So very sad, can't believe he has chosen her

[NewbieSM]

Sorry for the late long post, I am in Australia but don't really have many people to talk to about this and am feeling very low today.

I've just had a massive fight with my Dad about his wife's drinking problem and he essentially kicked me out of his house and told me to never come back.

Back story: My step mother is an alcoholic has been for 35 years, she made my childhood an absolute nightmare, physical and mental abuse, stealing money from me, destroying expensive items like phones, passports (multiple times) to stop me from visiting my mum overseas. She would get black out drunk almost everyday, pass out and piss the bed so when I got home from school my younger siblings and I would have to drag her down the hall in to the shower to clean her up. She was arrested 3 times for drunk driving, once with all us kids in the car, I remember all of us crying and me screaming at the police to leave her alone as he drove us and our car to police station. I was 11. My Dad is a classic conflict avoidant type personality and always brushed it under the rug, made excuses for her, stuck his head in the sand basically.

Fast forward to today, I get a call my from 17 year old half brother, he's really upset and nearly in tears, he's just logged into his online banking and his mum has wiped his account of all his savings from his part time job. She's stolen his atm card, just like she did to me multiple times 10 years ago.

I'm fuming, so I drive over there to comfort my brother and confront her and my Dad. DB is so so upset, he's been saving up for a car for nearly 2 years and she's gone and fucked it all up. I tell DB to get in my car while I talk to Dad, the stupid bitch is hiding out in her room so she doesn't have to face the music, typical. Dad was so dismissive of me, kept saying it's not her fault this is the disease, we need to support family blah blah blah I'll replace the money. That's just not good enough imo, he needs to kick her the fuck out, she needs rehab not enabling. I told him he is risking his relationship with all of his kids for a woman who doesn't deserve it and he needs to make the right choice. He blew up me, told to keep my nose out of it, who did I think I was to lecture him and issue ultimatums and I was "emotionally bankrupt". He told me to get out of his house and don't bother coming back.

I've taken my brother to my house and set him up in the spare room to cool off for a couple days, but I am so upset at how my Dad spoke to me. Even though I am a 30 year old woman I am still his first born child, I can't believe he has chosen her over me AGAIN. He had a second chance to do things differently with my two younger brothers but he hasn't learned and has now fucked up two more people's mental health. I'm so done with it all but I can't imagine a life without my Dad who I still love very much. What do I do now Mumsnet, how do I move on?

That's absolutely horrific @NewbieSM

I wish I had some wise words to help

Is there Al-anon family over there, who could support?

You were absolutely right to say what you did, and your brother is lucky to have you.

Your dad will have his reasons for siding with his wife. I’m not saying he’s right - he might be in a co-dependent relationship with your SM, he might love her beyond all reason, he might feel somehow responsible for her - who knows?

The point is, sadly we can’t control other people and make them behave the way we want them to, or the way they should. We can only control ourselves and the way we behave - and it sounds as if you are doing a great job at that.

It’s your dad’s loss. It sounds like he’s doing a great job of driving away all the people in his life who would be the greatest help to him. You told him things he didn’t want to hear and he blew up because he knows you’re right.

You might find that he’ll realise that and reach out one day, or he might not. Either way, I think you might need to distance yourself for your own sake. He’s only ever going to hurt and disappoint you while he’s still in denial about his wife’s condition and behaviour.

It sounds as if your brother is going to need some extra support long-term. Are you in a position to give that to him?

Thanks for replies @Tilllly and @LunaNorth

My brother is always welcome at my house, my husband agrees too, but I live quite far away from DBs school and his job so that makes it a bit tricky. I'm so worried about his mental state as he has adhd and anxiety and has really struggled at school, so him managing to work 25 hours a week and still pass his exams has been frankly a miracle. He's worked so hard to turn it around and if this rips him back to that place I will never forgive my Dad. Parents are supposed to protect their kids from harm, not welcome it into their lives and marry it! I so wish I had moved countries with my Mum and sister when I was younger, but ironically I didn't want my Dad to feel like both of his kids were abandoning him. Wrong choice and I think that makes it hurt even more because I was SO loyal to him, I was his confidant when he couldn't talk to any adults about the problems at home, I lied and covered it up to my Mum so she wouldn't fight for custody. I protected HIM and this is how he repays me. Feel so betrayed.

So sorry that you had to go through this as a child and watch your half-brothers go through it now. Your father has failed all of you, and that's not right, no wonder you feel so hurt. Have you had any counselling- it might help you to work out your feelings of betrayal by your dad, and get to a place where you can accept that he's not changing.

For your brothers, can social services get involved to support your brothers till they are through secondary education? It woukd be an awful lot for you to take on, but they really shouldn't have to go back home.

You're amazing to do what you did for your DB and change his narrative and his story which would have been so different had you not picked up the phone - had you not gone over. I know you say he's a way from his school there but is there anyway you can keep him ?

