So very sad, can't believe he has chosen her

[NewbieSM]

Sorry for the late long post, I am in Australia but don't really have many people to talk to about this and am feeling very low today.

I've just had a massive fight with my Dad about his wife's drinking problem and he essentially kicked me out of his house and told me to never come back.

Back story: My step mother is an alcoholic has been for 35 years, she made my childhood an absolute nightmare, physical and mental abuse, stealing money from me, destroying expensive items like phones, passports (multiple times) to stop me from visiting my mum overseas. She would get black out drunk almost everyday, pass out and piss the bed so when I got home from school my younger siblings and I would have to drag her down the hall in to the shower to clean her up. She was arrested 3 times for drunk driving, once with all us kids in the car, I remember all of us crying and me screaming at the police to leave her alone as he drove us and our car to police station. I was 11. My Dad is a classic conflict avoidant type personality and always brushed it under the rug, made excuses for her, stuck his head in the sand basically.

Fast forward to today, I get a call my from 17 year old half brother, he's really upset and nearly in tears, he's just logged into his online banking and his mum has wiped his account of all his savings from his part time job. She's stolen his atm card, just like she did to me multiple times 10 years ago.

I'm fuming, so I drive over there to comfort my brother and confront her and my Dad. DB is so so upset, he's been saving up for a car for nearly 2 years and she's gone and fucked it all up. I tell DB to get in my car while I talk to Dad, the stupid bitch is hiding out in her room so she doesn't have to face the music, typical. Dad was so dismissive of me, kept saying it's not her fault this is the disease, we need to support family blah blah blah I'll replace the money. That's just not good enough imo, he needs to kick her the fuck out, she needs rehab not enabling. I told him he is risking his relationship with all of his kids for a woman who doesn't deserve it and he needs to make the right choice. He blew up me, told to keep my nose out of it, who did I think I was to lecture him and issue ultimatums and I was "emotionally bankrupt". He told me to get out of his house and don't bother coming back.

I've taken my brother to my house and set him up in the spare room to cool off for a couple days, but I am so upset at how my Dad spoke to me. Even though I am a 30 year old woman I am still his first born child, I can't believe he has chosen her over me AGAIN. He had a second chance to do things differently with my two younger brothers but he hasn't learned and has now fucked up two more people's mental health. I'm so done with it all but I can't imagine a life without my Dad who I still love very much. What do I do now Mumsnet, how do I move on?

Gosh OP what a lot to be dealing with!
I’m an only child, of two only children, and I’ve made a bit of a hobby of studying other families habits having little of my own!
And my conclusion is often that people put up with utterly appalling behaviour that causes much unhappiness “because Family…” well, you don’t have to! Would you keep in contact with friends or neighbours that behaved like this? That bring misery and unhappiness at every turn? No, of course you wouldn’t.

Your Brother is lucky to have you, get him out of there and the older one too if possible. I’d let your Dad visit at your home if you want to keep contact with him, but I’d never be setting eyes on your StepM again in your shoes!

i think you just need to be strong for your db
be an ear for him and a place for him , he needs to chose whether to go back or what

My step-mum is an alcoholic and after many years of her plying my dad with wine he’s gone the same way now too. He is very passive, conflict avoidant too and seems to be totally codependent.

I totally get how you feel about the fact he’s put her alcoholism before the rest of the family. It’s shit, it really really is.

Ultimately, it may you closer together with your siblings. Can your brother live with you?

AlAnon is probably worth trying too, I really should try to get some extra support too.

I just wanted to add to the op that it’s not necessarily wrong in itself that a man prioritises his relationship with his wife over that with his dc, although it’s not about choosing one over the other. ( Many people on Mumsnet disagree with this but that’s for another thread.) In a functional family a man supporting his wife and vice verza means that the dc are automatically supported too.

What is wrong here op is that your dad has supported his wife who has stolen from his dc and allowed her to emotionally traumatise his children and wreak havoc on the entire household. Never mind driving them in a car while intoxicated. In other words, he put you in physical and emotional danger. As much as he loved her, he should have drawn a line and protected you and put your welfare and that of your siblings first.

