Husband doing chores for ex

[Katey83]

I’ll try and keep this brief as poss and not drip feed.

I’ve been married for just over a year, together three and a half. We have an 18 month old son. My DH has a daughter from an ex (they never married) - she left him for someone else when DSD was 2, had twins with the other guy and then left the other guy about a year ago. DSD now 10. When DH and I got together his ex lived 150 miles away with her boyfriend. She moved back to where we live now (all of our hometown) when she split with bf about a year ago.

Since she has been back she regularly asks my DH to do handiwork favours - putting up shelves, collecting heavy packages, putting flat pack furniture together. He always does what she asks. I feel this is really disrespectful to our relationship, as he is not this woman’s partner and should not be using our family time to ‘help’ her out. She is a person who likes a traditional set up with her doing ‘homely’ cooking and nurturing and a man doing the DIY and providing. I don’t think my DH should be stepping into the role of that man. Especially when there are things that need doing at our house, and it means I get left alone for the day with baby.

This is now a huge issue in our marriage. DH says he does the chores because he wants his daughter (who we have EOW) to live in a nice home and not have a stressed mum. It is true his relationship with his dd has been massively impacted by her mum leaving and living far away. I get this, and should say that I believe that he is not cheating with the ex. My DH is the sort of man who would do favours for anyone who asked him. But I think it is disrespectful to keep giving time and energy to an ex partner and want him to stop. We have been at one another’s throats over this this week and I am so ready to launch an ultimatum over this. He says I am being controlling. I think he is being naive. But maybe am being unreasonable.

What do others think?

OP, you had another thread in May where you said your stepdaughter had moved in with you full time in January.

Surely this all has something to do with it, you said your stepdaughter was in play therapy etc at the time to deal with the change in circumstances, now she's back with the mother and your DH only has the daughter EOW....so he wants to make sure she has a nice home with the mother and perhaps give the mother a break if there were circumstances that led to the daughter having to move in with you for months.

He has obligations, if he didn’t do these chores she would probably have to pay someone else to do them and then charge him part of the cost?

He shouldn’t be at her beck and call though as she will take advantage and the workload will increase…..he needs to tell her sometimes that the time Dosen’t suit him and he will do it at a later date etc

I do feel for him though, he sounds like a good guy….but I also see how you are frustrated by it

The complexities of blended families, I suppose you kind of knew that he came with another child that wasn’t yours when you got together with him so there was always going to be complications

I doubt it's anything dodgy. She's just a lazy entitled cow playing him. I'm sure you would like your DH to do any number of DIY jobs at your house, but like most of us, they are still waiting ten years later......

People are busy. They have jobs and families. Neither I nor DH get on top of our non-essential decorating jobs ever, because people just don't have time. But I'd be fuming if he was doing it for someone else (except MIL).

Tell DH it's emergency jobs or DD specific things only. If she can't collect soil from B&Q she needs to pay for it to be delivered. Etc etc. She's not his partner and she needs to be self sufficient, in the main.

So no - YANBU and you need to lay down some rules.

@Teenagehorrorbag
It sounds like there's a lot more to this that wasn't explained in the OP.
In a previous thread the OP said the SD was living with them full time and in play therapy etc to deal with the change.
In this OP she said that he wants the daughter to live in a nice home and not have a stressed mum so there must have been stuff going on in the past that led the daughter to live with them and reasons why he's trying to reduce her stress.

OH right. Well maybe there are more reasonable reasons for it then, but he should at least sit down and talk it through with OP, and come to a sensible balance. Of course he wants the best for his DD but there has to be an agreement.....

It sounds as though it may an insoluble scenario though - where nobody is wrong and poor OP has to either suck it up or rethink her life. Which is very sad!

@SoSoNuts

You wouldn't have an issue with this kind of set up if your partner was like this to you ?

How come?

Your post comes across as peculiar intriguing 🤔?

@Katey83

I think your attitude is valid and reasonable

It's the sheer intensity of your partner's ex endless requests and demands on her home front

that is far too much,

I can understand her obviously moving nearby to have some support

but she is selfishly ensuring maximising his spare time to within an inch to the detriment of your partners set up with you,

as her endlessly neediness requests ever encroaching on what should be your family quality time,

He needs to put in boundaries to put in a balance a compromise between his new family set up needs and the older more established set up family needs of her too,

It doesn't need to be ultimatum of its either him doing constant DiY stuff for her or not at all.!

this means he only helps her out with DY stuff half the amount of time each month at least or only helping a couple of times each month,

he is not doing himself any favours at all

as she become co dependency on him..

@Katey83

It's also ridiculous 🙄 that it takes your partner a day to do do his DIY stuff at his ex place,

Why does it take so long ??

@Katey83
It should be specific DIY tasks related to helping his daughter or just emergencies only that's it ..!

I'm possibly projecting here because of my experience with my late husband's ex, but I do think that the ex in this scenario is trying to exert control over OP's husband.