I am afraid your father has consistently chosen her and enabled her behaviour. He has done this over and over during the years. Anybody decent would have protected his children and tried to get help for her. I mean the drink driving with three children in the car is just appalling. She sounds despicable and I think it must be even worse for your half brother because she's his actual mother. He is lucky to have you. Can he stay with you permanently? I think the further you get from your father and stepmother the happier you and your brother will be.

I think your father should replace the money your stepmother stole. How did she get her hands on the card and the pin. Open a new bank account at a new bank which cannot be linked to the father and stepmothers' accounts. It may have to have you as trustee as he is a minor - you don't need to be a parent or draw up a trust deed as far as I know. Make sure he keeps the card safe and divulges it to nobody

I think you have to accept that your father is not going to change now. Whatever his wife does he likely feels she needs his support more than you do because you are a functioning and capable adult (despite your childhood). So don't make it a choice between you because you will be hurt. Focus on helping your half-brothers (and getting your father to pay back the stolen money). Your father has let you down but you need to protect yourself from further pain by not expecting him to side with you

Make your father give your brother his money today.

Then go to the police and press charges for theft.

I don't have the experience or training to know what's the 'right' answer, but looking in from the outside, my first reaction is to cut back all contact with your father. I'd take him at his word and stay away for at least a while.

Prioritise your own well-being and that of your siblings. Grieve for the version of your father that you wish he would have been, but leave him to live with his choices. He's refusing to see that it's not only his wife's alcoholism that has hurt his children, but also his own failure to protect and prioritise them when they've needed it most. There are consequences to that severity of failure as a parent.

Thank you everyone for your responses, it helps me feel less alone.

Yes I would take my brother in a heartbeat but I'm not sure if that's what he wants. He is angry at his Mum but he still loves her of course, so he feels very conflicted. My other brother is 19, so technically still lives there but isn't home much between work, hobbies and his girlfriend.

Honestly as horrible as it sounds sometimes I wish she would do us all a favour and just drink enough to kill herself. I know that's wrong to think that and I've never said it out loud but it's how I feel.

I don't want social services to get involved plus not sure they would do much as my brother is only a year shy of 18. I reckon that would be the final nail in the coffin of my relationship with my Dad if I did.

I would like to file a police report for the theft of money and fraudulent use of DBs bank card, but that's my DBs decision and he is understandably reluctant to go with the nuclear option. Bloody hell I wish I went to the police when she did this to me, but Dad convinced me not to, of course

I agree with others. Definitely put yourself first and then your siblings. Make sure your dad refunds the money and take steps to make the bank account safer.
It's easier said than done but I would consider going very low contact with df at this point.
He's not likely to realise what he's lost until he's actually lost something and has to deal with his drunken wife on his own.

Is there any kind of savings account you can open and share with your brother that would need both your signatures to remove anything from? Or just hold the money when it's repaid in an account in your name until he is 18?
I would spend some time giving advice to you brother of all the ways you learnt to protect yourself, especially financially.
It's so heartbreaking to tell a child he can never trust his mum.

Is it too late for you to file charges against her for everything she stole from you? Has she affected your credit score or commited any identity theft?

This is a good resource:

nacoa.org.uk/support-advice/for-young-people/

Can you not get the police involved, surely there must be something they can do?

I am so sorry for you and your brother. She is vile and so is your dad for enabling this all these years

Does he know that she stole your money years ago too? I hope you can persuade him in getting the police involved. She sounds vile and has never had any consequences for her disgusting behaviour.

I think it's too late to press charges for her (numerous) thefts of my property and money, plus my dad paid me back/replaced some of my stuff back then. But it's not really the value of the things that is the issue, it's the total disregard of our feelings and how this whole situation has made our lives hell.

She has three daughters (my step sisters) who she has done this to as well to varying degrees over the years but they have all moved out now and don't really speak to her much, although we all still meet up and have a great relationship. I've put a message in our sibling group chat to see if we can collectively come up with a solution.

Regarding the bank account, I believe my Dad is a signatory on the account so I've got no idea how she has managed to swipe nearly $3000. DB showed me the statement and it's shows multiple transactions for different retailers, some booze related but a lot at random places like a clothing store and Sephora. There are also 3 atm withdrawals so clearly she figured out the pin somehow. When she's pissed she goes shopping, or she used to when she had access to money and a job. Now she has no bank accounts, no license and no job. Dad has to treat her like a child, every time they do the food shop he has to hand over his card to her to pay for it and watch her the whole time and check the receipt.

As kids whenever we found her drunk, we would all go on the hunt for hidden booze and money. My step sister and I once found over 150 empty bottles of wine and cider thrown into the blackberry patch down the side of our house. We lined them up across our driveway so my Dad had to move them all to park the car after he finished work. He didn't even say anything to us about it that day.

