So very sad, can't believe he has chosen her

[NewbieSM]

Sorry for the late long post, I am in Australia but don't really have many people to talk to about this and am feeling very low today.

I've just had a massive fight with my Dad about his wife's drinking problem and he essentially kicked me out of his house and told me to never come back.

Back story: My step mother is an alcoholic has been for 35 years, she made my childhood an absolute nightmare, physical and mental abuse, stealing money from me, destroying expensive items like phones, passports (multiple times) to stop me from visiting my mum overseas. She would get black out drunk almost everyday, pass out and piss the bed so when I got home from school my younger siblings and I would have to drag her down the hall in to the shower to clean her up. She was arrested 3 times for drunk driving, once with all us kids in the car, I remember all of us crying and me screaming at the police to leave her alone as he drove us and our car to police station. I was 11. My Dad is a classic conflict avoidant type personality and always brushed it under the rug, made excuses for her, stuck his head in the sand basically.

Fast forward to today, I get a call my from 17 year old half brother, he's really upset and nearly in tears, he's just logged into his online banking and his mum has wiped his account of all his savings from his part time job. She's stolen his atm card, just like she did to me multiple times 10 years ago.

I'm fuming, so I drive over there to comfort my brother and confront her and my Dad. DB is so so upset, he's been saving up for a car for nearly 2 years and she's gone and fucked it all up. I tell DB to get in my car while I talk to Dad, the stupid bitch is hiding out in her room so she doesn't have to face the music, typical. Dad was so dismissive of me, kept saying it's not her fault this is the disease, we need to support family blah blah blah I'll replace the money. That's just not good enough imo, he needs to kick her the fuck out, she needs rehab not enabling. I told him he is risking his relationship with all of his kids for a woman who doesn't deserve it and he needs to make the right choice. He blew up me, told to keep my nose out of it, who did I think I was to lecture him and issue ultimatums and I was "emotionally bankrupt". He told me to get out of his house and don't bother coming back.

I've taken my brother to my house and set him up in the spare room to cool off for a couple days, but I am so upset at how my Dad spoke to me. Even though I am a 30 year old woman I am still his first born child, I can't believe he has chosen her over me AGAIN. He had a second chance to do things differently with my two younger brothers but he hasn't learned and has now fucked up two more people's mental health. I'm so done with it all but I can't imagine a life without my Dad who I still love very much. What do I do now Mumsnet, how do I move on?

@Tilllly
Yeah sorry, I realised after I'd posted. I thought you were suggesting help for the step-mum - but clearly we're in agreement that she's a long ago lost cause

Report the theft to police it’s only fair. She needs to face consequence for her actions for once. Your poor db.

As for your enabling so called father- let him lose you. He doesn’t deserve you & your db at all. For you- counselling to keep strong & have that support. I wouldn’t be speaking to
him until he apologises & acknowledges heartfelt the hurt you have and are still suffering at the hands of this drunk. He’s a fool because this will kill her then he will have nobody as he’s abandoned his children over this.

You should be reporting the theft to the police (or your DB should). Perhaps the shock of being told that theft is illegal and her son wants to press charges will encourage her to sober up (though incidentally how did she manage pregnancy if she was an alcoholic? Did she quit for the 9 months?)

The fact you stood up for your brother will mean a lot to him. It's very validating for him.

Dad definitely needs to replace the money, pursue that, but beyond that, I'm afraid you and your half brother need to cut ties.

Your step mother is grossly abusive and your dad is a pathetic enabler.

That isn't going to change. She is unlikely to ever change given her history, much more likely to die in a drunken stupor one day. Dad will be alone, and he deserves to be.

The pain you and your siblings have experienced is immense and I think you should prioritise self care now. Your dad isn't going to change, he is going to keep doing what he's always done and the longer you hope for a different outcome, the more hurt you will be.

It's really awful, and quite outrageous that given her track record you kids were not taken into care or her charged with abuse and neglect.

I know your stepmother has committed a crime by stealing the money but I do wonder if the fastest way to get the money back is to insist Dad returns it. He may not do that if you involve police. I know that's messed up but just thinking about outcomes for you.

