Asking grandparents to help

[Noneofmybeeswax]

My parents live 30 minutes away and pick the kids up from school 2 days a week, do all my school holiday cover, if we ever need babysitters we have to ask them and they do loads for us. They love it and wouldn't change it.
My PILs live hundreds of miles away so obviously aren't in a position to help on a regular basis with our kids. In 10 years they've done 2 pick ups for us from weddings on my side of the family and always tied it in with a visit to see us. We have never asked for any other help looking after the kids. When they visit we do things all together, maybe once a year they will offer to take the kids on a day out without us.
We have an upcoming family event so have invited the wider family and quite a few people are coming to stay, including my PILs. Unfortunately the start of the event clashes with a commitment for DD and she really doesn't want to miss it. OH and I need to be at the event so OH suggested "I'm sure we can get a grandparent to pick up." (It's 20 minutes in the opposite direction to parents house) I confirmed DD's attendance on this basis without clarifying which grandparents he meant - I just assumed he meant his side as they will be visiting. When I went to clarify after replying he was horrified and just assumed my parents would cover it and we can't possibly ask one or both of his parents to drive to an unknown (to them) location to help us out.
For me, we should at least ask them first as we really need the help, they are already in the area so it's not like we're asking them to come specially and they don't do almost anything for or with their grandkids the rest of the year. Only if they refuse do I feel it is fair to even contemplate asking my parents.

I think YABU.

They live far away - of course they don’t do as much with the grandkids, and dropping one child off at their event that’s 20 minutes away is hardly quality time?

Although it seems like you haven’t even asked them yet, maybe they won’t mind and you’re making a fuss out of nothing.

Ask them and if they say no, then think about your alternate options.

I feel the only viable options are

1. DD doesn't go
2. You arrange for one of her friend's parents to drop her back
3. One of you or DH picks her up.

Asking either set of grandparents to miss part of the party is just plain rude.

I would leave this one for your DH to sort out. He was the one who was "sure" it would all be fine because the life fairies were going to sort it all out for him.

Just ask him how it's all going.

You or your DH need to collect her then.

Yeah, but the OP was the one who confirmed her dd's attendance at the other event without actually having a plan. I think they're both responsible for finding a solution.

Annnnddddd this is exactly what has happened! Just came here for the inevitable 'you're abusing your parents by making them do so much, stop this entitled disgusting behaviour right now' comments.

Exactly, I know some MNetters will bend over backwards to try and blame the man, but they're both as entitled as each other here.

It is not your PiL fault that you planned your party on the same day as yorur daughter's special one off event!

Exactly this. They do pick ups, cover all school holidays "and loads more." Their whole lives revolve around acting as childcare - school holidays are LONG and there's so many of them! I bet they'd love to cut down or have an impromptu day out but will always be watching the clock. Are they genuinely happy to do this much or do you prefer not to look too closely?

Clearly you see it as a great privilege to run around after your kids, day in and day out so I can see why you have that attitude to the PIL, who sound lovely.

As it's such a great privilege, I'm sure you and DH are excited to collect your own DD. It will be a novelty to do your own pick up!

I think the OPs is worse. She just accepted that the GPs, whichever set, would do it. Assuming the GPs who have travelled hundreds of miles to the party and will drive hundreds of miles home again should miss almost an hour of a 4 hour party is beyond entitled.

If I was her MIL and I found out what she'd planned I wouldn't bother going as I'd feel like I was being treated like the hired (unpaid) help.

This

I do loads of childcare for my GC, regularly for the ones who live nearby but also travel to help out with the ones further away and have them to stay in holidays. I do it because I like it so I have no problem with GPs doing a lot but that isn't the same as travelling hundreds of miles because you have been invited to a party and then being expected to miss a chunk of it.

No way, OP booked without checking it is her fault at least as much as his.

It can't be that far away if it's only going to mean she misses 45 minutes.

Why can't you book and pay for a cab to drop her there and collect her instead of expecting someone else to play taxi for your daughter?
Many kids manage to get to school that way, so it's not that unusual.

Alternatively, are other kids going to your daughters event (which you don't deem special enough to attend) who may have parents driving there that could give her a lift there and back?

You could hire an emergency nanny to work for half a day (don't think they do shorter than that) who could drive her there & back.

There are plenty of options that don't rely on other people to solve your problems for you.

Seems very selfish of you to book an event at a time that clashes when you could have just started that an hour later, then want everyone else to pick up the pieces.

Wow you sound very very spoilt and entitled!! Either that or deep down you know your are absolutely being unreasonable asking grandparents to travel 100s of miles for a party and then expect them to miss it to play taxi driver so therefore are trying to rationalize it in your own mind by painting them as the bad guys here when they actually haven’t done anything wrong!!

Why have you allowed your daughter to make a commitment to an event when you are hosting something so important that people are traveling all that way to attend. I don’t mean this harshly but it sounds like you are bringing up your daughter to be as spoilt as you are. Tell her she has to miss it. It won’t do her any harm to be told no every now and again

i would do it myself. You are the parent. Why should grandparents be the ones to miss the party.

No grandparents are going to be excited to drive so far and miss the start of your party to give your dd a lift somewhere they don’t know!

I think you or Dh should do it, or don’t let dd go. It was a mistake to agree to it in the first place.

Is it the same day that PILs will have driven 'hundreds' of miles to get to you? If so, then no I wouldn't expect them to do it regardless of the situation. Also, if the party is for you and DH I don't think it's fair to expect either set of parents to miss a;most an hour of it, especially as the PILs have come so far to attend. Can't you ask a parent of one DDs friends, or whoever else is attending the event, to drop her back for you?

It might help her to realize that grandparents are not servants.

I was thinking about this again and the bit that really strikes me as entitled is:

The OP realises that her parents do a lot and that this would be too much to ask

So her default next choice is the other grandparents and to get annoyed with them for not doing as much

Sorting it out themselves isn't something either of them consider

Basically they are out of the habit of taking responsibility for their own children

It's a very short 'special one off' if your DD can be driven there , attend , and be driven back all within 45 minutes .

Your PILs can't be expected to drive hundreds of miles , as well as taking the DD , and your parents shouldn't have to do it either , as they do so much for you all .

How about you or your DH doing it ?

Is there a reason why your party cant start an hour later?

Sorry YAB completely U. One of you or DH needs to do the pick up or tell her she can't go. 45 mins out of 4 hrs isn't that much to miss. If the issue is really that you both want to drink, it's just tough. You can't until she's back.

You want his parents to travel all that way to a party for you and your hubby and then ask them to miss 1/4 of it?