So very sad, can't believe he has chosen her

[NewbieSM]

Sorry for the late long post, I am in Australia but don't really have many people to talk to about this and am feeling very low today.

I've just had a massive fight with my Dad about his wife's drinking problem and he essentially kicked me out of his house and told me to never come back.

Back story: My step mother is an alcoholic has been for 35 years, she made my childhood an absolute nightmare, physical and mental abuse, stealing money from me, destroying expensive items like phones, passports (multiple times) to stop me from visiting my mum overseas. She would get black out drunk almost everyday, pass out and piss the bed so when I got home from school my younger siblings and I would have to drag her down the hall in to the shower to clean her up. She was arrested 3 times for drunk driving, once with all us kids in the car, I remember all of us crying and me screaming at the police to leave her alone as he drove us and our car to police station. I was 11. My Dad is a classic conflict avoidant type personality and always brushed it under the rug, made excuses for her, stuck his head in the sand basically.

Fast forward to today, I get a call my from 17 year old half brother, he's really upset and nearly in tears, he's just logged into his online banking and his mum has wiped his account of all his savings from his part time job. She's stolen his atm card, just like she did to me multiple times 10 years ago.

I'm fuming, so I drive over there to comfort my brother and confront her and my Dad. DB is so so upset, he's been saving up for a car for nearly 2 years and she's gone and fucked it all up. I tell DB to get in my car while I talk to Dad, the stupid bitch is hiding out in her room so she doesn't have to face the music, typical. Dad was so dismissive of me, kept saying it's not her fault this is the disease, we need to support family blah blah blah I'll replace the money. That's just not good enough imo, he needs to kick her the fuck out, she needs rehab not enabling. I told him he is risking his relationship with all of his kids for a woman who doesn't deserve it and he needs to make the right choice. He blew up me, told to keep my nose out of it, who did I think I was to lecture him and issue ultimatums and I was "emotionally bankrupt". He told me to get out of his house and don't bother coming back.

I've taken my brother to my house and set him up in the spare room to cool off for a couple days, but I am so upset at how my Dad spoke to me. Even though I am a 30 year old woman I am still his first born child, I can't believe he has chosen her over me AGAIN. He had a second chance to do things differently with my two younger brothers but he hasn't learned and has now fucked up two more people's mental health. I'm so done with it all but I can't imagine a life without my Dad who I still love very much. What do I do now Mumsnet, how do I move on?

Keep your brothers - move their schools. I’m be the best thing for you and them even if tough and not to the plan. You can be a proper family.

I think it is time to go nuclear.
The youngest DC is coming up 18 y.o. It's hardly worth going nuclear now.

Do the best for youngest DBro to help launch him into adult life; leave father and mother/step-mother to fend for themselves.

It sounds like you took on the role of parent as a child,.to your dad. This would have been a survival technique in order to get love.
However your relationship was never a proper parental one and the relationship you have with him now is probably mostly you holding on to him for fear of abandonment.
He already abandoned you a long time ago.
It's time to let him go. Maybe stop holding onto what you think of as your relationship to him.
Set your boundaries and priorities. Seek therapy and counselling.
This can't be done alone.

I think this about sums it up OP.

I’m sorry about the situation. It sounds complicated and I understand the hurt of him “ choosing” her but at this point I don’t think it’s because she is so heavenly 😇. There’s something far more complex - probably guilt that he hasn’t been able to stop her reducing herself to this pitiful state. He is probably able to be tougher on you because he knows you are more altogether . That doesn’t make it fair but I hope it maybe makes it a little less hurtful to see it that way.

Reminds me of my childhood!

Who is the signor? Did she steal his card? Call the police. Call the bank.

middle finger to her!!!!
he’s clearly going to need that money.

I'm so sorry for this awful situation affecting you and your siblings, OP. From the sound of her - and the fact that your Dad is enabling her behaviour - she wouldn't co-operate with any agencies who help alcoholics (not sure what you might have in Australia), so I'd guess this would be a waste of time.

I think the poster above who spoke about a co-dependent relationship might be spot on. Why the hell does your Dad think this is acceptable behaviour and that her needing support for alcoholism trumps your brother being entitled to not have his savings stolen? It's foul - and I hope your brother has been to the police to report the theft? If not, he should do so asap. Edited to say: and in future your brother should put his money in an account she doesn't know about and keep all access to it away from her thieving paws.

Does she take Dad's money and spend it on drink too or does she just nick her stepchildren's? She sounds a right piece of work and I would put as much distance between you as you can, for your own sanity, as you never know what she'll do next. She certainly proves the saying 'you can choose your friends, but you're stuck with your family'. Sadly, unless your Dad wakes up and smells the coffee, she'll continue to try to get away with her outrageous actions and make everyone else suffer. Is there anyone else in the family you could talk to?

I think it's time to accept that your step Mum isn't the only person who abused you as a child, OP. Your Dad has stood by and allowed her to abuse all of his children over many years. That in itself is also abuse.

