So very sad, can't believe he has chosen her

[NewbieSM]

Sorry for the late long post, I am in Australia but don't really have many people to talk to about this and am feeling very low today.

I've just had a massive fight with my Dad about his wife's drinking problem and he essentially kicked me out of his house and told me to never come back.

Back story: My step mother is an alcoholic has been for 35 years, she made my childhood an absolute nightmare, physical and mental abuse, stealing money from me, destroying expensive items like phones, passports (multiple times) to stop me from visiting my mum overseas. She would get black out drunk almost everyday, pass out and piss the bed so when I got home from school my younger siblings and I would have to drag her down the hall in to the shower to clean her up. She was arrested 3 times for drunk driving, once with all us kids in the car, I remember all of us crying and me screaming at the police to leave her alone as he drove us and our car to police station. I was 11. My Dad is a classic conflict avoidant type personality and always brushed it under the rug, made excuses for her, stuck his head in the sand basically.

Fast forward to today, I get a call my from 17 year old half brother, he's really upset and nearly in tears, he's just logged into his online banking and his mum has wiped his account of all his savings from his part time job. She's stolen his atm card, just like she did to me multiple times 10 years ago.

I'm fuming, so I drive over there to comfort my brother and confront her and my Dad. DB is so so upset, he's been saving up for a car for nearly 2 years and she's gone and fucked it all up. I tell DB to get in my car while I talk to Dad, the stupid bitch is hiding out in her room so she doesn't have to face the music, typical. Dad was so dismissive of me, kept saying it's not her fault this is the disease, we need to support family blah blah blah I'll replace the money. That's just not good enough imo, he needs to kick her the fuck out, she needs rehab not enabling. I told him he is risking his relationship with all of his kids for a woman who doesn't deserve it and he needs to make the right choice. He blew up me, told to keep my nose out of it, who did I think I was to lecture him and issue ultimatums and I was "emotionally bankrupt". He told me to get out of his house and don't bother coming back.

I've taken my brother to my house and set him up in the spare room to cool off for a couple days, but I am so upset at how my Dad spoke to me. Even though I am a 30 year old woman I am still his first born child, I can't believe he has chosen her over me AGAIN. He had a second chance to do things differently with my two younger brothers but he hasn't learned and has now fucked up two more people's mental health. I'm so done with it all but I can't imagine a life without my Dad who I still love very much. What do I do now Mumsnet, how do I move on?

OP, I just wanted to say that I totally relate to the parentifiction thing and how it feels like a privilege. For me, that took a good while to unpick but once I saw it, there was no going back.

and your brother is so lucky to have you. You are amazing.

I don’t think the law will be very different in Australia but speak with your brother and have him call the police , if it’s a stolen card the bank will refund his money . Personally o would do this , if she hits rock bottom maybe you are actually helping her too

Tell brother to report to the police and bank, citing fraud. He may be able to get his money back.

God I cannot stand alcoholics! They're selfish, vicious and would sell their own kidney for a bottle of wine! Oh, and steal from their own kids apparently!

Your DB MUST go to the police, as this woman cannot continue to behave in such an appalling way! Your dad will clearly not change, so fuck em tbh. I'd be having nothing to do with either of them and I'd be straight to the police for theft!

You and your siblings should take out life insurance policies on sm. She is killing herself. With the life insurance, you can recoup some of what she took from you.

Get your brother to go to police that is a crime she committed. And your a dad is an accomplice.

Is this a sick joke? Oh yes, of course you can take out life insurance policies and not declare that the person is an alcoholic - insurance companies NEVER ask about any medical conditions or other factors, do they? Would it even be legal to take out such a policy? 🙄

And of course the insurance would pay out if anything happened, wouldn't they? (Not) 🙄

There are fairies at the bottom of the garden....

