Husband doing chores for ex

[Katey83]

I’ll try and keep this brief as poss and not drip feed.

I’ve been married for just over a year, together three and a half. We have an 18 month old son. My DH has a daughter from an ex (they never married) - she left him for someone else when DSD was 2, had twins with the other guy and then left the other guy about a year ago. DSD now 10. When DH and I got together his ex lived 150 miles away with her boyfriend. She moved back to where we live now (all of our hometown) when she split with bf about a year ago.

Since she has been back she regularly asks my DH to do handiwork favours - putting up shelves, collecting heavy packages, putting flat pack furniture together. He always does what she asks. I feel this is really disrespectful to our relationship, as he is not this woman’s partner and should not be using our family time to ‘help’ her out. She is a person who likes a traditional set up with her doing ‘homely’ cooking and nurturing and a man doing the DIY and providing. I don’t think my DH should be stepping into the role of that man. Especially when there are things that need doing at our house, and it means I get left alone for the day with baby.

This is now a huge issue in our marriage. DH says he does the chores because he wants his daughter (who we have EOW) to live in a nice home and not have a stressed mum. It is true his relationship with his dd has been massively impacted by her mum leaving and living far away. I get this, and should say that I believe that he is not cheating with the ex. My DH is the sort of man who would do favours for anyone who asked him. But I think it is disrespectful to keep giving time and energy to an ex partner and want him to stop. We have been at one another’s throats over this this week and I am so ready to launch an ultimatum over this. He says I am being controlling. I think he is being naive. But maybe am being unreasonable.

What do others think?

No way would I allow this. Ultimatum time.

Vikingess · Yesterday 17:43
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I love to see the diversity of responses on this site - it’s really helpful to get different perspectives. What I don’t understand though is why people don’t ask direct questions to the subject of their posts eg” why are you seeing her so often “ , “what have I done to piss me off” etc?
Why do people ask Munsnet rather than the people they need answers from”

I wonder, too. Do people not communicate?

He sounds like a good dad and a nice person. Once they’ve settled in then the DIY will end. I’d try to play it cool for a bit because it sounds like a temporary transition thing.

Terrible man? You obviously know more than the rest of us because this just sounds like a caring dad who has a lack of boundaries.

How naive.

If the property is over 20 years old there will always be DIY that "needs" doing.

The only reasonable scenario I could see a MIL leaving jewellery to a DIL is if she had sons only.

oops wrong thread!

I think you either let him help out where possible. Or give a financial contribution to pay for a handyman to do these things.

He is the father of the eldest child and he is right that he bears responsibility to ensure she is ok and living in a good standard of home.

Particularly when he only parents her EOW.

They have just moved and are settling, this is a transitory period, the jobs won’t be so many in future.

I think part of the issue here is you took it for granted that his daughter from previous relationship was 150 miles away out of mind out of sight, and thought you could carry on as if he was a regular bloke without a child.

You always need to factor in, when getting involved with anyone that has children, that the other parent could drop dead and you’d get lumbered with the child full time. That the needs of the child could change, along with the relationship between the co-parents.

I agree it isn’t ideal, in terms of what you were expecting, that they’ve moved to be close by and this places further demand upon your partner to step up. But in the short term it isn’t that unreasonable.

In the long term there need to be specific boundaries on what he is able to help with and the amount of time involved. Considering paying for some things if the daughter is to benefit directly.

Also who is paying for all this ?
so she takes his family time , his free skills, his fuel . Does he pay for the parts etc needed too.

This is an absolute joke .
I think he’s crossing a line here .
I agree it’s ultimatum time it’s either his family or his ex.
I don’t get that he has his Dd EOW but sees hos ex in her home every weekend and sometimes more. .

Before we got married, my late husband got phone calls from his ex for things like tyre punctures - her affair partner/boyfriend was pretty useless at that type of thing.

Part of it was a control issue, I'm fairly certain - particularly given other matters that happened after we married.

