So very sad, can't believe he has chosen her

[NewbieSM]

Sorry for the late long post, I am in Australia but don't really have many people to talk to about this and am feeling very low today.

I've just had a massive fight with my Dad about his wife's drinking problem and he essentially kicked me out of his house and told me to never come back.

Back story: My step mother is an alcoholic has been for 35 years, she made my childhood an absolute nightmare, physical and mental abuse, stealing money from me, destroying expensive items like phones, passports (multiple times) to stop me from visiting my mum overseas. She would get black out drunk almost everyday, pass out and piss the bed so when I got home from school my younger siblings and I would have to drag her down the hall in to the shower to clean her up. She was arrested 3 times for drunk driving, once with all us kids in the car, I remember all of us crying and me screaming at the police to leave her alone as he drove us and our car to police station. I was 11. My Dad is a classic conflict avoidant type personality and always brushed it under the rug, made excuses for her, stuck his head in the sand basically.

Fast forward to today, I get a call my from 17 year old half brother, he's really upset and nearly in tears, he's just logged into his online banking and his mum has wiped his account of all his savings from his part time job. She's stolen his atm card, just like she did to me multiple times 10 years ago.

I'm fuming, so I drive over there to comfort my brother and confront her and my Dad. DB is so so upset, he's been saving up for a car for nearly 2 years and she's gone and fucked it all up. I tell DB to get in my car while I talk to Dad, the stupid bitch is hiding out in her room so she doesn't have to face the music, typical. Dad was so dismissive of me, kept saying it's not her fault this is the disease, we need to support family blah blah blah I'll replace the money. That's just not good enough imo, he needs to kick her the fuck out, she needs rehab not enabling. I told him he is risking his relationship with all of his kids for a woman who doesn't deserve it and he needs to make the right choice. He blew up me, told to keep my nose out of it, who did I think I was to lecture him and issue ultimatums and I was "emotionally bankrupt". He told me to get out of his house and don't bother coming back.

I've taken my brother to my house and set him up in the spare room to cool off for a couple days, but I am so upset at how my Dad spoke to me. Even though I am a 30 year old woman I am still his first born child, I can't believe he has chosen her over me AGAIN. He had a second chance to do things differently with my two younger brothers but he hasn't learned and has now fucked up two more people's mental health. I'm so done with it all but I can't imagine a life without my Dad who I still love very much. What do I do now Mumsnet, how do I move on?

I am sorry your dad is such a shit dad. He is weak and has completely failed to protect his children. You need to find your anger, it'll help you step back a bit and detach from the situation which you need to do for your own mental health.

My FIL was an alcoholic. He and his wife completely fucked up their children, one of whom is my DH and is still dealing with the trauma of what he had to deal with while growing up. When FIL died aged 58 DH cried his heart out and said he wasn't crying because he was sad his dad was dead, he was crying because his overwhelming feeling was relief. He was crying for the dad he wished he'd had.

Your dad is enabling his wife and is totally enmeshed in her alcoholism. If she's drinking to that level is is unsustainable and bluntly, she won't be living to a ripe old age. Your dad will not truly understand what he's lost until it's already gone but I think you need to take a huge step back from him and just focus on your siblings. You're going to need to take care of one another both now and in the future. ❤️

Your father needs consequences just as much as step mum. You’re currently enabling an enabler. Your loyal support allows him to continue supporting SM.

Take a break from him.

Sounds awful - I wish you luck in distancing yourself from your Dad & making peace with him choosing his wife over his children.

You are certainly not ''morally bankrupt''.

I know it may feel like breaking the unwritten rules in your family but I would think about getting the police involved this time if only to show your father that the rest of the world won't collude with viewing this situation how he chooses, no, INSISTS, that you view it. He doesn't have that option. You can't make him see things clearly but he cannot make you collude with his denial.

I have to agree.

OP, you say your dad isn’t a bad person but he has enabled with woman to behave like this. She, with his support, has abused all the children.

He is not going to change so you need to accept that and decide if you are going to have a relationship with him. You and your siblings deserve better.

I wish you all the best but you.