I think your father is beyond help, but your little brother..... Maybe it helps you to decide what to do now if you think back at yourself at 17, and what you would have wanted your big sister to do ❤️‍🩹 Help him get a new bankaccount with extra protection might be a start? Yes that might involve talking to your bankmanager, but they are under secrecy. Getting your brother a car so he doesn't depend on anyone if he needs to get away might help too. Are any social services involved yet?

I am so sorry to read about your situation. Please take your brother and give him a safe place to call home, I think you will do this anyway from what I have read. Your father is enabling her behaviour, of that it is certain, and until he chooses to stop nothing will change. It is not in your hands but it is your right to walk away and distance yourself and your family from this toxic behaviour. Whatever the cause of his enabling her, be it misplaced love, guilt or whatever, he should be protecting his children first and foremost. If this is not so, and appears to be long term, you all have the right to walk away if they both refuse to address the matter. It seems that you all still love your dad but this may not be helping if in the process she is being allowed to get away with it. Be strong, let him know that you will be there for him if he addresses the situation, and shows that he is doing so, no matter how difficult for him, he is an adult.

100000% you did the right thing. Some people
are beyond help. She’s one of them, and she dragging your dad down with her- but he’s a big boy, he’s making his own choices and IMO NOTHING should come before your kids even when they are older. You deserve more. I know you love him- but leave it be now, one day he wil
reflect on what he’s lost and the chances he had, but you need to be happy and having he second pick you like this always will leave you unhappy and unstable. Don’t contact him- focus on your siblings, and avoid a relationship with him until he sees he’s wrong and is willing to right it!

@ExasperatedDancer I don't agree with your statement about people only becoming addicted to something they enjoy.
Age 13 I hated the taste of alcohol and the drugs tbh but they kept me away from reality.
I'm 10 years sober now.
@NewbieSM you are strong woman.
You and your siblings sound great, support each other.
Don't have regrets about staying, you wouldn't be there for your brother now if you'd gone to the UK.
If AlAnon or another family/friends alcohol resource doesn't suit, I really would suggest therapy. Definitely some therapy for your brother/s too.
💐 for you

@ExasperatedDancer 100%! Agree

Makes me so cross when people say it's a disease ..

It's literally a choice !

My dad was an alcoholic .. I watched it happen !

I do not drink at all because of this ..

You need to distance yourself from your Dad and your stepmom. It is never going to stop.
your brother needs your help. Maybe together you can make a life.
I understand you love your Dad. Hopefully you could meet him outside your family home.
it is terrible to have no one to confide in. Good luck.

@IfYouCouldSeeWhatICanSee

”I don't agree with your statement about people only becoming addicted to something they enjoy.
Age 13 I hated the taste of alcohol and the drugs tbh but they kept me away from reality.
I'm 10 years sober now.”

You may have disliked the taste initially, but…

You chose to take a second drink, then a third, fourth, fifth…

Why?
Because you liked the effect of the alcohol.

As I said, people don’t get addicted to things they hate.

Op I'm so sorry he has let you down your an amazing big sister

Police?

@ExasperatedDancer did you read the bit where it says I was 13?
You have no clue what my situation was.
Fuck off with your judgements

How are you now @NewbieSM ?
Did your brother get his money returned and is he doing ok?
Hoping you managed to open your brother a bank account of his own.
Your dad is indeed enabling and encouraging step mum to behave this way…. She has no consequences for her appalling behaviour, he simply refunds/pays for her thefts and pretends it didn’t happen…. He needs to be careful!!…. One day he’ll wake up very lonely, having banned all his kids from his life and she’s drunk herself to death!!
I’m pleased you and your siblings have each others back… sending hugs and hope you and DB are both good

