So very sad, can't believe he has chosen her

[NewbieSM]

Sorry for the late long post, I am in Australia but don't really have many people to talk to about this and am feeling very low today.

I've just had a massive fight with my Dad about his wife's drinking problem and he essentially kicked me out of his house and told me to never come back.

Back story: My step mother is an alcoholic has been for 35 years, she made my childhood an absolute nightmare, physical and mental abuse, stealing money from me, destroying expensive items like phones, passports (multiple times) to stop me from visiting my mum overseas. She would get black out drunk almost everyday, pass out and piss the bed so when I got home from school my younger siblings and I would have to drag her down the hall in to the shower to clean her up. She was arrested 3 times for drunk driving, once with all us kids in the car, I remember all of us crying and me screaming at the police to leave her alone as he drove us and our car to police station. I was 11. My Dad is a classic conflict avoidant type personality and always brushed it under the rug, made excuses for her, stuck his head in the sand basically.

Fast forward to today, I get a call my from 17 year old half brother, he's really upset and nearly in tears, he's just logged into his online banking and his mum has wiped his account of all his savings from his part time job. She's stolen his atm card, just like she did to me multiple times 10 years ago.

I'm fuming, so I drive over there to comfort my brother and confront her and my Dad. DB is so so upset, he's been saving up for a car for nearly 2 years and she's gone and fucked it all up. I tell DB to get in my car while I talk to Dad, the stupid bitch is hiding out in her room so she doesn't have to face the music, typical. Dad was so dismissive of me, kept saying it's not her fault this is the disease, we need to support family blah blah blah I'll replace the money. That's just not good enough imo, he needs to kick her the fuck out, she needs rehab not enabling. I told him he is risking his relationship with all of his kids for a woman who doesn't deserve it and he needs to make the right choice. He blew up me, told to keep my nose out of it, who did I think I was to lecture him and issue ultimatums and I was "emotionally bankrupt". He told me to get out of his house and don't bother coming back.

I've taken my brother to my house and set him up in the spare room to cool off for a couple days, but I am so upset at how my Dad spoke to me. Even though I am a 30 year old woman I am still his first born child, I can't believe he has chosen her over me AGAIN. He had a second chance to do things differently with my two younger brothers but he hasn't learned and has now fucked up two more people's mental health. I'm so done with it all but I can't imagine a life without my Dad who I still love very much. What do I do now Mumsnet, how do I move on?

Great update! You sound a lovely family (apart from the obvious). Your brother is lucky to have such a strong group of people behind him.

Op that is one of the best updates I have read on here! (And I’ve been here a while under various nns.) I agree with you about Mumsnet too! When the chips are down the majority of people genuinely want to help.

You handled that conversation with your dad brilliantly and your db is lucky to have you and your dh in his life. You’ve drawn a good, fair boundary and now it’s over to your dad, who should have apologised to you by the way. He is enmeshed too deep and now will have to suffer the consequences.

The fact that your stepmother did the same thing to you a full decade ago and your dad hasn’t put his foot down to protect his dc in all of that time makes your dad very culpable in all of this. There is always a choice. So please don’t feel guilty. What on earth is he achieving by enabling your stepmother like this except her own destruction? That’s not love. Which begs the question, what on earth is in it for him; there must be some psychological payback for him?

Anyway he has driven his dc away and it’s a decision he will come to regret. Hopefully your actions will make him reflect and see the light but if not, you have been more than patient.

Good luck op to you, your dh and to your other siblings. You deserve to be happy.

Thanks for the update. It's good to hear that things are progressing so well (this being a relative term, under the circumstances). You, your siblings and your DH sound a fantastic bunch.
Just in case things turn nasty - and you do have to go to SS and the police - it might be worth writing everything down now whilst it's fresh in your minds so you have contemporaneous notes, if needed.

Good news. Well done!

Your DB is so lucky to have you and his other siblings to look out for him and support him, effectively playing the role of responsible parents, when his actual parents are both so spectacularly crap.

Thank you for the update. It is to your and your siblings's credit that you are so close and supportive of each other, truly amazing considering what you have all endured. It's so lovely to hear how you are all supporting your brother, including your DH. I can't help but think that now he knows just how much love and support he has, that your DB will continue to do well at his studies and work.

Good luck to you all.

She will be in a deep shame spiral. A close relative of mine, also an addict, once stole something very precious and valuable from me. I had left it with another close relative for safekeeping and they had found it and sold it. It was awful. For everyone. I will never forget the look in the eyes of the person who stole it. I almost forgave them there and then because of the abject shame and degradation in their eyes (I admit I am a bit of a pushover). But I had to ask for the money back. And got it. The money was no substitute for the object I had lost however. That was a long time ago. They have since cleaned up their act (forced to by a devastating illness brought on by the addiction) and they are a different person. Addiction is like being possessed.

By the way, you are doing brilliantly, op.

@NewbieSM

God bless you, you are a wonderful sister and a great example to your brother.

I agree 100% about only seeing your dad outside the house. If I may suggest, when you do see or speak to your dad, refuse to let him complain about her or discuss her in any way. When he starts you just say "Dad, I'm not going to discuss her with you. You know what you need to do." This was advice given to my DH by an alcohol counselor about my enabling my brother. DH was told that he should not offer any sympathy, advice, or provide a 'sounding board'. That I needed to really 'get' the destructiveness enabling was wreaking on my own life. I did get it and I stopped doing it. Tore me up at first, but I soon realized the weight that was off my shoulders once I told my brother he needed to sink or swim on his own and not to contact me until he was sober.

I think you and your siblings are so lovely for getting your little brother a car. If he does decide to move home he'll need to guard the keys with his life and if there is a spare set they should NOT be kept in the house. Same with his new bank card, he needs to guard it carefully and keep it hidden unless it's in his pocket. And I know this may sound silly, but he does have his phone password protected, right? God, that poor boy, imagine having to do all these things to protect himself from his own mother! And I doubt very much she's in a 'shame spiral'. If there is any shame involved, it's that she got caught, not that she did it in the first place.

Your DH is a gem. I know it may be a bit of a hassle with school runs right now, but I hope your brother stays put. Once he has a car, he'll be able to drive himself.