I agree with pp that your dad is as sick as your stepmother.

Please don’t feel you have to answer this op but it makes me wonder what led to the break up of your dad’s marriage to your mum? And whether your stepmom was already an alcoholic when your dad married her?

I’ve no experience of what your family are going through, wanted to say that it’s wonderful that you and your siblings are so close and can help each other out, you sound like a fantastic big sister.

I agree with the poster who said press charges for theft. That will wake your father up hopefully.

This could be my life but with my biological mum who is a mentally ill alcoholic. I supported my dad whenever she created chaos for him to repeatedly throw it back in my face once she was sober and acting normal again. My two younger brothers didn't survive this childhood. One dead the other an addict. He is 72 and still championing her cause. I'm no contact with her for the last 8 years, which has been bliss. Aside from him pestering me to have her back in my life. Even though they are divorced and she destroyed his life. Apparently he just loved her more than his kids. I don't have anything for you just a rather unexpected mumsnet hug!

I think that you need to step back a bit, OP. Your Dad will see this as you interfering, projecting your problems onto your DBro and therefore not listen; you need impartial, external input.

Does your DBro's school have a pastoral team who can help?

I'm so done with it all but I can't imagine a life without my Dad who I still love very much. What do I do now Mumsnet, how do I move on?

This is what he’s relying on, I’m afraid. He’s managed to talk you out of reporting your stepmother to the police on more than one occasion; he knows you don’t want to give up on a relationship with him and your siblings, so he brushes things under the carpet and hopes you’ll eventually give in and do the same.

I think the time has come to call his bluff. Don’t get in contact; ignore any attempts at contact. I’m not denying that it will be very hard, but at the moment, he thinks he can get away with this behaviour because you always give in and come back. You need to stand firm and make him realise he’s at a genuine risk of losing you forever.

I am FURIOUS on your behalf

I'm so sorry. Drug addicts will do anything to get their fix, and relationships come a distant second.

She is in the gutter and why he would choose her over everyone else is a mystery.

But he has.

Probably guilt, love, pity, shame and more, all scrambled together.

Your bro is so lucky to have you, your DH is supportive and it seems there is good communication with the family otherwise. Are you in contact with mum and sister? I'd be going all out to strengthen all those relationships because they'll be there for the future ... which the previous generation won't.

She has stolen your brother's money, which he saved through hard work and plans for the future.

Family pressure on the pair of them to pay him back. A clear, consistent message from you all to them. He's chosen her so he's enabled her and should be doing the paying - sounds like she hasn't got a bean. Your bro must get his money and his dream back.

good advice

Well surely if it is an illness and df isn't seeking help for her he is assisting her suicide? Can't think how she is even still alive..

I'm surprised that she's still alive after 35 years of drinking that much. She almost certainly won't be for much longer. My sister has end stage liver failure after drinking heavily for 20 years. My parents were also alcohol dependent. I am so sorry that you have had such a shitty upbringing. I don't know the situation with your mother, but I am also sorry that she didn't intervene and that you didn't live with her instead.

I would write your dad a letter. I would explain that, whilst alcoholism is a disease, he is enabling his wife's condition and that, as a result, she will almost certainly not be alive for much longer. You could include information on the reality of liver failure and what happens when your liver fails and information on how to get her liver assessed and seek help.
You could say that you feel very sad that he is yet again putting her over his children and that you have decided to step back. You could point out that, if she continues to drink and things don't change, he will one day find himself on his own.

He's putting her first now because she is so vulnerable, but when you were younger, you were also very vulnerable and shouldn't have been put in that situation.

There's a great book on understanding addiction called "understanding and helping an addict" by Dr Andrew proulx. It's worth reading. It's helped me understand my sister and her behaviours more, but also given advice on how not to enable and how to protect your own emotions. It's helped me to refuse a lot of my anger and frustration. I'm more understanding of my sister's behaviour, but equally aware of how not to enable it. I would get it, have a read and then send it to your Dad. He can't just keep burying his head in the sand over this.

Which state are you in OP?

Reporting the theft might be the best thing anyone can do for her.