[If i sound bitter, it's because I am. I said that I was okay with my husband's ex attending his funeral. I'd have been okay with it anyway, but I later found out that it was her idea that she represent their kids and grandchild at the funeral. She was dropped off and collected by her latest widower boyfriend.

3 days later, she turned up on my front doorstep wanting to know what I was doing with my husband's ashes. I told him that he'd already been scattered as per his wishes. At the time I didn't realise that there's a 7 day grace period, n case anyone's wondering.

That night, I realised via a phonecall from one of their kids that she had wanted to persuade me to have them buried in a place of her choosing.]

Is she breaking stuff on purpose and relishing the control she's exerting on your relationship? How could a home require such frequent repairs? He needs to tell her to let them pile up and he'll address all one day every six weeks or less often.

To be blunt I think he's having sex with her.
You'd be naive to think its all down to DIY.

He's motivated by something to be away from you and your baby. She definately is the priority.That would be a deal breaker for me, no matter what he's up to.

Could you pay a surprise visit ?

I would not like this at all. I would watch very carefully.

He should start doing it in his time with his DD so if he normally takes her back at 6pm Sunday he could tell her he’ll bring her back at 4 and his DD can help and can collect any bits with her on way back. Then they still spend time together but it’s not impacting on your time as much And he’s not making extra journeys to do bits. Also then he can give her a couple of hours help but can then say he’s going as he said he’ll do baby’s bedtime

I'd be OK with DH doing things that directly benefitted his DD. So things in her room, repairs that meant the house stayed warm & weatherproof, collecting things for DD etc. If his ex just wanted some new shelves in the living room, she can do it herself or pay a handyman to come do it.

Having said that, we aren't in a situation where there's an ex or step children. But if for any reason we split, he would still want to look after DD and I'd hope any future partner would be ok in supporting him doing that. Anything else would be over a line.

@Flabagasted33

He only sees his child for a few days every few weeks.

The least he could do is contribute towards ensuring she is living in acceptable standards the rest of the time.

And if that means helping out or financially contributing towards the cost of painting her main bedroom or for a desk for her to work at for school, whatever. That sounds acceptable to me. Better than being a deadbeat Dad.

Yeah right, chores in the bedroom maybe.

I think it depends on the time commitment. DIY in his daughter’s room is one thing, other DIY he should say no. If she has no car occasional collection of something heavy is fair enough. Whole days doing DIY? No, that’s ridic unless redecorating his daughter’s room.

She's renovating a new place....OP had a thread last year that said the stepdaughter had been living with them, also that the SD was in play therapy etc to deal with the change...so obviously something must have gone on but she's back living with the mother now and presumably he's trying to make sure that mum and daughter are both happy in the new home. It's obviously in his daughters best interests to have a mother who isn't stressed, which is one reason her husband gave to the OP for why he helps out.

Yes once a week is taking the piss. What has she got to do DIY related every week? She’s been back a year so surely all the main bulk of settling into the house putting up furniture etc has been done? I wouldn’t be happy either OP. I would be questioning exactly what the jobs he was doing were & asking him how he’d feel if you were doing the same.

Plus pressumably if home town thrn she defo knows more than just him in the area.

I would ask him to get a to do list from her and dedicate 1 day a month to helping her out. If there are sooooo many things she needs help with, it will keep him busy so no time for naughty time. If she finds someone else then she isn't interested in him romantically and is just using him.

If he refuses, then I would suggest the problem is all him.

Any DSD related things can be done as soon as practical(a child will never demand diy done straight away, esp at 10yo). You won't get him to prioritise you by demanding things.

@Nov902
OP seems to have left a lot of important detail out.
She had a thread last year in May saying they had the SD full time since January....it hasn't been explained when the daughter moved back with her mother or what the reason was, but as she said in the OP that the dad doesn't want the mum to be stressed it sounds like there has been a lot of detail left out. Not sure why posters post threads leaving out significant details which would probably significantly change the responses.

I wouldn’t be happy with this at all. My DP doesn’t even like it if I iron the kids clothes that belong to my ex that I’m sending back to him as he thinks I’m still acting like his wife 🙄

his DDs relationship with her mum and the environment they live in is not his responsibility. As other people have said I get him doing things that will benefit DD but he shouldn’t just be at her beck and call, there needs to be boundaries. She is treating him like a partner rather than an ex and that is what I wouldn’t like.

i like a PPs suggestion of taking DD back early to do the jobs or when he picks her up to limit any impact on your family time and he’s not really going out of his way too much then.

good luck OP

We are missing a huge point here that it is possible for women to do their own DIY! When I split from DH I enjoyed doing things in my new place myself

I absolutely would not allow this, as a compromise I'd suggest every few months he pays for a handyman for half a day.
If he didn't agree to this I'm afraid I'd ask him to leave.
It's not about you being controlling, it's about him not respecting you or your marriage.

Perhaps because mumsnetters can be nosey snoopers! I genuinely cringe when I see users combing through old posts as if it’s a great ‘ah-ha’ to the OP. Stay on topic. No post is ever going to cover the full breadth of the OPs circumstances.