Asking grandparents to help

[Noneofmybeeswax]

My parents live 30 minutes away and pick the kids up from school 2 days a week, do all my school holiday cover, if we ever need babysitters we have to ask them and they do loads for us. They love it and wouldn't change it.
My PILs live hundreds of miles away so obviously aren't in a position to help on a regular basis with our kids. In 10 years they've done 2 pick ups for us from weddings on my side of the family and always tied it in with a visit to see us. We have never asked for any other help looking after the kids. When they visit we do things all together, maybe once a year they will offer to take the kids on a day out without us.
We have an upcoming family event so have invited the wider family and quite a few people are coming to stay, including my PILs. Unfortunately the start of the event clashes with a commitment for DD and she really doesn't want to miss it. OH and I need to be at the event so OH suggested "I'm sure we can get a grandparent to pick up." (It's 20 minutes in the opposite direction to parents house) I confirmed DD's attendance on this basis without clarifying which grandparents he meant - I just assumed he meant his side as they will be visiting. When I went to clarify after replying he was horrified and just assumed my parents would cover it and we can't possibly ask one or both of his parents to drive to an unknown (to them) location to help us out.
For me, we should at least ask them first as we really need the help, they are already in the area so it's not like we're asking them to come specially and they don't do almost anything for or with their grandkids the rest of the year. Only if they refuse do I feel it is fair to even contemplate asking my parents.

You make it sound as though to collect your daughter would be a huge privilege and honour for them and they should be grateful that you are asking them. I just don't get it.

Agreed, I also read it this way, and I don't get it either. It's a massive pain in the arse for anyone to have to play taxi for a child on the night of a family party, hence the parents should be the ones doing it 🤷‍♀️

Either you or your DH will need to be late for your own party if your DD continues with her commitment. Not sure you can ask for a party member to pick up your DD! Irrespective of it being either set of GP's. You know you shouldn't have confirmed DDs attendance without first nailing the lift. You're going to have to suck this one up yourself...but get DH to do it as he clearly leaves all the organisation to you and clearly expected your parents to do the pick up!

So you want them to miss nearly a quarter of the party they've travelled hundreds of miles to attend, in order to what? Prove that they're 'as good' grandparents as your parents?

These situations always look very different when you're standing outside them, but it does seem as if you resent your ILs quite a bit. And that there might be more of a backstory here.

Is she going with any friends? Would another mum drop her off exceptionally? How old is she? Can you organise a taxi?

What is the special event that your DD is going to?

Do you not have a close friend, cousin or a parent of one of her friends who would do you a favour and collect DD and drop her back to your event?

I think that YABU to expect either set of grandparents to collect your daughter and act as a taxi service, especially your PIL when they have travelled so far to attend your party.

This is a bit weird in my view. Why would you be excited about the idea of them giving your dd a lift?

I think you shouldn't expect either set of grandparents to step up, but if I had to pick, I think it would be easier to ask the ones that you see more regularly, as the party won't be such a big deal for them. The ones who are travelling half way across the country for a party aren't going to want to miss it.

How does that help the OP?

I’d either move your event back a bit and you/DH take DD or ask a favour from another parent going. It’s rude to invite a guest to an event and then make them miss it.

Your reply OP, does illustrate a certain attitude towards your husband's parents, and I think you know that. They live hundreds of miles away, you are massively over utilising your own parents (fair enough if it really is their choice) but they are your guests and it would be very rude to expect them to miss part of the event you have invited them to.

It honestly sounds like you resent your ILs for living where they do, and not helping you out with childcare as much as your parents!
That is not pleasant. It sounds like they have helped on occasion but you really shouldn't be comparing. As I said... a totally different set up.
They are making the effort to come hundreds of miles to a party you are holding. Be grateful for that.

You ask a parent friend from DD's commitment to drop her back for you or to take her home until she's picked up later. Or to accompany her in an Uber.

It's no way to treat either set of GPs to expect them to miss the early part of this event.

I was genuinely excited at the prospect that PILs would actually do something to support their grandkids I sort of jumped the gun.

OMFG were you now?

I've met some entitled parents in my time but this takes the absolute piss!

How about getting excited at the prospect that you or your husband either tell your child no, or go and pick her up yourselves?

I think what you've missed here is that obviously there's no way your parents should do it, that would be an outrageous request - but, that from there you think the other grandparents who youve invited to your party should be the ones to do it?!? That is literally bonkers and I think because your parents do so much, you've lost sight of what is reasonable/normal.
No.
The people to do this are you, your dh, your dd doesn't go, taxi or a friend. One of those should have been your go to thought.

Why is your childcare someone else’s responsibility. You sound awfully entitled.

I wouldn’t dream of expecting GP to pick up from school or have them during holidays.

It appears you have created a family that is unsustainable without external support. That is the fault of you and your DH not GP or anyone else for that matter.

You sound quite resentful towards your parent in laws op

surely you know they don’t owe you childcare?

I think because your parents do so much, you've lost sight of what is reasonable/normal.

Sorry but I totally agree.

I can totally understand what you’re saying, but I think it’s about how you frame it. I’d personally be mortified to ask someone to travel hundreds of miles for event, only to expect them to miss the start of it to do me a favour.

How about getting excited at the prospect that you or your husband either tell your child no, or go and pick her up yourselves?

😂

I imagine (but don't know) that it's a bone of contention between you and your DH that your parents do so much. And his don't. Because they live so far away.
Personally, I think the amount they do should possibly be scaled back because it is unsustainable and GPs I know are absolutely exhausted if they take on too much. I hope they're young GPs !

It might help her rethink her selfish, entitled attitude?

I think just raise it with DH's parents and see how they react? Contrary to many views on here, I agree with OP that many grandparents enjoy the opportunity to help with children. My mum became disabled and often expresses sadness that this prevents here being more involved in their lives on a day to day basis (aka helping out). However, if DH's parents are not keen then I agree either say your DD cannot go, take her yourself or find a non-invitee to take her.

’my parents help us an enormous amount, they are coming to the party. Your parents can take her or you can find another way that is NOT my parents or you can apologise profusely to dd and the organisers and cancel. I still cannot believe that you said grandparents and just meant my parents. They aren’t the hired help.’

The people to do this are you, your dh, your dd doesn't go, taxi or a friend. One of those should have been your go to thought.

This 100%. Or put the party back a bit! Taxi is no go in my opinion unless she’s over 16, in which case she could make her own way back.

Absolutely no way should either set of grandparents be asked to go. They are the very last people in the family who should. It sounds like you don’t really want them at your party for one thing!

I also think you should be scaling back with your parents do as it sounds like it’s far too much

I'd be asking another parent or a sibling. I feel asking someone to come from so far to attend an event and then asking them to miss it is a bit off. But that goes for your parents as well. Have you asked your PIL to mind before and the theyve said no?

Should also have notice you said your parents “do all my school holiday cover”.

It’s not just yours, it’s your husband’s as well. Is the issue here more that he doesn’t do his fair share, and that your parents are picking up the slack that should be his to do?

I’d have more sympathy with this than griping with his parents.