I so feel for you and your brother. My mother was a raging alcoholic, stealing from me, whenever I had money saved, she'd take it and spend it on booze. I tried everything, pouring away the alcohol, banning it from the house, nothing ever worked. It got worse after my dad died.

She's been dead for 25 years and only now can I see why she turned out that way as well as the reasons behind her addiction.

Please stand by your brother, hopefully the rest of your siblings will help, too.

I think your dad sounds amazing. Your stepmom will be mortified that her compulsion drove her to this behaviour. Having had alcoholics in my own family I thank God that I am not one as it has go t to be one of the worst conditions to be afflicted by. Living hell for you and everyone who knows you. However I am not sure that I hold with the old rhetoric about how helping or supporting an alcoholic is enabling them - your dad will know his limits.

it is terrible all round really and I totally get your anger on your poor DBs behalf and your own wounds that she caused. I hope your dad stands by his word and repays the money.

Is there a reason why you’re still in contact with this poor excuse for a father OP? There must be. He sounds terrible.

I want to send you a massive hug and to say how lucky you brother is to have you and frankly your father is a disgrace .

Ah op, I'm so sorry you and your siblings have had to go through this. I get that alcoholism is a horrific disease but the fall out and trauma it can cause is heartbreaking.

You can't control your dad's decision unfortunately, you might be able to see that your lives would all be better without having to deal with the chaos she brings with her, but he loves her, he's clearly been at this with her for a long time and my guess is that he's emotionally beaten down and just so deep in trying to manage her on the most basic level that he doesn't have the headspace to think bigger including thinking about leaving. Either that or he really does see it as an illness and feels its his duty as her husband to try to stand by her. Not saying any of that is right or wrong but ultimately I guess that's his choice to make. I would go for therapy just for yourself to help you process that because it's a very hard thing to accept and of course it hurts and must trigger old painful memories from your childhood when she does things like this. You deserve support. I would ring social services. It might be the last chance your dB might have to get support and they might be able to get him into supported accommodation, help with his mental health, a support worker and talk seriously to your dad about the impact of this on him. Once he's 18 that window will be closed completely so I would act now because they'll have a duty of care for him right up to his birthday. Your dB also deserves to know his rights and that he can go to the police if he wants to re:theft.

I'm sorry op I can't imagine how painful all of this is. I'm so glad your dB has you for support.

@NewbieSM Our thoughts are with you, you're a good sister.

Addicts will do anything to try to recreate the 'happy buzz' that started their addiction. It seems that they don't or won't recognise like the rest of us that indulgence 24/7 is just as mundane as abstinence. Those that have damaged my life felt plenty of self-pity at different times but no sympathy for those they harmed.

It would be easy to suggest that you take advice from those who have cleaned up their act (well done to you all), I'm sure they're sincere, but I'm not sure how much is their desire to give their former selves a big kick up the bum.

A final thing I'd mention is, if you go to the police, what will the consequences be if they do nothing - deem it a family matter with the money replaced - will this make her behaviour worse.

Good luck, you have handled more than most people your age have had to. Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good - you've already proved yourself very, very good.

I'm 100% sure OP's dad has been saying this bullshit for the last 20 years ... to his CHILDREN who had to grow up watching this shit show of a woman.

No, the OP does NOT need to cut her dad some slack. He has let his children down massively by not getting them out of there.

Think I'd have to limit contact with your dad and go no contact with the woman. And try and take your siblings away with you. It sounds like a very toxic situation and I am so sorry thst you're dealing with all this trauma all this time.

Alcoholism is not a disease, it’s a lifestyle choice.

No one becomes an alcoholic overnight, it’s something you have to work at. One drink won’t make a person an alcoholic, it takes many drinks before it becomes an addiction.

How many alcoholics claim they were held down and force-fed alcohol against their will? None.

People only become addicted to things they enjoy. When was the last time you heard of someone addicted to completing tax returns or cleaning out drains? Unless there’s a positive pleasure feedback to the brain, the individual is very unlikely to become addicted to the action or substance, because repeatedly doing something that they actively dislike or hate is an anathema to most people.

