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AIBU?

Asking grandparents to help

216 replies

Noneofmybeeswax · 30/01/2024 11:11

My parents live 30 minutes away and pick the kids up from school 2 days a week, do all my school holiday cover, if we ever need babysitters we have to ask them and they do loads for us. They love it and wouldn't change it.
My PILs live hundreds of miles away so obviously aren't in a position to help on a regular basis with our kids. In 10 years they've done 2 pick ups for us from weddings on my side of the family and always tied it in with a visit to see us. We have never asked for any other help looking after the kids. When they visit we do things all together, maybe once a year they will offer to take the kids on a day out without us.
We have an upcoming family event so have invited the wider family and quite a few people are coming to stay, including my PILs. Unfortunately the start of the event clashes with a commitment for DD and she really doesn't want to miss it. OH and I need to be at the event so OH suggested "I'm sure we can get a grandparent to pick up." (It's 20 minutes in the opposite direction to parents house) I confirmed DD's attendance on this basis without clarifying which grandparents he meant - I just assumed he meant his side as they will be visiting. When I went to clarify after replying he was horrified and just assumed my parents would cover it and we can't possibly ask one or both of his parents to drive to an unknown (to them) location to help us out.
For me, we should at least ask them first as we really need the help, they are already in the area so it's not like we're asking them to come specially and they don't do almost anything for or with their grandkids the rest of the year. Only if they refuse do I feel it is fair to even contemplate asking my parents.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

785 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
33%
You are NOT being unreasonable
67%
NatMoz · 30/01/2024 11:15

It's easier for husband to assume the active local grandparents as they are a staple in your life, however, as a one off, why not get the grandparents living 200 miles away to assist as they will be local!

Mumsnet will say you should split yourselves in half or not have any grandparent help ever but that's a load of nonsense.

FuzzyPuffling · 30/01/2024 11:17

Your parents already do a lot.

Why, if it's a family event, would you ask any grandparent to do the pick-up? Either you or your DH do it, or your DD has to miss her 'thing.

Your child, your responsibility l

2dogsandabudgie · 30/01/2024 11:17

You need to give more information about the commitment. Surely she can miss it just this once?

MsPavlichenko · 30/01/2024 11:18

Brutally your Parents in Law don’t need to do anything, neither do your parents but clearly they are happy to. You can ask but obviously they might say no. Will your daughter be happy for them to take her in any case given she sees them infrequently.

I note your DH insists you attend the family event whilst also expecting you to sort this out. Maybe pass it on to him to resolve?

Noneofmybeeswax · 30/01/2024 11:20

Ok, it's a party for OH & I. DD was asked and she's desperate to go to her commitment and be late to the party.
It will mean missing approx 45 minutes of 4 hours.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 30/01/2024 11:24

I think your parents are doing way more than they need too

2dogsandabudgie · 30/01/2024 11:26

You still haven't said what the commitment is. If it's just a weekly club then surely it won't hurt her not to go. If it's a competition that she has been practicing for months for then that's different.

Noneofmybeeswax · 30/01/2024 11:28

I don't want to be any more identifiable than I already am... It is not a weekly club, it is a special one off.

OP posts:
Haydenn · 30/01/2024 11:28

I think it’s very admirable of your DD to want to honour her commitments.

I’d ask his parents in the first instance, but be prepared to ask yours.

SecondUsername4me · 30/01/2024 11:30

so OH suggested "I'm sure we can get a grandparent to pick up

Yes, I'd assume he was going to arrange it with his folks too. And I'd be pushing him to sort it now. Yours do enough.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/01/2024 11:31

It was incredibly presumptuous if you to affirm your dds attendance before checking it was ok with GPS. The fact that the other ones do so so much for you, and you are exceptionally lucky with that, has possibly made you assume it's a given.

cadburyegg · 30/01/2024 11:31

I would ask his parents

How sustainable is it that your parents do as much as they do?

poolcrew · 30/01/2024 11:39

Is the anyone else at your DD's activity who may be able to drop her home afterwards? you're inviting people down to an event then wanting them to miss 45 minutes of it to do you a favour

Iwasafool · 30/01/2024 11:42

So you've invited GPs to come hundreds of miles to a party but you want them to miss the first 45 minutes of 4 hrs? I don't think it is fair to ask them or your parents. Can another parent give a lift, book a taxi? If you aren't prepared to do it I don't see why they would.

Kitkatcatflap · 30/01/2024 11:53

How old is your DD? Can you not ask another parent/friends parents. Do you have a close friend or perhaps DD's godparent can take her. I think it's unfair to ask your parents when they do so much already.

Failing that your DD will just have to suck it up and attend your family get together, there will be other events. Life happens.

SoSoNuts · 30/01/2024 11:59

I think you went wrong by assuming someone would do it. I dont book a thing or assume anything before I have asked and been told yes thats fine.

Ponderingwindow · 30/01/2024 12:03

You invited the grandparents to travel to the event. The incurred expenses for that travel. Now you want them to miss the beginning of the event?


I would be asking a parent of one of the other participants if they can help in this special circumstance.

tiredmama23 · 30/01/2024 12:04

SoSoNuts · 30/01/2024 11:59

I think you went wrong by assuming someone would do it. I dont book a thing or assume anything before I have asked and been told yes thats fine.

Yep, this!

BIossomtoes · 30/01/2024 12:04

You need to find someone else who isn’t going to the party. Or change the starting time. Basically you’ve messed up and are expecting your ILs to bail you out. Not cool.

SuperBored · 30/01/2024 12:05

Even if it's your party, one of you could go and pick your DD up, still leaves one of you to entertain guests, or try and get someone from wherever she is to drop her back, or you tell DD that she cant go. I wouldn't be so rude as to ask someone coming to your party

TinyYellow · 30/01/2024 12:06

It would seem really unfair to ask your parents to leave the event to do a favour that they do all the time while the other GPs just carry on enjoying a drink.

I wouldn’t ask your parents at all. If your DPs parents won’t do it then either pay for a taxi if you dd is old enough or she will have to miss it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/01/2024 12:09

I’m just a bit confused as to why, if it’s a clash, the GPs would be better placed to nip out of the event than you or your DH?

Surely the easiest answer is that one of you two misses a bit rather than them? Or ask another parent to bring her back?

notgettinganyyounger · 30/01/2024 12:09

Dh parents are attending their sons event. I wouldn't be inviting them all that way, just to leave said event to pick up grabschild.
Surely you can leave to go and get her?

OddityOddityOdd · 30/01/2024 12:09

Have you got a friend who could help out ? I wouldn't ask either set of parents if it can be avoided.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/01/2024 12:11

Noneofmybeeswax · 30/01/2024 11:20

Ok, it's a party for OH & I. DD was asked and she's desperate to go to her commitment and be late to the party.
It will mean missing approx 45 minutes of 4 hours.

Sorry missed this!

Then it still makes no sense for the invited guests to miss a bit! Presumably your parents will be at the party too? So cant asked them either.

Can your DH not be the one to miss a bit rather than GPs as he is the one who said yes? Or change the time of your party? Or as above ask a friend’s parent to pick up?

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