Asking grandparents to help

[Noneofmybeeswax]

My parents live 30 minutes away and pick the kids up from school 2 days a week, do all my school holiday cover, if we ever need babysitters we have to ask them and they do loads for us. They love it and wouldn't change it.
My PILs live hundreds of miles away so obviously aren't in a position to help on a regular basis with our kids. In 10 years they've done 2 pick ups for us from weddings on my side of the family and always tied it in with a visit to see us. We have never asked for any other help looking after the kids. When they visit we do things all together, maybe once a year they will offer to take the kids on a day out without us.
We have an upcoming family event so have invited the wider family and quite a few people are coming to stay, including my PILs. Unfortunately the start of the event clashes with a commitment for DD and she really doesn't want to miss it. OH and I need to be at the event so OH suggested "I'm sure we can get a grandparent to pick up." (It's 20 minutes in the opposite direction to parents house) I confirmed DD's attendance on this basis without clarifying which grandparents he meant - I just assumed he meant his side as they will be visiting. When I went to clarify after replying he was horrified and just assumed my parents would cover it and we can't possibly ask one or both of his parents to drive to an unknown (to them) location to help us out.
For me, we should at least ask them first as we really need the help, they are already in the area so it's not like we're asking them to come specially and they don't do almost anything for or with their grandkids the rest of the year. Only if they refuse do I feel it is fair to even contemplate asking my parents.

In these circumstances I would try to arrange for someone not at the party to pick her up, it's fair on either sets of grandparents. One set has travelled a long way to be at the party but you want them to miss 45 mins?

But you expect his parents to miss out on the park? They live further away, of course they cannot help as much as your parents do. But you cannot invite people to a party and then railroad them into missing the party anf doing your child pick ups instead.

Neither set of grandparents should need to do this. Either you or DH does or you say no to your daughter.

You sound VERY entitled! It is YOUR child, YOU sort it out.

I think you saying the PIL should do it as ‘they don’t do anything for or with the grandkids all year ‘ shows that you expect grandparents are supposed to be there to help all the time.
It is not grandparents responsibility to pick up the pieces, they are your children. It’s lovely if they offer but should never be expected.

As it’s a family do surely all the family will want to be there and it’s unfair to expect some to miss out.
If your daughter needs to be somewhere else it’s up to you, your dh or your daughter to miss out.

I agree with everyone saying neither set of grand parents should do it, get one of her friends to bring her home. I would happily drop off another child under those circumstances.

Your kid would only be away for 45 minutes altogether, so it must be a really, really quick event.

Your husband can take her. Make him figure it out, don’t give it any headspace.

His parents clearly aren’t into doing stuff for your kids, time to let go of that expectation.

I live 200 miles from my DGC, I would be very upset if you invited me to an event and then bestowed the honour of missing it on me to be a taxi driver… sorry support as you put it! DGC is your responsibility, not mine. I happily take them out for days/babysit as far as I can given the distance and would be there to support in an emergency but your attitude is not very nice.

Nope, your DD. Therefore, you or your OH need do it. It's not such an important thing that one of you can't miss 45mins of it.

Well... the PILs quite obviously have done things for the children. OP said so. Pick ups and drop offs before now and once a year take them out for the day, all whilst living hundreds of miles away.

No one should expect GPs help. Just be grateful you have as much as you do, whichever set of GPs do it.

Well said. It sounds like the IL GPs are being blamed for living where they do!

100% this.

hmmm. I find it bizarre you are not even considering either yourself or DH to pick up your own daughter?? There's a lot of entitlement here.

I think your parents do so much for you that you have lost sight of the fact that the kids are your responsibility.

Not reasonable to invite any grandparents to a party and then send them off on an errand for part of it.

You should have found a non attendee to do it, said.no.to your daughter or done it yourselves

The key to this as always communication and you and your partner have both made a lot of assumptions and got yourself in a pickle.

We are in a similar situation in that my parents are 30 minutes away and my in-laws 4+h away. But for us my in laws are more of a position to provide child care. My parents can only handle a couple of hours due to health issues but are available at short notice. They looked after my daughter for half a day when she was off sick from nursery the other week. My in-laws can do longer but need more notice. They did a day of childcare in Nov when I needed to work my day off. They were planning on coming up in Nov anyway they just made sure that their trip included this day. One thing we always try to do is have a plan B and don't expect them to bend over backwards and bow at our feet for letting them do us a favour.

Ask both sets of grandparents, ask a friend or other people at the activity but don't expect them to jump at it. I assume it's a drop off then pick up later situation. In which case I would get different people to do the drop off /pick up to reduce the burden.

It’s not your PIL fault that you live so far away and presumably chose to live close to your family.

i don’t thunk it’s fair to ask them to travel down then miss the start of the party . That’s basically like choosing your family over them in terms of them staying at your party .

you need to get someone else that is not at the party to help or pop yourself .

It is unreasonable to ask either grandparents.

Ideally find a parent of another child at the event to drip her back or dd misses her event.

Get another parent to help out.

I think your parents helping you so much has made you spoilt and entitled. I can't believe they do so much for you.

was genuinely excited at the prospect that PILs would actually do something to support their grandkids

From reading this it feels as though the enormous amount of help you receive from your own parents with looking after your children has skewed your perspective.

You’ve said that the in laws who live hundreds of miles away go on family days out with you all and occasionally take the children out without you. That doesn’t scream disinterested to me. Also, has it occurred to you that they may feel less confident in looking after your children given that they obviously can’t spend that much time with your kids due to living so far away?

Family help is a wonderful thing but I think you’re in the wrong to expect either set of grandparents to solve this problem for you in this instance.

I was genuinely excited at the prospect that PILs would actually do something to support their grandkids to play taxi drivers and miss the first hour of the party

^ Fixed it for you, OP.

If you want your DD to attend the earlier event, you can ask a friend who might have a child at the same event for a lift, or you/DH arrive late to your own party.
Or push the start time of your party back.

I’ve said YABU but only in the sense that you or your dp should collect. Leave the grandparents - all of them! - out of it. Your parents do way way too much and it’s skewed your perception of what’s normal. Your PIL shouldn’t have to do anything.

YABU!

So everyone’s coming to a party you have invited them to attend …. BUT the GPs have to miss out on 45 mins to collect your daughter ? You are having a laugh

I do think it’s really shocking your DH said “I’m sure a grandparent can” as a first resort.

Really shocking.

Your attitude is skewed but his sounds worse which is why I originally voted YANBU. But it shouldn’t be a grandparent at all.

Honestly, you shouldn't ask either grandparent, your parents already go above and beyond and it feels cheeky to invite his to an event and then send them out to run your errand. You allowed the double booking to happen, you deal with it.