Asking grandparents to help

[Noneofmybeeswax]

My parents live 30 minutes away and pick the kids up from school 2 days a week, do all my school holiday cover, if we ever need babysitters we have to ask them and they do loads for us. They love it and wouldn't change it.
My PILs live hundreds of miles away so obviously aren't in a position to help on a regular basis with our kids. In 10 years they've done 2 pick ups for us from weddings on my side of the family and always tied it in with a visit to see us. We have never asked for any other help looking after the kids. When they visit we do things all together, maybe once a year they will offer to take the kids on a day out without us.
We have an upcoming family event so have invited the wider family and quite a few people are coming to stay, including my PILs. Unfortunately the start of the event clashes with a commitment for DD and she really doesn't want to miss it. OH and I need to be at the event so OH suggested "I'm sure we can get a grandparent to pick up." (It's 20 minutes in the opposite direction to parents house) I confirmed DD's attendance on this basis without clarifying which grandparents he meant - I just assumed he meant his side as they will be visiting. When I went to clarify after replying he was horrified and just assumed my parents would cover it and we can't possibly ask one or both of his parents to drive to an unknown (to them) location to help us out.
For me, we should at least ask them first as we really need the help, they are already in the area so it's not like we're asking them to come specially and they don't do almost anything for or with their grandkids the rest of the year. Only if they refuse do I feel it is fair to even contemplate asking my parents.

You're so going to be so beholden OP. Fun times lie ahead.
I've seen it.
Just sort it out between the two of you.

This, it’s incredibly rude of you to invite them to a party then say “actually, we won’t miss you for almost a quarter of it so you can do us a favour”. It could also be interpreted as making a statement about which set of parents you want to celebrate with.

Unless you can find someone else to pick up your DD, I’d tell her she’ll have to miss whatever it is.

Your mistake was giving your DD the option to go to her event when it clashed with a family party. Unless she is old enough to get herself to the party from her event then she shouldn't have been given a choice. I think YABU to expect either set of Grandparents to leave the party and be a taxi service.
Is there anyone your DD knows well who isn't going to your party who you could offer to pay to collect and drop off DD - assuming she's not old enough to go in a taxi by herself. ( And if she is too young then she's definitely too young to be calling the shots over attending her event).

You take her, your husband picks her up. Done.

As an aside, OP needs to work out her contingency plan should the GPs decide not to partly raise her children for her

This sounds like something my sister would post so I'm going to reply accordingly.

"They love it and wouldn't change it."

No they don't. They're exhausted.

I don’t think it’s fair to ask either set of grandparents. Surely they’ll all want to be at this party too?! I know that your in laws do a lot less, but that’s fairly normal considering they live hours away and your parents are local. I don’t like the implication that they ‘owe you’ this because they don’t normally help, when they live too far away to be of any hep really and you never ask them anyway.

In your position I’d ask another parent to pick up/drop off, assuming that dd is attending an event with friends/club mates.

Indeed. My late parents raised part-time several of their grandchildren and though they loved all of them, they told me they found it exhausting 30 years before the youngest (there's 12 years between my older and younger brother and 25 years between the oldest and youngest grandchild) finally went to school full-time.

They were too afraid to admit it to my brothers because they feared not seeing the grandkids at all.

This. Either DD misses the event, or you/DH sort out picking up/dropping off.

Waiting for the right moment to casually mention that the special family event is a vow renewal so that everyone can get really riled up.

Waiting for the right moment to casually mention that the special family event is a vow renewal so that everyone can get really riled up

Or a baby shower.

Or gender reveal 😂

Oh if it's a gender reveal complete with tacky pink or blue cake, the bigger problem will be all of the grandparents queueing up to run the errand...

Yep!! Loads of times. No GP help here either. That's life isn't it.

Do either of you have older nieces and nephews that could help. Even if they had to go via public transport to event. In my family if we had family events and a younger cousin had an unmissable event (stage performance, or dressed rehersal etc) one of us older cousins would be asked if we could take him or her to event.

Your parents do so so much for you I wouldn't ask them. Your in laws are travelling to the event, it would be nice if they would but definitely should not have been assumed they or you parents would drop off.

Gosh that’s so so sad !

I don’t think I have ever read such a brutally entitled post on MN!
You don’t seem to appreciate at all how lucky you are that your parents are at your beck and call for childcare, it even sounds like you think it’s a bloody privilege to do that.
Sort out your own kid for once.

Me neither. One of the most entitled OP's I've seen in a long time. Even the way it's worded is as though the parents are some kind of PAs:

"They do all my holiday cover" etc

Just odd choice of phrasing for extended family voluntarily providing a GIGANTIC amount of help.

Sorry OP but I think either

1. Your DD misses out and stays at the party
2. You ask a non-family member to help out

You said the event is a party for you & DH. I presume this is something like an anniversary party. So I think it's entirely inappropriate to ask either or your parents to the event and then expect them to miss part of the event to drive your daughter about!

And I do think you're very entitled.

You are so lucky that your parents live so close and are healthy, happy and willing to help out so much.

Your DH's parents are not lesser nor do they "owe" you help

But unfortunately, quite common.

The OP's parents may be genuinely happy to do this much childcare - in which case, great for the OP, I mean that, she has won the grandparent lottery.

But most normal people would count their blessings at that point. Especially when they also have a second set of grandparents who, whenever they have been asked, have driven hundreds of miles to pick up their grandchildren from weddings.

But, no, the OP thinks it's not fair that she doesn't have four people parenting helping her at all times, but only two.

I can understand why she and her DH might have got to this place - they just has never had to actually take responsibility for their children to the point where they debate which grandparents should do their errands rather than even consider doing it themselves or making their own arrangements - but it's just such an unattractive attitude. I hope the OP reflects on it even if she doesn't come back.

Not much fun for in laws to drive around a place they don't know ( even with a sat nav) looking for for your daughters event.
I'm sure they would be as excited as you seem to be about their role as taxi drivers when they thought they were coming to a party to see their family.

Does DD have friends at this event that could bring her home? Or another family member? Or she just misses out.

You're insinuating that PILS don't help out much because they're not inclined to rather than because they are living hundreds of miles away.

Fundamentally, why is any family gathering going ahead if primary family members are optional attendees, including your dd?

If dds event is THAT important - then reschedule yours.