Alcohol can turn into a physical addiction which ends up beyond their control, but unless the addict had decided to try their substance of choice in the first place and then to return and try it again and again and again, they could not possibly have become addicted to it.

Calling alcoholism a disease removes agency from the addict, it gives them a free pass to elicit sympathy and pity. They put themselves in this situation. Only they can decide to remove themselves from it.

Alcoholism isn’t cancer, it doesn’t happen at random and without input from the affected person.

Family members who enable the behaviour of an alcoholic should not be considered victims, they choose what they do. The victims of an alcoholic are those who have to suffer the consequences of the behaviour of both the alcoholic and the enabler.

Your father isn’t a victim of your step-mother. You and your siblings are. But you are also a victim of your father’s refusal to walk away and provide a safe environment for his children.

Alcoholics destroy themselves and everyone around them.

Don't let that happen to your brother.

The way to move on is have clear boundaries, don't ever give him any money or trust him with anything money related, and have any meetings be entirely on your terms. (Yes, this is from experience - not the same as yours but from having a dad who was not trustworthy with money for other reasons). And support your siblings (emotionally) if you can and advise them to do the same thing.

Your half brother could go to the police if he wanted, but probably not a great idea if he still needs to live there. I'd wonder how she had the password for his bank account though.

Hi, im really sorry that you are going through this. It sounds awful and reminds me of my family a lot so i appreciate how all consuming these situations can become. Ive not read many of the posts but i wanted to suggest that you consider looking in to attending al anon and researching co-dependency. Al anon is not alchoholics anonymous it is for family members of alchoholics and will help you recognise and cope with relationships with co-dependents also. It sounds like your dad is very much a co-dependent. Alchoholics and co-dependents are drawn to one another and enable each another. There are people and articles out there that are much better placed to understand it than me but i urge you to read up on co-dependency.

It must be a very difficult situation to navigate as you wish to preserve your relationship with your father and yet must feel such a sense of injustice for all that has happened to you and your brothers because of his wife.
You used the word enabling, which I feel is very fitting in these circumstances. Your father has certainly enabled for her behavior to carry on at the detriment of all of you, surely him included. It is right that you now break this cycle by stopping to enable him so he can continue enable her. I guess there must be a great deal of shame for him and her in between and around them, hence the request to keep protecting the family. It must be hard for you as it is against everything you have done so far, but I feel it is right you respond in a way that is true and authentic of how you feel. The same cycle will keep repeating if everyone keeps silent.

Your siblings and you sound amazing. All loving and caring about each other. I'm glad you all turned out good eggs

Oh OP. Your brother is lucky to have you. Well done for stepping up.

Eventually your step mother will drink herself to death.

Protect yourself and your siblings. I’m afraid your dad has to look after himself. Tough I know, but he chose this life. You didn’t.

Hi op - please look up adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. Your brother may find it helpful too. I was brought up in an abusive alcoholic home and the damage is profound. Your father has failed you and he is co-dependent and an enabler. Sending you and your brother a hug. 🌺
hopefully your brother is going to go to university and get away from them. No contact would be best for you all.

Some people use awful friends or partners to act out against the world, so they can pretend they are nice. I think your Dad must be one of them because he has enabled that woman to steal from both of his children, and no normal parent does that.
In your shoes I'd go to the police.

Hopefully dad will pay the money back. I’m sure he will want to meet you half way so give it a few days to settle down. Apologise for how you said it, rather than what you said and assure him you love him and want a relationship. Acknowledge that he won’t leave his wife and focus on your relationship, without condoning his wife’s behaviour.

If he’s not left her yet, he won’t now. You don’t have to like the situation but you can still love him. He does need to accept the fact that it isn’t a great situation for you and your siblings though

She’s an addict. She needs treatment. Or she will die or worse kill someone in a traffic accident. DUI with kids in the car? she’s lucky she wasn’t sent to prison. Even that won’t get her clean. Tragic for the whole family.

OP you must move forward to get on in life. I know it’s hard but there’s no real option xx

This. Do this.