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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Asking grandparents to help

216 replies

Noneofmybeeswax · 30/01/2024 11:11

My parents live 30 minutes away and pick the kids up from school 2 days a week, do all my school holiday cover, if we ever need babysitters we have to ask them and they do loads for us. They love it and wouldn't change it.
My PILs live hundreds of miles away so obviously aren't in a position to help on a regular basis with our kids. In 10 years they've done 2 pick ups for us from weddings on my side of the family and always tied it in with a visit to see us. We have never asked for any other help looking after the kids. When they visit we do things all together, maybe once a year they will offer to take the kids on a day out without us.
We have an upcoming family event so have invited the wider family and quite a few people are coming to stay, including my PILs. Unfortunately the start of the event clashes with a commitment for DD and she really doesn't want to miss it. OH and I need to be at the event so OH suggested "I'm sure we can get a grandparent to pick up." (It's 20 minutes in the opposite direction to parents house) I confirmed DD's attendance on this basis without clarifying which grandparents he meant - I just assumed he meant his side as they will be visiting. When I went to clarify after replying he was horrified and just assumed my parents would cover it and we can't possibly ask one or both of his parents to drive to an unknown (to them) location to help us out.
For me, we should at least ask them first as we really need the help, they are already in the area so it's not like we're asking them to come specially and they don't do almost anything for or with their grandkids the rest of the year. Only if they refuse do I feel it is fair to even contemplate asking my parents.

OP posts:
Boobettes · 30/01/2024 12:12

If it's a party for you and your DH, I think it's a bit mean to expect any of the grandparents to do it. It's like you're saying you're not bothered if they miss some of it.

I'd ask another parent if I was going to ask anyone at all, but then again I'd probably just explain to my child that sometimes, what mum and dad want to do is important too.

Roussette · 30/01/2024 12:15

Your parents do an incredible amount, you can't ask them.
Your ILs live hundreds of miles away (your words), you really can't ask them either. They are coming to a party, looking forward to seeing their son's family, and you're expecting them to go and pick your DD up?

I'm just gobsmacked at how much help you get year round anyway so surely you can sort this out. DD doesn't go. Move time of party. One of you nip out and pick her up. Find a friend to do it.

tiredmama23 · 30/01/2024 12:15

Yeah I'd just be leaving myself to collect my child in this situation, or moving the time of the party, or not allowing child to go to the event. I wouldn't be expecting my party guests to play taxi.

BetterWithPockets · 30/01/2024 12:16

Iwasafool · 30/01/2024 11:42

So you've invited GPs to come hundreds of miles to a party but you want them to miss the first 45 minutes of 4 hrs? I don't think it is fair to ask them or your parents. Can another parent give a lift, book a taxi? If you aren't prepared to do it I don't see why they would.

This…

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/01/2024 12:19

I think you should have confirmed who was picking up before you confirmed your dd's attendance, but that boat has sailed now.

Can you put out a general text/ email to both sets of grandparents to ask if any of them might be able to help?

If not, you or your DH will have to do it.

thistimelastweek · 30/01/2024 12:20

I wouldn't ask nay of the grandparents to do this.
If you really can't cadge a lift from a non- party goer, or bear to disappoint your daughter, either you or your husband should do it. A toss of a coin would settle it.

Original poster
Noneofmybeeswax · 30/01/2024 12:21

( Sorry, don't know how to quote replies) but @TinyYellow has hit the nail on the head.
I am mortified that my OH thinks my parents should just miss out when they already give up so much of their time and massively put themselves out to help us when his parents don't do a percent of the same.
Totally get that we shouldn't have accepted without checking with them first but I was genuinely excited at the prospect that PILs would actually do something to support their grandkids I sort of jumped the gun.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 30/01/2024 12:22

Your first mistake was confirming your DDs attendance without checking who could pick her up. That's not how things work in life.

SoSoNuts · 30/01/2024 12:23

Even in your reply you still don't seem to get it, that it's not a given right that a grandparent needs to do any of that. You've invited them for a party, not a taxi service.

Shinyandnew1 · 30/01/2024 12:23

I confirmed DD's attendance on this basis without clarifying

That’s rather unfortunate. I would see if one of DD’s friend’s parents could drop her at the party afterwards, if not, I would be either collecting her myself (either you or DH)-I’m pretty sure your friends and families will understand one of you being a bit late for your party if DD was so desperate not to miss something. I wouldn’t be asking any grandparents.