She's beyond help, this woman is so deep in the grip of addiction that she has drunk bottles of vanilla essence to get her fix. We had to buy alcohol free mouthwash to stop her drinking that. She is honestly a broken person and so is my Dad too.

Good on you for taking your DB out of that situation, I wish my sister had done the same for me.

You have both grown up in an abusive household and you both need to heal.

Your stepmother will not get help or change until she hits rock bottom and needs to change. With your Dad supporting her this will never change and the situation will never get better. He is not helping the family by enabling her abuse.

You all need family therapy and she needs rehabilitation and to go to AA meetings.
Could you children get together and tell them you will go no contact and contact the police unless she gets help?
Tell him this is hurting everyone and it would be better if he got her help and some tough love?
Don't hide what is happening and inform wider family so the problem comes into the light and he has to deal with it?

Maybe post on the relationship board on the stately home thread for moral support and somewhere safe to vent. They have lots of great advice and can help with the rage and pain this situation has caused.

In your place I would offer a room to your Brother and tell him it's his safe space, if he needs to leave things at yours or stay with you more often, just leave the door open for him and let him vent to you, tell him you hear and understand him. Maybe give your Dad a few days to cool down and then try talking to him again.

I was typing a reply when your last post came through and honestly it’s heartbreaking. She won’t stop drinking until she chooses to try and I can’t believe how your father has enabled her and put her drinking over the welfare of his children.

I was going to suggest a letter to them both (hopefully read in a sober moment) to get your feelings out, but honestly after this long and with the depths your stepmum has sunk to, I’m not sure it will have any impact, especially with your father protecting her.

I’m honestly baffled by your father, she’s never going to reach rock bottom and change her ways while shielded from any consequences. I’m amazed she isn’t deeply ashamed by her behaviour once she sobers up. I know alcoholism is an illness and frankly it will kill her and your father could be left very alone as each of the children distance themselves more and more.

I echo pp in getting social services involved. Your brother may be entitled to benefits to allow him transport to and from school and some financial support for you if he stays with you? You sound like an awesome big sister and an absolute rock to him, which goodness knows he must need after his unstable upbringing by his parents. X

Brother should just report her to the police tbh. She'll sober up a little after the arrest

This is so awful, your poor brother. And you, all you kids growing up with that kind of addiction ruining your life’s. She clearly takes zero responsibility and no doubt her kids will all be low contact with her one day. Shame you couldn’t confront her yourself - she’s clearly too much of a coward for that. Well done for being a safe place for your brother, at least they both have you.

@Tilllly

AA (alcoholics anonymous) is fundamentally a cult where you have to believe in a 'higher power' to recover. So for a lot of alcoholics (myself included - I recovered by myself) it's not a suitable recovery route.

You say you love your father "of course" and that your half brother loves his mother "of course" but, actually, there is no "of course" about it.

Your father is a weak man who is partly responsible for putting his children through the living hell of living with an alcoholic parent. He doesn't deserve your love.

You all need to detach and spend little to no time with this toxic couple. That's very hard for the 17 year old but it would be great if you and your siblings could shelter him as much as possible until he's able to leave home.

I assume AA operates in Australia? If so their sister group Al-Anon gives very useful support to the families of alcoholics.

@NewbieSM
As a teenager (17) in a London bed sit, an older woman begged and pleaded with money for booze.
As a young person, stupidly I lent her enough for “ A drink”
Went to be repaid to her room
and my goodness… the sight will be seared into my memory for ever

The door was unlocked
She was unconscious in a urine soaked bed

The room stank of piss
Urine was dripping through the thin mattress onto the hard floor beneath where a lake of semi dried and added too urine had been there for months.

It was appalling.

Alcohol has scared me ever since.

Alcohol is one ofTHE worst drugs
So toxic and physically damaging to mind and body.

Your Dad sounds like her “enabler “.

Unless he and she can work together to get help - She needs to make that decision - nothing will ever Change.

I hope she has an epiphany- but unlikely.

Bloody government allows booze as it’s so heavily taxed.

The fact that your dad’s partner is drinking hand gel &c shows how serious her addiction is.

But a waste of time trying to get help unless SHE is ready to ask for it .

Your Dad is probably at his wits end.As are the rest of her family.

I'm so sorry Newbie, such an awful situation.

From what you have said, nothing will change, your Dad will always choose your SM over everyone else. As pp said, there is most likely some co-dependency, but it seems without a doubt and your dad is enabling her and this won't change.

I think it's a good idea to chat to you brother about laying a theft charge. Of course your dad isn't going to want this, but he's had multiple chances to be there for his children and hasn't. So just paying back the money isn't the point. He needs to see that you are all not going to also enable your sm behaviour either, and perhaps this is a clear sign of that.