Husband doing chores for ex

[Katey83]

I’ll try and keep this brief as poss and not drip feed.

I’ve been married for just over a year, together three and a half. We have an 18 month old son. My DH has a daughter from an ex (they never married) - she left him for someone else when DSD was 2, had twins with the other guy and then left the other guy about a year ago. DSD now 10. When DH and I got together his ex lived 150 miles away with her boyfriend. She moved back to where we live now (all of our hometown) when she split with bf about a year ago.

Since she has been back she regularly asks my DH to do handiwork favours - putting up shelves, collecting heavy packages, putting flat pack furniture together. He always does what she asks. I feel this is really disrespectful to our relationship, as he is not this woman’s partner and should not be using our family time to ‘help’ her out. She is a person who likes a traditional set up with her doing ‘homely’ cooking and nurturing and a man doing the DIY and providing. I don’t think my DH should be stepping into the role of that man. Especially when there are things that need doing at our house, and it means I get left alone for the day with baby.

This is now a huge issue in our marriage. DH says he does the chores because he wants his daughter (who we have EOW) to live in a nice home and not have a stressed mum. It is true his relationship with his dd has been massively impacted by her mum leaving and living far away. I get this, and should say that I believe that he is not cheating with the ex. My DH is the sort of man who would do favours for anyone who asked him. But I think it is disrespectful to keep giving time and energy to an ex partner and want him to stop. We have been at one another’s throats over this this week and I am so ready to launch an ultimatum over this. He says I am being controlling. I think he is being naive. But maybe am being unreasonable.

What do others think?

I think doing an odd favour for an ex is fine if they get on ok and it's being a good role model for his DD. However this has gone beyond this. I think she's being cheeky asking your DH to be at her beck and call. I'd tell DH you're not happy with him spending more than half a day a month doing stuff for ex and I'd also be asking to do more stuff with your baby.

The whole thing is off. It's also giving a bad example to the husband's daughter: "What Mummy wants, Mummy gets. Her needs come first."

Wait, you’ve read the other thread and you don’t think he’s terrible? Sorry your standards are so low.

She's an adult woman who chose to leave your DH, and then her subsequent partner, and disrupt her kids with multiple moves. Your DH is no longer her partner, he is your partner. She has now returned and is using him to do DIY so his DD "lives in a nice house" and "doesn't have a mum who is stressed".

Frankly, this is a ridiculous situation, especially as jobs that need doing in your home are neglected while you are left alone with your baby. His ex is no longer his responsibility, but she seems to think he will be at her beck and call, and I bet she LOVES that it is disrupting your relationship. If she believes "a man should do the DIY and providing" then she can get one of her own. Or pay a handyman. She sounds entitled and spoilt (he babysits for her while she gets her nails done??? FFS! As far as I know it's not illegal to let children wait on chairs in nail salons)

You are not the one who is being controlling here. Your DH seriously needs to man up and say no to her. Are you sure he doesn't still hold a candle for her?

wake up OP, he's sleeping with her! Your DSD will be at school. He doesn't need to spend that much time with the ex. The ex can hire a handyman, gardener, cleaner etc or learn DIY herself. The stupidity of some MNetters never ceases to amaze me, nor what they will put up with.

She's enjoying being controlling. It needs to stop now or OP will be suffering this all her married life.

I put my foot down in a similar situation, but my behaviour and that of my husband was tempered by the fact that we didn't want to put a wedge between him and his adult children (and then adult grandchild).

We were wrong. All we did was made the children think that their mother's needs came first.

I finally exploded two months after my husband's funeral (which the kids didn't attend because of lockdown - their mum went instead...)

Only now that my head has cleared do I understand how shoddily we were treated. Our fault. We allowed it.

That’s your opinion, no need to feel sorry babe, my husband is nothing like ops. But I still don’t think he’s a terrible man. I forgot how “perfect” everyone on mumsnet is.

Batshit.

The step kid used to live with them full time. The OP paid for everything. He didn’t work.

Now you think she should hand over more money to the ex? What…?

@Wednesdaysphiltrum

Where are you getting that the step child used to live with them full time, the OP paid for everything and he didn't work??