If you can’t possibly miss any of your party, the she can’t go.

Oliotya · 30/01/2024 12:23

I don't see any reason why you can't ask them? It's hardly a huge imposition. But tbh, if they've come for a party, and you've double booked DD I would make other arrangements. Depending how old she is could you arrange a taxi, or ask one of her friends (assuming she's at a club or birthday party or something) to drop her off?

Roussette · 30/01/2024 12:23

But your PILs live hundreds of miles away, how on earth could they be doing as much as your parents do?

It's a totally different set up. They see their son and family less frequently so to ask them to leave as they arrive or whatever is a bit much. I'm with your DH on this.

DaphneMoo · 30/01/2024 12:24

Like others, I can't believe you would invite people to an event and expect them to miss a bit to collect your child. The obvious solutions would be to get another parent to get your daughter or for your daughter to miss the event. Unless you are getting married, I don't see why you and your partner need to be both there

VickyEadieofThigh · 30/01/2024 12:25

Noneofmybeeswax · 30/01/2024 12:21

( Sorry, don't know how to quote replies) but @TinyYellow has hit the nail on the head.
I am mortified that my OH thinks my parents should just miss out when they already give up so much of their time and massively put themselves out to help us when his parents don't do a percent of the same.
Totally get that we shouldn't have accepted without checking with them first but I was genuinely excited at the prospect that PILs would actually do something to support their grandkids I sort of jumped the gun.

They live hundreds of miles away! But your tone seems to be (actually) that as they happen to live too far away to put in the massive commitment that your parents already do, it's their turn and they should miss part of this party that YOU have invited them to travel down for.

YABU. You've screwed up and it's your issue to sort.

Your attitude to your PiL is not good, by the way.

tiredmama23 · 30/01/2024 12:27

SoSoNuts · 30/01/2024 12:23

Even in your reply you still don't seem to get it, that it's not a given right that a grandparent needs to do any of that. You've invited them for a party, not a taxi service.

100% agree with this. I'd never have this expectation of either set of grandparents! It's my job to collect my child from events I've allowed her to go to.

tiredmama23 · 30/01/2024 12:28

How old is DD? I'm assuming not old enough to go in a taxi by herself?

tiredmama23 · 30/01/2024 12:29

I am mortified that my OH thinks my parents should just miss out when they already give up so much of their time and massively put themselves out to help us when his parents don't do a percent of the same.

How can they do the same when they live hundreds of miles away??

2dogsandabudgie · 30/01/2024 12:30

I really don't understand your way of thinking. As Rousette has pointed out your in-laws live hundreds of miles away, so how on earth can they be there for you on a regular basis. Why are you excited that you think they would jump at the chance of collecting daughter from an event and missing part of your party. You make it sound as though to collect your daughter would be a huge privilege and honour for them and they should be grateful that you are asking them. I just don't get it.

fairo · 30/01/2024 12:31

Why did you book your party for a day your DD can't do?

Londonrach1 · 30/01/2024 12:31

You a bit rude to ask someone (pil) to an event and then think they can leave the event to pick up the grandchild. Even if they lived locally they don't have to do childcare, pick up dd. You not being nice about your pil. Either you or your dh miss Abit of the party or dd doesn't go. You need to start doing your share not putting everything on your poor parents.

fairo · 30/01/2024 12:32

Noneofmybeeswax · 30/01/2024 11:20

Ok, it's a party for OH & I. DD was asked and she's desperate to go to her commitment and be late to the party.
It will mean missing approx 45 minutes of 4 hours.

You can miss it then. Stop throwing parties when your DD needs you

fairo · 30/01/2024 12:33

It's unfair to compare your parents with your OH's parents

MintTwirl · 30/01/2024 12:34

Neither set of grandparents should be asked for the reasons others have already said. I would also consider using your parents for less as you have admitted that they are massively putting themselves out, I suspect a lot of grandparents probably don’t love these huge commitments as much as their children seem to think.

thatneverhappened · 30/01/2024 12:34

Can't you ask another parent at the event to help out if they're there anyway?

TinkerTiger · 30/01/2024 12:34

YABU. They came to visit and attend an event, not 'babysit', even though you frame it as 'support'