think?

OP posts:
Youcannotbeseriousreally · 30/01/2024 15:54

Katey83 · 30/01/2024 15:53

Not always DIY - like I said in OP can be all sorts of chores. Picking up heavy items from
shops for example (at risk of outing self if she reads it, a couple weeks ago it was bags of soul from a gardening place as she doesn’t have a car). She is renovating a new place so has ramped up in last couple months, but it always seems to be something. She has even once had him watch all three kids so she can get nails done as ‘I don’t get any me time as a single mum’. He says time with DD, but he could have DD here and let me get my nails done! I can’t remember last time he had our baby alone so I could do stuff.

Edited

Oh man. This is not an ex problem. This is a DH problem. He 100% cares more about her than you and I’m sorry but you have to call this out!

MissersMercer · 30/01/2024 15:55

I'd think something was going on between them. He obviously enjoys spending his day off with her.

Hankunamatata · 30/01/2024 15:56

I think there needs to be compromise to start. I would suggest he limits DIY at ex house just to the weekends dd is there (so every two weeks) and for say half day only or a night during the week (every two weeks)

He is clearly very resistant to stop so I'd compromise to lesson the time

MinervatheGreat · 30/01/2024 16:00

If you are going to offer him an ultimatum, get your ducks in a row OP.

Don’t go giving him ultimatums until you have a plan I’m place and are emotionally strong enough to cope with the upheaval.

You are not being unreasonable but it’s him who is the problem, not her.

Confusedandsadstill · 30/01/2024 16:01

Some women are just like this - they think their ex owes them everything. I presume the father of the other children isn’t in the picture.
My friend’s ex is still doing this.
I understand why he put the children’s rooms together when they moved out and installed her kitchen. But it’s now 3 years down the line, she has yet another new boyfriend, her bed is broken and she wants my friend to fix it or buy her a new one.
She refuses to work, her argument is she has 2 children, who are both at school and she pays extra for wraparound care and then complains she has no money so asks my friend to pay for things all the time.
He has put his foot down on the DIY, but now she says he can’t have the children for the weekend.
Could his ex be threatening him with that?

RedHelenB · 30/01/2024 16:03

Mumof2teens79 · 30/01/2024 15:35

Suggest a middle ground
He's a nice guy, he likes to help, it's his daughters mum.
But he doesn't have to do everything straight away, or even do everything.
He can start by pushing back on the smaller stuff, running errands etc. Doing things when it suits him, when he goes to pick DD up etc, not just when she wants.
He can make her wait a little bit longer so she starts to wonder if she's better just asking someone else.

This.

Creatureofhabit87 · 30/01/2024 16:04

Katey83 · 30/01/2024 15:43

It is at least once a week. Sometimes more.

Yeah I’d be totally fuming at that! she’s taking the piss out of him and he’s too nice to say no. Yes he the girls dad but spending whole days there once a week is extreme!!

TheBayLady · 30/01/2024 16:05

Ask him if he will do the same for you when you divorce.

TeapotTitties · 30/01/2024 16:05

Katey83 · 30/01/2024 15:43

It is at least once a week. Sometimes more.

If he spends 'whole days' at her house at least once a week or more, he aint doing DIY.

Especially if he only bothers having his child EOW.

Cem82 · 30/01/2024 16:07

I would break up with my partner if he did that - especially with a young baby - definitely give him an ultimatum. I also think it’s a power play from
his ex - she is seeing what she can get him to do.

She can pay for delivery for items, she can pay to have things assembled or do it herself - she is choosing to do this. I would look up the number for a local handyman and send it to her. I would also tell your partner that you are booking something like a spa day for his next day off so he can have the kids since he has all this free time. I hate to say it but I think he likely still has feelings for her.

13Bastards · 30/01/2024 16:07

I can see both sides here. DP helped his ex move out of the family home into her new home and put up shelves etc (he was already moved out) but that was also so his child could settle into the new place.