Is there an earlier thread?

If he didn't work - well wow what a catch!!

My point is just because he isn't a full time Dad, it doesn't relieve him of responsibility to his daughter, HE should still be contributing towards things that are for her, be that financially or physically.

If she wanted a man who would be entirely available for her and baby, she should have married a man without prior connections.

Please don’t be so naive. I would get it if it was help maybe building a bed for your daughter but there absolutely no way he is doing that amount of tasks for her. There’s something fishy going on. Wake up ffs.

That is absolutely not on, and you have every right to be upset. Tell him there are jobs need doing in your house, see which place he chooses to do his DIY, if he goes to her house, you just get a tradesman in and make your husband pay for it.
I hate to say I think there is more to this than DIY.
Why would he want to spend the day with and ex that cheated on him? Do the fathers of her other kids have a scheduled day to do their day of DIY.
Why can't she get a handyman I'm to do these jobs for her.
Anymore and I would issue him an ultimatum and tell him to move back in with her.
I would be furious, you have my upmost sympathy

Would it make her stop if you invited yourself over when he goes "to help" and then make yourself at home. ?
Send her a bill for work done but assure her it's ok because its mates rates.?
Gradually wean her off by slowly reducing the yesses. ?
Set her up with a local single handyman?

Yes there was a thread last May saying the child had been living with them full time since January, and was in play therapy etc to deal with the change...so sounds like a lot of relevant context was left out of this thread.

@kkloo Poor child, so much disruption.

If she has special needs all the more reason for her Dad to be making sure her home environment is better for her providing physical and financial support.

That changes the dynamics here hugely @Katey83 if she has special needs or has had to go to therapy on account of being ping ponged around the place.

You child has you available to them, and is living in a stable home environment with two parents. You have one child only and may have more family support too?

Your DH’s older daughter has special needs/or is documented as struggling hence needing the play therapy. She has had an unstable home environment, one parent, interchangeable father figures, moved multiple times, demanding twin siblings. Her mother must be exhausted dealing with it all.

It may seem a bit much, but if your husband is able to contribute time/money to sort things now to make his daughter’s life better you will see the pay off later. If he doesn’t step up it has disaster written all over it (from an outsiders point of view with experience of special needs kids).

Sounds like he makes a better ex than partner.

@Katey83
I think 🤔 your husband ex still holds a bit of torch for him and she likes playing the helpless Damsel in distress as it's its beneficial and convient for her to assert a bit or some control over him,

It's good for her ego having the attention on her and he likes playing the Knight in shining armour
I wouldn't be susprised if he doesn't enjoy the attention a bit too in that way...

Precisely. It’s not a minefield and if @Katey83 can divulge a personal situation about her partner spending “too much time” with his ex, I don’t see how a question about contact is too personal.

If you don’t want to answer fine but it’s hardly invasive. FWIW I said he was spending too much time over there but the fact you’ve swerved the very relevant issue of contact is telling.

You’ve been ok with his daughter being de-prioritised but now when you’re feeling like that it’s an issue.

I suspect even if he just seen his daughter alone more frequently you’d still have an issue.

Because they just want to be told they’re right. And it’s likely this additional info might make more people empathise with the “struggling single mother” of a disabled child.

@Swizzlersandtwizzlers
I don't think the child is disabled, just that she was struggling with the change in her circumstances due to not living with her mother and so she was attending play therapy. Maybe there was another thread I didn't see though?

But there obviously was some reason why the child wasn't living with her mother, she's now back with the mother and I'm sure that's why the dad doesn't want the mother to be stressed as the OP stated, because it's in the daughters best interest that her and the mother are settled in a nice environment.

Absolutely unacceptable. I’m a single mum & wouldn’t dream of asking dds dad to do these things. And we have an amicable relationship . Personally I do it all myself but if I couldn’t I’d be getting someone else to do it.
I think the odd time if it directly impacts dc ie her bed is broken then ok but this is absolutely ridiculous she is playing you like a fiddle & has complete control over you. You are within your rights definitely to put your foot down on it and if he doesn’t respect that he can piss off back to hers & spend even more time diy’ing.