Asking grandparents to help

[Noneofmybeeswax]

My parents live 30 minutes away and pick the kids up from school 2 days a week, do all my school holiday cover, if we ever need babysitters we have to ask them and they do loads for us. They love it and wouldn't change it.
My PILs live hundreds of miles away so obviously aren't in a position to help on a regular basis with our kids. In 10 years they've done 2 pick ups for us from weddings on my side of the family and always tied it in with a visit to see us. We have never asked for any other help looking after the kids. When they visit we do things all together, maybe once a year they will offer to take the kids on a day out without us.
We have an upcoming family event so have invited the wider family and quite a few people are coming to stay, including my PILs. Unfortunately the start of the event clashes with a commitment for DD and she really doesn't want to miss it. OH and I need to be at the event so OH suggested "I'm sure we can get a grandparent to pick up." (It's 20 minutes in the opposite direction to parents house) I confirmed DD's attendance on this basis without clarifying which grandparents he meant - I just assumed he meant his side as they will be visiting. When I went to clarify after replying he was horrified and just assumed my parents would cover it and we can't possibly ask one or both of his parents to drive to an unknown (to them) location to help us out.
For me, we should at least ask them first as we really need the help, they are already in the area so it's not like we're asking them to come specially and they don't do almost anything for or with their grandkids the rest of the year. Only if they refuse do I feel it is fair to even contemplate asking my parents.

You can ask, and it would be a reasonable request, but don’t - as many MNters think - that they ‘owe you’ and don’t get out of your pram if they refuse

Don’t ask either ask a friend who’s not involved.

You seem annoyed that your DH’s parents don’t help out, but living such a distance away, they can’t. And your parents seem to do an awful lot, a lot more than most grandparents.

Can you not arrange for someone else to bring your DD, are any of her friends going to this event that she should go with ?

You are not being unreasonable at all but i would ask the grandparents who do most first and tell them yove asked them first and give them option to refuse then ask the others. (Grandparent who does a lot speaking here!)

Erm it sounds like your parents already do enough! Also cheeky to ask in laws... sorry OP but its time for you or your DH to sort this between yourselves...

I think you are absolutely right that your PiL could be asked to jump in this time, your parents do so much for you and your family that they deserve to sit back and relax this time. But.....why oh why does your OH think his parents shouldn't be away from the party but yours can easily be send on an errant?

if you don't find a solution between the two if you I would suggest to post the question in a neighbourhood group like Hopir or such and ask for a responsible adult that could pick up your daughter, bring her to her committment and back home. Of course you offer to pay for it.

Neither my mum or dad (and their partners) nor DH's parents have ever done 5 minutes of looking after or in any way assisting with our DC, who is now 11.
I am beyond jealous of anyone whose parents help out in any way.

You sound angry and resentful at PILs. It's amazing that you have amazing parents - and maybe you don't feel they are sufficiently appreciated. But you do NOT have the right to assume everyone else should take responsibility for your children. You made them. You look after them. And if you need support, you nicely ask, and you don't arrogantly assume and demand. The PILs get none of the advantages your parents have, so a polite approach and request for help seems in order.

Exactly. Your parents are the lucky ones @Noneofmybeeswax . They get to see their son and his family constantly, while the PILs miss out on your company.

Then, when they get the chance to come down, you want to cut their time with you at your party by an hour, to help you out? It's not like they'll even have their granddaughter's company for that hour apart from for a few minutes in the car. She apparently has something better to do than spend rare time with her grandparents too.

Yes YABU. The obvious solution is to ask one of DD’s friends parents to collect her and drop her off. Alternatively, ask one of YOUR friends to do same and miss 45 mins of the event.
However, the posters getting riled about your “entitled behaviour “ and stating your DP’s do too much, just sound jealous. Sure, some families do have to do it all alone but it doesn’t make you entitled if you have extended family that are close and are happy to help. My DP’s live 100’s of miles away and would give anything to be able to collect my DC’s from school 🤷‍♀️

Depending on DD age I'd ask another parent to put your DD in a taxi you arrange for her. T
It could bring her directly to your party. You really should have asked a grandparent before you made the commitment for DD.

I would never ask guests to miss a party. Is there a parent of friends at the same activity who could do drop off? Thank them with a box of chocolates or bottle of wine.

Why not just fork out for a taxi for your DD, if it’s just a one-off?

Your fault for confirming her attendance before seeing if anyone was willing to pick her up. You can’t ask GP’s to drive two hundred miles to miss the first hour because you haven’t organised yourself.

You have a few options- Ask another parent for help, one of you pick her up or she does not attend-Children have to learn that they can’t attend everything in life.

So you propose to demote one set of parents from welcome guest to unpaid nanny? Lovely!

I am with the majority of posters here. Neither set of parents should be tasked to miss the party.

Personally, I would have told my DD, "No" about attending the event she wanted to attend. But since you said "Yes", it's up to you to find a friend or another parent whose child is going to the same event to drop off your DD. If none of that works, then I guess one of you should miss a bit of the party.

Not at all nice to "assume" people will be willing for you to be thsie taskmaster.