He has protected her over all of you and facilitated her cruelty and neglect knowingly. You would be well within your rights to cut both of them out of your life and concentrate on your siblings.

I'm so sorry you've been through all of that. If there are other siblings in the house of a younger age, I would seriously consider reporting them to SS. It's dreadful that no adults in your life did the same for you.

Well done for standing up for your brother, OP.

It sounds like a lot was said in the heat of the moment. Give it time for everyone to cool off and then see where you're at. I'd be surprised if your dad doesn't reach out to you. Maybe this argument was needed for him to do something about the situation? I'm sorry you've had to go through all this

Who is the signor? Did she steal his card? Call the police. Call the bank.

Also agree that this needs to happen.

She is a thief, drunk or not. I'd be encouraging DB to report it.

I'm so sorry.

He didn't protect you or put you first when you were a child and being abused. There was never any way he was going to be any different with your brother or put you first now.

All you can do is walk away from him to protect yourself. He does not deserve a place in your life. He let your stepmother abuse you. He did that. He's not worthy of a moment more of your life.

OP, what a fab big sister you are. Sadly there are reasons why some people are NC with their parents. I honestly believe you at least need to take a break from your dad, if nothing else, you’ll see whether he’ll reach out to you.
No matter what happens from here, as long as you support your siblings, you’ve done a great job, imho.

I’m sorry this happened and keeps happening, but children should not have to be their parents emotional punching bags. It was tough to read and while I have no massively enlightening advice, I wanted to tell you, that I wish you all the best.

I’d pause, OP, before involving police, social services etc. Thats not to say posters are wrong that they might be interested, but this is about as smooth a moving forward for you and your siblings as possible. Just let the dust settle a bit before taking any action. Give yourself time and don’t act in anger. Escalating things isn’t always the best answer. If your Dad pays back your DB that might change your feelings to a point.

I don't really have an advice but I just want to say that you are an amazing big sister. He's lucky to have you, your husband and siblings. X

I'm.with you on this one. However you cannot force someone to leave a marriage if they don't want to. It's like someone saying you need to kick your husband out now?

Personally I don’t think u made the wrong choice in staying in the country but hindsight does that and makes u start to question. However u cannot tell someone how to manage their relationship no matter how wrong or it could kill them, u either support (challenging) or move away for yr own mental wellbeing. Relationships are meant to be easy but the most complicated. If you can find a way to manage the distance for yr brother I would say work on that so that he can thrive and stay from ur dad for a few years, he will come looking for u when he is ready and most likely apologetic. Be patient as much as it seems he is enabling it must be hard for him too. Time is a great healer and I hope one day u will be a happy family. sometimes u need to be apart with absolutely no contact for a few years to allow growth or a dramatic event to make things better. All the best

Sometimes enablers engage in enabling behaviors to control the other person. If she went to rehab, got well, she may not remain with him. That is scary for a lot of people. You see this in a lot of shows and documentaries about addiction. So many times, as the addict starts to recover and starts to become more healthy-the enabler/s in their life start to panic.

Your father is the most guilty in this scenario as far as i can see. He has stood by and watched all of you being abused and treated appauling over the years and hes done absolutley nothing to protect his children against someone who has a disease and in some respects does not have any control (this does not mean i in anyway condone any of the SM behaviour, especially the drink driving with kids in the car that is beyond horrific). Basically your SM will never get help because your dad has shown her that she can do whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and he will always cover her tracks and fight her corner. He will never make her face the consequences of her actions so it will never end. Its a vicious circle unfortunately and none of you deserve to be caught up in it. In your shoes i would be washing your hands of both of them and focusing on your siblings. Im sorry youv had to go through all of this! Does your mum know everything now? And does your mums other daughter have a relationship with your dad?

Congratulations op to be able to make a success of your life, you and your siblings deserve happiness and if you need to, don't feel guilty cutting your DF out of your life. Your story is very sad and well done for helping your little brother which l am sure needs all the help he can get.

@NewbieSM

I know you are all right. It's easy to say just cut him off, but my Dad really isn't all bad.

No, he's not 'bad'. But he's an enabler. And what you are doing is 'enabling the enabler'. By not 'changing the relationship dynamic' with your dad what you are saying (in his mind) is that 'it's not that bad' or 'it's ok because it's a disease'. If you 'enable the enabler' nothing will ever change. If you 'enable the enabler' the alcoholic will continue to be like a tornado, tearing through your family's lives leaving destruction and devastation in her path. I agree with others saying to contact your local Al-Anon chapter. They will be more help than you can realize right now.

https://al-anon.org.au/

As far as AA being a 'cult' (as a PP remarked), no it's not. It's a proven organization that has kept countless numbers of alcoholics sober for decades. Yes, they believe in a 'higher power' but that higher power is not specifically 'God' as religions normally think of a higher power. This is what they say; "In Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), the concept of a “Higher Power” can be interpreted as anything that is greater than oneself. While some members may choose to interpret this as God or a divine presence; others may choose to find their Higher Power in the AA group itself, nature, or the universe".

