Asking grandparents to help

[Noneofmybeeswax]

My parents live 30 minutes away and pick the kids up from school 2 days a week, do all my school holiday cover, if we ever need babysitters we have to ask them and they do loads for us. They love it and wouldn't change it.
My PILs live hundreds of miles away so obviously aren't in a position to help on a regular basis with our kids. In 10 years they've done 2 pick ups for us from weddings on my side of the family and always tied it in with a visit to see us. We have never asked for any other help looking after the kids. When they visit we do things all together, maybe once a year they will offer to take the kids on a day out without us.
We have an upcoming family event so have invited the wider family and quite a few people are coming to stay, including my PILs. Unfortunately the start of the event clashes with a commitment for DD and she really doesn't want to miss it. OH and I need to be at the event so OH suggested "I'm sure we can get a grandparent to pick up." (It's 20 minutes in the opposite direction to parents house) I confirmed DD's attendance on this basis without clarifying which grandparents he meant - I just assumed he meant his side as they will be visiting. When I went to clarify after replying he was horrified and just assumed my parents would cover it and we can't possibly ask one or both of his parents to drive to an unknown (to them) location to help us out.
For me, we should at least ask them first as we really need the help, they are already in the area so it's not like we're asking them to come specially and they don't do almost anything for or with their grandkids the rest of the year. Only if they refuse do I feel it is fair to even contemplate asking my parents.

Agree with this!!

You would think!!

You are so entitled.

None of your child's grandparents should feel remotely obligated to do this pick up (and everything else your parents do). Your DH's parents don't even live nearby and you still resent what you see as a lack of support. Also, when you say "supporting their grandchildren", you actually mean supporting you to have your cake and eat it.

Pick up your own kid. And don't make plans next time that depend on the contribution of people you haven't even been courteous enough to ask and then think you have even the remotest right to be pissed off.

On another note. You could ask? With the attitude you seem to have towards them they might be absolutely dreading coming down to see you and only doing it as they feel obligated. They might thank their lucky stars to be able to fuck off for an hour or so 🤣

I’d support DD wanting to do her thing but find another way to get her there and back - anyone else you know going? School mum who could help?

I don’t think it’s fair to ask your ILs this time, given the circs. And, kindly, is it worth having a chat with your own parents sometime soon to ask their how they feel about the level of care they provide? If they are genuinely happy then great, but it sounds like a huge amount.

Maybe it needs to be rephrased as 'helping out family as that's what families do- support each other' rather than childcare. Especially so if when the tables turn you will repay the favours.

This is coming from a person who gets limited family support.

Mine have missed stuff as I have had no child cover. That's life.

No you need to ask or pay someone who isn’t a grandparent to help or the DD doesn’t go.

^^ This. I had no GP help, I just juggled. And sometimes the DCs had to miss something they really wanted to go to.

You are far too reliant on grandparents IMHO. You say your parents love it. Hmm I wouldn't be too sure. All this expectation for help from others because your DD can't miss out.

It's just a simple miscommunication between you and your DH. I think it's a bit rubbish to expect either pair of grandparents to miss part of the event they have been invited to in order to ferry your DD around. She either misses the event, or you arrange alternative transport. Is your DD friends with anyone else going to this activity? Could she go with one of her friends and have a sleep over? If not, pay a babysitter or tell her she can't go.

If your parents do the bulk of childcare then of course it makes sense to ask his parents on this one occasion if it has to be a GP. What might make a bit more sense is to ask a mum friend of your DD assuming they won't be at the party - I would do this for anyone I knew as a one-off. Or is she old enough for you to arrange a taxi?

So you've invited GPs to come hundreds of miles to a party but you want them to miss the first 45 minutes of 4 hrs?

Absolutely that.

You seem genuinely resentful that they aren't available for practical help, and seem to think that they should somehow 'make up for it' when they're anywhere in the area.

You've been spoiled by your parents involvement, to be honest. You say yourself that they want and love to do what they do. That's great. But it doesn't mean that GPs who live hundreds of miles away should have to make up for their inability to be your childcare.

You find someone else to take DD. One of your other guests maybe, who hasn't had to travel hundreds of miles.

You can't invite your DH's parents to travel several hundred miles to come to a party then give them a job to do while it's on. That's so out of order. And why should your own parents miss any of it too? You need to come up with a plan C or your DD shouldn't go. It's up to you as parents to look after your children. It's entirely up to grandparents to decide whether they want to be involved in childcare.

Also very odd phraseology from your DH - I would say your mum and dad if I was talking about my DHs parents and my mum and dad if I was talking about mine. Random GP will collect is a bit of an odd thing to say!
Not important at all though!

You are both in the wrong imo. I think it’s wrong that both sets of parents are making the effort to come to your party and you want them to do something that makes them miss a chunk of it. I understand you thinking your oh said his parents would do it so maybe that part was a misunderstanding. He’s completely out of order to have meant your parents which is obviously what he meant when he said it.
Couldn’t you get someone at the event to drop your daughter back afterwards? Otherwise I think you need to collect her yourselves or she doesn’t go.

Neither set of grandparents should be asked to miss the event you have invited them too. Nor should the grandparents who live at a distance be expected to ‘make up’ for the lack of help on visits.

I would hold my hands up and say ‘we screwed up booking this’ and unless you can source external childcare to fetch her then I would cancel.

For me, we should at least ask them first as we really need the help

If you had of done this before hand then there wouldn't have been confusion as to which GP's you were talking about.

"if we ever need babysitters we have to ask them" why do you have to ask them, you could pay for babysitters like most people do.

It comes across to me that the OP wants to punish the paternal grandparents for what she perceives as their lack of "help", and to make a big point of having them miss some of the party as a result.

Is there another child going that she could go with? Or you/h drop her and leave her and she gets a lift back?

You or your husband need to pick her up!

You sound very entitled , just leave the event and pick the child up . I’m assuming your in-laws are not driving 2 hours to do kids pick ups are they ? They probably have a life as I’m sure do your parents .

Blimey op, you sound really cheeky. This is your party? You don’t invite people to something several hours away then ask expect them to do some childcare for you too! Given it’s actually your event your DD should have been told no, on this occasion you are not going to the other thing, there’s a family commitment today. Or get a parent of a friend of DD to help perhaps? But you do sound very resentful of your ILs who don’t owe you anything!

If I'd have come up specially for a party, I'd be really annoyed at missing a quarter of it.

I don't think you should ask either side. Either you ask another parent to help you out, or she doesn't go.