With this offence plus her drink driving she'll present to court with a clear history of an alcohol problem. If she gets a good legal aid lawyer they might be able to negotiate a diversion or alcohol education program. Then she'd have to do it, and it would make the stakes higher if she reoffended.

I'm so sorry for you OP. It's incredibly unfair for you and your siblings.

Your brother is lucky to have you.

Your db needs to report this theft to the police .
He needs to also move out as soon as is possible .
This is a toxic situation for him in fact an it’s mega toxic for you all. Time to move on in life your dad didn’t chose his wife over you tonight he chose her over all you kids many many years ago.

Get Counseling and let go of the past .

Your dad is a hopeless case. My dad was the same, enabling my mother’s drinking all of my life. The only thing you can do is support your brothers, try to get them out, set them up independently and keep them away from their parents, unfortunately. I’d definitely encourage him to report the theft, she needs consequences, as does your dad, who doesn’t seem to take her actions seriously.

I would go to the police, but be aware they will involve social services which is what I think needs to happen, especially if he lives with you. You might be able to get help with school transport and he might get access to funding or help when he reached 18. It’s not a bad thing and it shows how serious you are about him living with you.

As a recovering alcoholic I agree it isn't a disease. This gives the power to some unknown entity when it's ourselves that are choosing to drink; even if that is guided by a mental health issue. In my case my undiagnosed ADHD was making my life a misery and the only way I felt I could socialise was with a drink and then that got totally out of hand.

I may be wrong but I think AA go down the "it's a disease route". I chose not to go to AA as I didn't believe in their values and have managed to stay sober for years now luckily.
A lot of successful recovery comes from education and the correct mental health support but the person has to be 100% invested and it's not easy.

OP, has your brother contacted the bank to alert them that the money has been stolen?

How was she able to access it? The bank may have to replace it.

I'd also call Centrelink and see what options there may be for your brother if he was to become independent of his parents now. He may be eligible for ausstudy or similar and not have to work so many hours.

Centrelink may also be able to link him in with services that support him.

Drinking is a distraction from issues that the alcoholic cannot face.

This is (more or less verbatim) from Instagram but it’s very true:

“Pain travels through families until someone is willing to stop and actually look at the problem and challenge it, instead of deluding themselves, pretending everything is going ok, or distracting themselves with drink, drugs, gaming, or another addiction”

Sorry, I meant Youth Allowance, not Ausstudy.

srcusyd.net.au/src-help/caseworker-help/centrelink/centrelink-independence/

I'm so sorry, OP. My childhood was similar and I know exactly what it's like -- how that level of insanity just becomes normal to you. Your story about the bottles really resonated with me. I've been there. I remember being the last child at school to be picked up by my (drunken) father after a drama club meeting, and hiding in the bushes in the dark so that no one would realise he was hours late. Another time I poured half his vodka bottle down the sink and refilled it with water. I remember how furious I was when I did it (aged 10 or so). He never mentioned it, though he must have noticed. The kicker? He was a psychiatrist.

From experience, if you want a relationship with your father I'm sure you'll still be able to have one, once everyone's emotions have calmed a bit. He'd be only too happy to sweep all this under the rug and never mention it again. The question is, do you want one? He'll never change. He's too enmired in the fog of enabling her. I'm sorry. It sucks.

Bless you for being there for your brother. He desperately needs some stability and people he can count on. The pain of this kind of betrayal from your parents, the two people who are supposed to take care of you, cuts very deep. Take care, OP. You're making all the difference in the world to him. x

As others have said, your dad is enabling what sounds like a very serious addiction if she has resorted to drinking hand gel. If he’s been doing it for 35 years there really isn’t much chance of talking him round to getting her some help now. The long standing addiction will be taking its toll on her health by now, so it’s likely some sort of health related event will bring things to a head anyway.

I think you ought to inform your dad that if the money isn’t paid back into your brothers’ account pronto, you will go to the police. Then tell him you think it’s time for contact to be cut between them, you and your brother, as you don’t want to be dragged into a situation which clearly isn’t going to end well.

I hope on his lonely deathbed your father is overwhelmed by shame and sorrow at allowing his long-dead wife to abuse, torture and steal from his children, over and over again.