My brother is 'my alcoholic', now sober 9 years. He didn't find AA to his 'taste', but he did find another organization that worked for him called Life Ring. I believe they have a 'family and friends' group but I'm not sure.

https://lifering.org/f2f-meetings/international-meetings/australia/

I was the enabler with my DB. And there came a time when my DH stopped enabling me. This forced me to look at the enabling I was doing in a new light. I saw that I was 'endangering' my own marriage and affecting my adult children. I had to stop enabling my DB and I did. It was hard and it was painful but it worked and my brother sought the help he needed. I believe that chances are if my wonderful DH hadn't put his foot down with me my DB would still be drinking and I'd still be enabling him.

As far as your little brother goes, does he have any friends whose parents might let him stay with them until he leaves school? We did this for a friend of DS1's when his family moved near the end of the school year. If not and he doesn't want to move in with you, all you can do is support him emotionally as best you can and help him safeguard himself and his possessions.

I'm so sorry for you, but very pleased that your brother has you in his life.

I think you have to come to terms with the fact that your Dad has chosen her since you were 11 and that is never going to change.

In my case it was my stepfather who was the alcoholic and there was abuse, both verbal and sexual involved too. It took being pregnant to cut him out of my life and that was when I realised Mum would always choose him over us.

I am still in contact with Mum, albeit not close and haven't seen her for several years. I will never truly forgive her or understand her choices, but I have my own life to live so try to concentrate on things I can change and control.

He won't change, nor will she, but you control your relationships with your siblings.

By being the amazing compassionate big sister you already are. You sound like you have each other, get some talking support. Bloody horrible when parents cut you off but I send my best. You will both do this. Ps report police sounds a good idea. Theft is theft. Being spineless afraid is not. BW

Was married to an alcoholic who nearly bankrupted me. I used to hope he’d drink himself to death too, OP, so don't feel bad for thinking that. It is hard and seems to try to destroy every bit of your life.
Practically can you and DB find a bank account where the account details aren’t on the card, they’re held in the App. ( Chase bank is one that does this)
You should also be able to set up alerts so every transaction comes through to your phone. Mine are pretty much instant. If anything looks dodgy you can freeze the card using the app.
I don’t know if it will help to direct your dad to alcohol support organisations. It was only when I went to one I learnt about enabling. It made me see through his manipulative ways and just how much I was doing to hide his drinking from everyone. Led to me leaving and having a much better life.

Hope things work out for you and your siblings.

OP, I’m so incredibly sorry you’ve had to go through this. My son’s dad was an alcoholic and it is horrendous to live with isn’t it. I have to say that
if your dad has been her enabler for all this time, he’s simply not going to change. Same with the step mum.
My ex (my sons dad) died almost 2 years ago from a health issue related to his alcoholism and as heartbreaking as it was my sons, it’s made their lives a lot more stable and ultimately they are safe. My exes mum was a know enabler too and would constantly lie for her son, even at the detriment of my sons, her grandsons. You literally cannot help some people and you and your poor brothers deserve so much more than to be put second after an alcoholic mess of a step mum. I’d struggle to have a relationship with someone who I ultimately don’t respect due to his awful decisions and how he’s treated you. I’d absolutely go no contact. You’re 30 and maybe planning on children? Do you really want to bring children into that awfully toxic situation. Please don’t. Can I just say you sound like a fantastic big sister.

I have yet to deal with the nightmare of alcoholic relatives in the thick of it.

(Technically my husband is an alcoholic but he's been sober for 20 years way back before he met me. We don't drink in our home. He fears the smell alone would cause him to relapse.)

However I have dealt with relatives that I love making terrible decisions in the name of love and burning bridges all around them. This is what I recommend.

Your dad. You love him and still clearly want and need him in your life. So I recommend going low contact. Only visit him on major holidays. Send him cards maybe but stay out of his way.

Support your siblings.

If your dad did this to both you and your brothers I can guarantee they will continue burning bridges.

He and his wife will eventually burn all the bridges to the point that the only person she has left to burn is your dad. And it sounds harsh but let it play out. You've tried to reason with him. He won't listen. So let him cope with it. He needs to learn this hard lesson through life experience.

The time will come that he will need you again when she finally burns him so bad that she becomes irredeemable in his eyes. Who knows what it will be? Maybe she do something crazy like sell the house or the car or start sleeping with people for money. Maybe she will run up all his credit cards or get alcohol poisoning 30 times and scared the life of of him. But she will cross that line. It's just a matter of getting out of their way and letting the events play out.

When that happens your dad will come around. Try not to be smug about it because the last thing he will need to hear I imagine is "I told you so."

I'm sorry your family is going through this. Good luck.

This is heartbreaking. Your dad is clearly totally delusional if he thinks her appalling behaviour can carry on around her children, and you.
I hope your siblings can get out of there, it does not sound safe at all. I am so sorry that I can't really give much advice but I feel for you. Your dad and his wife may well be a lost cause, but you can help your brothers.