👍

I’m a now sober alcoholic. You’ve done the right thing. I’m no contact with my family for different reasons, but I can say that the relief I felt never having to be on edge waiting for whatever drama was coming next. For yourself and your siblings, consider Al-anon or see what support is offered by a charity for adult children of alcoholics in your area. In the UK, NACOA does wonderful work, so hopefully there will be something similar local to you.

Do go to the police and press charges for the stolen money. If nothing else, it teaches your DB to have boundaries, to speak up, to not enable, to put his needs first instead of dancing around her which is what he’s known his whole life. If you can give him a place to stay until he’s able to live independently, I’d consider it.

Put yourselves first. Being NC with family is hard, but it’s a bit like getting sober. It’s tough, sad some days, you don’t feel ‘like everyone else’ but it’s never as bad as being sucked back into the toxicity and dysfunction.

You're clearly an amazing sister. Keep out of your dad's way - he is never going to be the person you want him to be. I'm so sorry for you. X

You cant make other people change, you can only change your own attitude to them. Your father has always put his second wife first, he probably always will. So grieve for the father you didnt have and try to ensure your step brother has support and if possible moves out. If he wont do that he needs to secure not just his bank account but any possessions his mother might sell. When he gets his car he needs to be very careful with the keys.

Alcoholism is a disease, with complex causes. I dont know about the Australian system but in the uk the best thing for your stepmother would be prison. She would get some help and your father might realise he should leave her to it if she wont stay sober. There are drugs that make you sick if you drink but she has to want to try them. Doesnt sound as if she'd be jailed for this theft, though, so get your brother's money back before considering charges.

If she's been an alcoholic for 35 years she may already be suffering some ill health and any problem she develops now will be made worse by the alcohol.

He will always choose her over you. You can love your dad as much as you want but that doesn't mean he will return it and is worthy of being called 'dad'. I always find posts like this hard because kids from families like yours always struggle to cut ties because they still blindly love their parents. He enabled her allowing your childhood to go to pot and has done so with 7 children. 7 young people who's lives have been impacted by an alcoholic. The only way you will be completely free of the mess is to cut ties with your stepmother and parent. Hard as it will undoubtedly be you will never get the relationship you want.

I'd let your dvro know he can stay at yours should he want to but you won't be engaging with the step mum and your dad. It's up to him if he decides to contact the police.

Find yourself and your siblings some support. I just had a quick look and Smart recovery have a presence in Australia and appear to offer online meetings. Look for the youths only ones, and the ones for friends and family.

Lovely OP, sorry to read this, I have a very similar story but it was my alcoholic bio mother and enabler father. Similar stories of cleaning up vomit, her smashing the house up in temper and he just buried his head in the sand and as the eldest I had to become his helper and confidante.

Ruined myself and my brothers childhood and the damage has lasted years. My mother eventually died and my father within weeks moved another woman into his house. She wasn’t an addict but was a nasty, bitchy piece of work who hated the close relationship us kids had with our father. Similarly to you, when I confronted him he blew up and told me to get out and never speak to him again.

Yet again he chose his ‘woman’ over his kids.
incredibly painful but he again showed his true colours and I did exactly what he wanted. I’ve not spoken to him for 8 years. I hope the bed he’s made for himself is very comfortable. He’s a weak, pathetic man who has no right to be in mine or my children’s lives.

As hard as it will be, let your father sink with her, cut or go very low contact. You siblings will be good support for one another. Let your father’s choices pave the way for his future, he will have to look after his wife and himself as they get older. They don’t deserve any of you. Good luck

It's not a disease.
It's an addiction. That started with a conscious choice to drink.

If she's been drinking at that level for that long then her liver will start to give up very, very soon IME.
Sorry.
She is never going to stop.
Does your DF drink too? (this was the way with PILs who both died of alcohol related issues)
Can your brother cycle from yours to work/school?
Sending a hug through the ether. Alcoholism is horrible to watch.

I don't know whether this is of any comfort to you, but the dad you love is as broken and as damaged as his wife. His life will have been the sort of hell that no emotionally healthy person chooses. No one sets out thinking its a good use of their one precious life to live with and enable an alcoholic, losing everything else in the process. His codependency makes him as sick as she is.

Please know, I'm not excusing him, his treatment of you and your brother is unforgivable, but you asked how can he do it, and I think that is how.

