Asking grandparents to help

[Noneofmybeeswax]

My parents live 30 minutes away and pick the kids up from school 2 days a week, do all my school holiday cover, if we ever need babysitters we have to ask them and they do loads for us. They love it and wouldn't change it.
My PILs live hundreds of miles away so obviously aren't in a position to help on a regular basis with our kids. In 10 years they've done 2 pick ups for us from weddings on my side of the family and always tied it in with a visit to see us. We have never asked for any other help looking after the kids. When they visit we do things all together, maybe once a year they will offer to take the kids on a day out without us.
We have an upcoming family event so have invited the wider family and quite a few people are coming to stay, including my PILs. Unfortunately the start of the event clashes with a commitment for DD and she really doesn't want to miss it. OH and I need to be at the event so OH suggested "I'm sure we can get a grandparent to pick up." (It's 20 minutes in the opposite direction to parents house) I confirmed DD's attendance on this basis without clarifying which grandparents he meant - I just assumed he meant his side as they will be visiting. When I went to clarify after replying he was horrified and just assumed my parents would cover it and we can't possibly ask one or both of his parents to drive to an unknown (to them) location to help us out.
For me, we should at least ask them first as we really need the help, they are already in the area so it's not like we're asking them to come specially and they don't do almost anything for or with their grandkids the rest of the year. Only if they refuse do I feel it is fair to even contemplate asking my parents.

I think you're a teeny bit entitled. It's your problem to sort. Your parents may do loads so you don't want to ask them but your PILs are travelling a long way & I think you risk offending them. Your DH is right.

It doesn't matter what percent the grandparents do or don't do, it's not their job to ferry your kids around, you sound entitled. You need to go pick up your own kid or change the party time.

We're in a very similar situation with grandparents as you are and I'd have thought he'd have meant his parents. Our far away grandparent would always do something like that if she was visiting, she loves to and says she doesn't get to do it week in week out as she's too far away so likes to help out when she does see the kids.

I don't think you can ask either grandparents to do the drop off and pick up. That's just plain rude.

You either change the time of your own party.
You arrange transport for your child - taxi or lifts from someone else also going to the event.
One of you drops her off and the other picks her up.
These are your choices.

Picking folk up from strange places isn't a big deal with satnav. But it depends when the PILs made the hundreds of miles journey to attend your party. If it's the same day as the party and DD's event, then it would be totally unreasonable to ask them to pick up DD.

My parents live a long way away. When visiting would help out do school runs. They did further out runs with teenagers who knew directions/ where they needed to be, but I would not have asked them to take a younger child that far if they are not local.

The obvious answer is to say no to your daughter and stop asking grandparents to step in. Neither set of grandparents should be expected to oblige in this situation. You're expecting too much.

If you are hosting the party I think it would be very rude of either you or your husband to disappear for so long or expect a guest to!

If your party was organised first then surely your daughter just can't go to her event unless an option other than you, your husband or a guest can be found?

If she had committed to that first-then wtaf??

This.

I think I'd feel a bit taken advantage of if I was DH's parents to be honest.

You obviously don't want to disrupt your parents' time at your party, but you're quite happy to make his parents miss out.

Plus you come across really resentful that his parents don't do as much childcare as your parents which you seem to think you're entitled to even though they live hundreds of miles away!

No, don't do this. It will make them all feel guilty and put upon!

Um, this is your mistake so I think either you or your DH need to do it or she doesn't attend.

And even if it wasn't, I think making assumptions about someone else's willingness to help with your kids is a bit off. You get loads of help as it is.

Is it too late to change the time of your event?

I agree.
I do wonder if OP moved / decided to live near her parents. A lot families do.
As the mother of sons I’m thinking we may have to be in the middle of the country so DILs don’t have so much hate for us.

This!

This is clearly a special occasion that one set of grandparents are travelling a long way for and the other set already do so much...I think its unreasonable to ask either set to do it.

Either tell daughter she has to miss the event due to the party or one of you parents take her or ask another parent from the activity to.

I agree with other posters that say it sounds like you (unfairly) resent your parent in laws for not being around to help out very much. They dont live close enough to be partical, on hand help and that is not their fault.

It would be interesting to know the age of the daughter who gets to disrupt the day of a family event with her "wants".

It makes no sense for anyone to miss the party. Either a person not attending brings DD back, (maybe a parent of someone else attending the same ‘commitment’) or you explain it isn’t possible for DD to attend this time due to the party. Could you not just have planned the party to start a bit later knowing your daughter had this other thing?

If you PIL are travelling hundreds of miles to go to your birthday party it is a bit off to expect them to miss a chunk of it to do child pickups. Same for your own parents.

What is the "special one off event" your dd is going to? Sometimes you just have to miss things if there is something more important e.g. a large family event.

A kids/friends birthday party, then she needs to miss. A football game where she is playing and in the final, or a play where she is playing the lead then try to get her there.

It appears you have created a family that is unsustainable without external support. That is the fault of you and your DH not GP or anyone else for that matter.

This.

DH's brother is in a similar position. Emotionally as well as practically. I have wondered, god forbid, what would happen if anything disrupted this dynamic.

What is the "special one off event" your dd is going to? Sometimes you just have to miss things if there is something more important e.g. a large family event.

This. If it’s a once in a lifetime event where your child is being presented with a trophy from David Attenborough, then I’d be there myself watching. I’d delay my own party or just miss the start of it. Otherwise, she might just have to miss the event this time.

This is not to be re-framed as a chore for far away grandparents to do as punishment for not giving you enough childcare.

@Noneofmybeeswax not bothering to reply?

Don't ask you parents to miss it, they already do too much! PIL aren't going to so you need to tell DH one of you has to miss out or you ask someone else going to DDs event to do transport.

but I was genuinely excited at the prospect that PILs would actually do something to support their grandkids

🙄

This!

I was genuinely excited at the prospect that PILs would actually do something to support their grandkids

so if this really just having a go at the awful in laws who do t do anything for your children?

I wouldn't have assumed someone would cover the lifts, you should have asked them first. Me personally, I'd cancel daughter's activity. You have a party to host, and your parents do alot already.