She would ask for odd jobs here and there, but these stopped when she met someone who I assume now helps with her DIY.

I wouldn't be happy with him spending all day there doing jobs that weren't specifically related to the child, sounds like she's trying to save money on paying for an odd job person coming in.

Lassiata · 30/01/2024 16:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Your language is hateful.

Aptique · 30/01/2024 16:09

MissersMercer · 30/01/2024 15:55

I'd think something was going on between them. He obviously enjoys spending his day off with her.

This. In 8 years of her being away, that would have created a very distant relationship between them. She can pay someone to do jobs for her. Remember she left him, something unfinished there on his part and probably hers. The odd occasion of offering help is ok I guess, but what you've described is him trying to finish something unfinished with her. Being dumped after a child when you didn't expect it, it's something that has a hold over you if you didn't deal with it properly.

Lavenderosa · 30/01/2024 16:11

I couldn't live with this - I'm furious just reading your posts!

How would your DH feel if you spent the same amount of time at your parents' house helping them, leaving him and your baby at home? He wouldn't agree to it would he!

If he won't budge then you could start booking things for yourself - nails, hair, coffee with friends and tell him he's got the baby while you're out.

Swizzlersandtwizzlers · 30/01/2024 16:11

TeapotTitties · 30/01/2024 16:05

If he spends 'whole days' at her house at least once a week or more, he aint doing DIY.

Especially if he only bothers having his child EOW.

Show quote history

Yeah this stood out to me too. IMO he should be doing less errands and tasks for her BUT spending more time with his daughter (without his ex) now she lives closer.

Am I right that EOW is every other weekend as opposed to every other week? So he’s only seeing his daughter one weekend each fortnight?

Also I agree with others than you have a husband problem. It’s him who can’t seem to draw boundaries with her and sounds like he enjoys time in her presence a bit too much even if nothing is going on. It’s not so much that he can’t say no, it’s more that he doesn’t want to say no.

betterangels · 30/01/2024 16:12

She has even once had him watch all three kids so she can get nails done as ‘I don’t get any me time as a single mum’. He says time with DD, but he could have DD here and let me get my nails done! I can’t remember last time he had our baby alone so I could do stuff.

So, you have a husband who can't say no to his ex. That's the problem. And it will always be a problem. I couldn't live with that, so I'd leave instead of issuing ultimatums and possibly seeing him choose her anyway. Sorry.

Easipeelerie · 30/01/2024 16:13

She’s doing this deliberately. Who needs that many jobs done?
He shouldn’t be in her home at all.

Mentalhealthhelp · 30/01/2024 16:13

No this is not ok at all.

Easipeelerie · 30/01/2024 16:13

I’d leave him. He’s not going to change.

Easipeelerie · 30/01/2024 16:14

Dodgy that you don’t get time for yourself but he can’t say no to her.

Loonancy · 30/01/2024 16:15

Well it’s normally…
Husband doing chores for Sex

ludicrouslycapaciousbags · 30/01/2024 16:17

He sounds like a decent human and a good dad.

Floopani · 30/01/2024 16:20

This wouldn't sit right with me. As others have said, putting together stuff in his DDs room I could understand. Anything else, particularly at the detriment to me and our baby, would be crossing a line. I don't buy all this, I'm a woman I need a man to do these things crap. Its manipulative.

ColdButSunny · 30/01/2024 16:23

I can't remember the last time he had our baby alone so I could do stuff.

This is what I would focus on, OP. I wouldn't demand that he stops helping out his ex, but I would make it clear that it's entirely his choice to do so, and therefore it counts as his "me time". You deserve an equal amount of "me time" as he does. So it's fine for him to spend a few hours helping out the ex, but then that means you get a few hours free to do whatever you like while he takes care of the baby.

Vikingess · 30/01/2024 16:23

Yet another post resenting a DH fulfilling their responsibilities to their own kids. Don’t get involved with men who are divorced but have children if you are not mature enough to cope with it.