On a practical level, I think its time for you to detach for the sake of your own wellbeing. The first part of that is acceptance, and training yourself not to expect anything different. This is the father you have. What level of relationship can you have going forward that protects you from further harm and gives you space to heal? It may be the odd conversation, it may be nothing at all. But you decide that, because that's the part you do control.

If you can, keep your brothers savings for him and give him a safe haven. You have each other and that's worth a great deal.

I'd add that the same is essentially true of al-anon. It was one of the worst things I could have done when living with an alcoholic husband. I was actively discouraged from leaving him when he was at his worst. To just believe in him when he was in recovery while actively being discouraged from taking any steps to even protect myself financially. Even after I left him when he relapsed massively after DS was born, I had an actual psychiatrist tell me I should accept him and stay with him.

Recovering from severe addiction is incredibly difficult. Loving someone who is addicted is in many ways worse. But the whole industry that exists to supposedly help those people is the type of anti-therapy that makes everything much harder.

Don't repay your brother from your own savings. If your SM had stolen from a stranger, she would be up in court for theft. Why should the fact that it has happened within the family mean its any different? Actions have consequences.

DB gets repaid TWICE his savings or goes straight to the police.

@NewbieSM one of the best things I did to help in a long term difficult alcoholic situation was to attend a local Al-anon group.

I was so so scared to go because I thought somehow I had failed by not being able to fix the situation even though I had tried & tried but nothing had worked. I was exhausted with the responsibility of it all & the weight I felt on my back for so long.

I almost didn't go in but just making that first step completely changed my life & today I am so grateful to my younger self for accepting that I needed support.

Nonsense!

There are many atheist/ agnostic member of AA.

What the organisation does ask people to recognise is that they are in the grip of an addiction that they aren't strong enough to fight alone.

People are asked to recognise a "higher power" but it isn't necessarily God if you don't believe. It can be the organisation itself, the support of other members, or even your own inner strength that can emerge when you are in a supportive environment.

It is not a "cult".

Exactly, they have the capacity to stop the disease either through stopping drinking or taking their own life to end everyone's else's misery if they can't stop. OP I would feel zero guilt for wishing this awful woman dead, you can have mental health problems and also be a terrible person. This seems to be the case here. Your father I would judge just as if not more harshly, that he allowed 2 more children to be born into this shitshow is actually unbelievable.

@anyolddinosaur I think some experienced and respected neurologists now disagree with the received wisdom of “addiction as disease”. The medical profession has fairly recently been divided after new research indicating it’s a behavioural problem, requiring willpower and motivation to change:

https://amp.theguardian.com/culture/2015/aug/30/marc-lewis-the-neuroscientist-who-believes-addiction-is-not-a-disease

read the book ‘Adult children of emotionally immature parents’ - it’s life changing!

My mum is the same with my dad - no matter how emotionally abusive he is or how many people/family members cut her out because they can no longer deal with him, she still stays no matter what.

and I truly never understood why she always chose him over everyone - including her own children and grandchildren.

The section in the book about ‘passive parents’ let me finally understand why she is the way she is and helped me come to terms with the fact she was never going to chose me and that in turn led me to finally cut contact and be free of the pair of them without any guilt.

your father is just as guilty as this awful woman - he is the adult and he is the one who supposed to protect his children. His behaviour is selfish to the core.

AA is not a cult. It works for many people (myself included). It isn’t always the best answer for everyone though, and I’m glad you found another solution.

OP I’m going to add another vote for your half-brother reporting this to the police. I can’t believe your Dad is brushing this off!

You sound really lovely and don't deserve this at all. Your little brother is very lucky to have you and you are no doubt the maternal figure that he needs in his life.
Sounds like you and the other siblings just need to detach and let them get on with it. Pull together to help the younger brothers to leave and do the same. Letting go will be the hardest but I believe it will become easier with time and you will find peace eventually.

If your brother doesn't go to the police do it on his behalf. Get it logged. It's time to go nuclear for your dad's sake.

My dad finally escaped my mother. Had 15 quiet years before he died. He left instructions we weren't to tell her he was ill or when his funeral was. She didn't find out for three months then went mad when she did wanting to know where the money was.

You’re a good sister OP!