Having worked with addicts …
it’s not about ‘liking it’…..
some people self medicate… so they may not like the taste BUT it stops the voices/dark thoughts etc… numbs the pain of an abusive past, or may be a form of self harm/loathing! Not to mention those born addicted… also some people drink to fit in, don't actually like it but everyone else is so they feel peer pressure…
once addicted it’s not about whether they liked it or not, it becomes solely a need… a physical yearning and actually
it physically hurts not to have it…. We had a client once describe going ‘cold Turkey’ from drugs…. He said it literally felt like there was another human inside him trying to tear their way out, every ounce of his body hurt.
We supported so many people.. it was the most diverse client group I’ve ever worked with …. From well educated people, to very vulnerable people who spent their whole lives being passed around in the care/foster system, mental health sufferers who just wanted the mental tour meant to go away…. People
whose habit started just because their high pressure career was too much so they took ‘a little something’ to help keep them awake … or someone taking speed to help them loose weight….
There are so many reasons people misuse substances, pleasure doesn’t always come into it at all.

You chose to drink alcohol at 13.

You could have chosen to overeat or to start a risky relationship.

Neither of those things are recommended, and are certainly a result of something seriously wrong that causes great unhappiness.

But unless someone physically held you down and poured alcohol down your throat on numerous occasions until your body physically relied upon it, it was your choice to swallow those drinks.

I’m not judging you on why you chose to do that, I can only assume it was to escape some unimaginable horror in your life at the time. But it was still a choice you made.

It is everything to do with like.

Someone may hate the taste of alcohol but they drink because they like the effects, or they like the fact they black out and don’t have to deal with whatever is going on in their lives.

The same is true of drugs.

If someone is taking speed to lose weight it’s because they like the drug’s effect of causing weight loss.

If someone is taking ‘a little something’ to help them stay awake it’s because they like the effect of being awake, which they need to be in order to get tasks done.

If someone drinks in order to ‘fit in’, it’s because they like the effect the alcohol has in helping them deal with social situations.

The like may not be the taste or smell of the substance, it could be the effect that substance has on the body - either to enhance experiences or to numb them.

So I say again, if the addict didn’t like the addictive substance they wouldn’t take it.

Physical addiction can only follow a course of action by the addict of repeatedly taking the addictive substance until the point is reached where the body craves it.

It’s very rare for someone to be addicted to something they’ve never taken.

@ExasperatedDancer so what is your answer? Prohibition?

Hello everyone sorry I'm only just now coming back to this thread. To the previous posters who have similar stories to mine, I am sorry for your suffering, feeling like you are not able to 'fix it' is very difficult especially when it involves family.

My brother is still staying with me, my amazing husband has been driving him to school and picking him up from work as he is self employed and able to set his own schedule to a degree. My Dad has returned DBs money and we have opened a new bank account for him with a separate savings account. Dad has apologised to him (not his Mum though 😑) and asked him to come home. DB is not sure what he wants to do, he's very hurt his Mum hasn't bothered to reach out and try to fix things, Dad is saying she is deep in a shame spiral but I don't really care tbh she's just a coward. No apology from Dad to me though just more excuses about how stressed he is and how difficult his life is. I told him he has chosen to live like this, and as his children we don't have to make the same choice. I've told Dad that if my brother decides he wants to live with me he better not fight me otherwise I will get social services and the police involved where the outcome will be the same. Dad cried, fuck I felt awful but what other choice do I have? I know his life is shit but I can't force him to leave her and improve his circumstances.

My other siblings have been amazing and we have all decided to club together and help DB buy his car asap so he has more independence whatever he decides. Going forward any relationship I have with Dad will happen on my terms outside his house with his wife not present. If he doesn't want that then he won't see me, his choice. My siblings have said much the same to him, it's just gone too far now and he needs wake up that he is at real risk of being alone if he doesn't change some things.

Anyway thank you all SO much for your words and wisdom and supportive messages. Mumsnet gets a lot of flack for being bitchy etc. but this thread has shown how many wonderful, intelligent and empathetic women post here. Mumsnet at its absolute best and I will be forever grateful to you all. ❤️

Fantastic! Sounds like things are working out favorably for DB and that is good to hear.

This sounds like a really strong and positive outcome. You and your siblings standing up to your dad and stepmum. Your db will hopefully be ok now everyone is rallying around him.