Less than a year after the the first boyfriend died, she had a new man who was good at handiwork. When he died, she had a new man less than a year later. (By then, my DH was very unwell following heart trouble and a stroke.)

You're stuck between a rock and a hard place, OP. I think you're maybe going to have to put up with it until your husband's daughter has left for uni. Then you can put your foot down.

So far as watching the kids so that she can get her nails done? Oh no... Sod that for a game of soldiers.

I was too understanding. DH's kids were adults, but I bent over backwards to be 'nice' so as not to rock the boat with regard to his relationship with them. I did stand up for myself in some respects. (I'll not take up more time listing some of the manipulative things the ex did.) We'd had a better relationship with the ex in some ways latterly - I even took her to hospital when she was between men, cos there was no sign of the kids doing it.

Result? After DH died - and the ex was with her FOURTH man - she was behaving as though she was the widow. It was as if I was some kind of junior wife. Bizarre.

I finally blew my top two months after the funeral..put my foot right in it. DH's kids and grandchild have gone No Contact. Haven't heard from them for nearly 4 years. (They were quick enough to cash the cheques they were sent for their inheritance and then a wedding and a graduation.)

As others have said, I'm guessing you'll have to agree to your DH doing things for his daughter...but his ex and the other two kids are not his responsibility.

If your husband can't agree, time to look at your options.

About a year after my husband's funeral (which happened during lockdown) I recall sobbing to a friend and saying that I felt like second-hand Rose. I know my husband loved me dearly...but the way that I was treated around the time of the funeral was dreadful.

sounds more like strategic incompetence to me

This!

Seriously? Give money to the ex wife for doing DIY in HER house? Some exes live on planet cuckoo land....

I suspect he likes to feel she still needs him, although she dumped him.

I'm in my 60s and I put my own fucking flat packs together. If she needs someone to hold bits steady while she turns an allen key, her daughter is old enough to do that.

Think you need to have a serious chat with him about her behaviour. She might prefer to sit back and let the man of the house do all the 'boy' stuff, but your OH isn't the man of HER house any more and this isn't the 1950s either.

I mean, the clue is in what I wrote. Her other thread…?

Who is paying for all this?

The OP is. She pays for everything. Check out her other thread…

I read the title as “Husband doing chores for sex”.
I thought woohoo, win win.
Sorry op, I know that doesn’t help.

I kept seeing the thread and that's what I saw.

Even worse I had read the thread....

At first I thought you were being a bit unreasonable but I do agree spending whole days on your family time would get on my nerves. I think meeting somewhere in the middle. It does sound like the ex doesn’t have much support, can she not ask someone else?

Ive seen the other post, I still fail to see what makes him a terrible man??

wow. no OP, it's not ok.

I also have an ex-husband who lives nearby and i'm useless at DIY. When I last had to build flatpack furniture beyond my skills I paid someone an hourly rate to build it (heavy bunk bed, decided it wasn't safe for me to do it!) When i didn't have a car I asked girlfriends to drive me places sometimes when needed or I ordered heavy things online.

My ex is no longer responsible for keeping up my house (even the stuff relating to his child - as its my house)

Ask your DH to cut right back on this help. 'you can teach a man/woman to fish.....' and all that. She needs help to learn self-sufficiency.

Go with him when he goes to do chores.

Do you have an ex that you could go round to and cook dinners and clean for? You could be doing this to help. What would your dh think about that? He, your dh, could look after child you and him (your dh) have together. ( mentioning the sexist view of tasks)

I have no issue with exs being friendly and helping but if not if this is ok with everyone . I would go with him if she asks for anything again , I don’t see if he is away for so long why can’t you go and “ help “ too .

Ask him "Will I get the same level of support when I am ex-wife #2?"

A caring dad who only has his daughter EOW and doesn't look after his child that he has with the OP alone?

Sounds like he prefers doing DIY than actually parenting.