So very sad, can't believe he has chosen her

[NewbieSM]

Sorry for the late long post, I am in Australia but don't really have many people to talk to about this and am feeling very low today.

I've just had a massive fight with my Dad about his wife's drinking problem and he essentially kicked me out of his house and told me to never come back.

Back story: My step mother is an alcoholic has been for 35 years, she made my childhood an absolute nightmare, physical and mental abuse, stealing money from me, destroying expensive items like phones, passports (multiple times) to stop me from visiting my mum overseas. She would get black out drunk almost everyday, pass out and piss the bed so when I got home from school my younger siblings and I would have to drag her down the hall in to the shower to clean her up. She was arrested 3 times for drunk driving, once with all us kids in the car, I remember all of us crying and me screaming at the police to leave her alone as he drove us and our car to police station. I was 11. My Dad is a classic conflict avoidant type personality and always brushed it under the rug, made excuses for her, stuck his head in the sand basically.

Fast forward to today, I get a call my from 17 year old half brother, he's really upset and nearly in tears, he's just logged into his online banking and his mum has wiped his account of all his savings from his part time job. She's stolen his atm card, just like she did to me multiple times 10 years ago.

I'm fuming, so I drive over there to comfort my brother and confront her and my Dad. DB is so so upset, he's been saving up for a car for nearly 2 years and she's gone and fucked it all up. I tell DB to get in my car while I talk to Dad, the stupid bitch is hiding out in her room so she doesn't have to face the music, typical. Dad was so dismissive of me, kept saying it's not her fault this is the disease, we need to support family blah blah blah I'll replace the money. That's just not good enough imo, he needs to kick her the fuck out, she needs rehab not enabling. I told him he is risking his relationship with all of his kids for a woman who doesn't deserve it and he needs to make the right choice. He blew up me, told to keep my nose out of it, who did I think I was to lecture him and issue ultimatums and I was "emotionally bankrupt". He told me to get out of his house and don't bother coming back.

I've taken my brother to my house and set him up in the spare room to cool off for a couple days, but I am so upset at how my Dad spoke to me. Even though I am a 30 year old woman I am still his first born child, I can't believe he has chosen her over me AGAIN. He had a second chance to do things differently with my two younger brothers but he hasn't learned and has now fucked up two more people's mental health. I'm so done with it all but I can't imagine a life without my Dad who I still love very much. What do I do now Mumsnet, how do I move on?

I don’t know much about Australia but I would absolutely get social services involved. And encourage your brother to open a case of theft against his mother. It might be the shock your father needs to start putting things right.

Your father is an enabler and very likely codependent. The previous recommendation of Al-Anon is a good one - for you and your brother. You don’t have to believe in a higher power, I know atheists who attend. It’s more like a support group.

Is there any other family that your brother can stay with that’s closer by to his school and job? Would he be moving out soon after finishing school or planning to live at home while at university? Its difficult but if there’s any way to physically remove himself from that situation that would be best.

bit more on enabling and codependency here: https://psychcentral.com/addictions/whats-the-link-between-codependency-and-enabling

I think you need to cut your dad some slack, I'm sure he realises there's a problem and he has his reasons he hasn't addressed them. It's easy for you to not be involved because you have your own life, but this is his life and his wife. It doesn't mean it's ok, just have some empathy for your father he will have his reasons, maybe as simple as fear of being alone

Idk if you have children or intend to have them. Think back on what you’re saying about your dad when you have kids the age you were when her first started confiding in you. An adult confiding ins child is incredibly wrong. It’s called parentification, an adult in some way switching roles so their child effectively becomes the parent.

@Passingthethyme
No, op should not cut her father some slack. He abused her by parentifying I her and allowed her to be abused by his wife for decades.

I can't agree with this.

It seems OP has done just this her whole life.

Well maybe not cut him some slack, but not assume he'll be ready or willing to leave his wife or take her side. All that will happen is she will be disappointed, given this has gone on for years it's unlikely to stop now

Report the text to the police.

Honestly there is nothing to be done for your dad. Until he gets to a point he’s lost everything he’s not even going to try and change. Maybe you do need some therapy for you as you’ve definitely been put through the mill with him, you will probably never get an apology for yesterday but he will need you and try and make it up. He’s been able to enable so much as you kids have picked up a lot of the crap.

I think your concern now should be your brother. Get him a new bank account and keep everything at your house. If he can move in with you is there transportation to school and could he look for another job close by.

good luck.

Yes there is Al-Anon in every state here in Australia. You should call 1300-252-666 - someone will be there who will listen to you and can help you with some initial advice. There is also Al-Ateen who can help your brother. You are not alone - they have all been through this.
I am so sorry for you - you don't deserve this. xx

If your brother wants to report it as theft, male sure your dad has paid him back first. Otherwise he won't.

Two years savings is such a lot of money, time and effort for a 17 year old. That's so awful.

Here in Aus your DB no longer needs a joint signatory, so should open an account with a different bank who has strong fraud protection, and for his car, an online saver account with no card. Then a secure pin that he changes regularly on the card - random numbers not written down. Don't tell her about the new online saver account. She can't find it if she doesn't know about it!

There are Al anon family support services. Your step mum is never going to change. Your dad will never change. Look after yourself and then your DB and have a plan.

Probably no point charging her with theft
Ime the police won't do anything as they're so overworked. If they do, the courts won't punish her (in QLD anyway) so you'll just be painted as the bad guy for doing it. You could threaten it if your father doesn't repay the money though.

Just look after yourselves & let your dad sort himself. Once your DB can move out after school there's need to see them at all.

Report the theft to the police, let them deal with the crime, and have nothing further to do with your dad until this woman is out of his life. Let your brother live with you until he can be self sufficient

I hate the idea that it's a disease .. cancer is a disease ffs .

My dad was an alcoholic and he chose the bottle over us ..

It's so sad 😞.

I think it's lovely that you siblings have managed to have good relationships amongst this chaos . I think the saddest thing is that your dad has tolerated and accepted his wife's behaviour to the detriment of his children .

I think I would go no contact with your parents , you step mum for bring a drunk and your dad for enabling it .

Your brother will finish his education soon and if he then goes to college or a job do it in your area so you can give him a stable home or be supportive in his own home .

Reading this made me very emotional - very similar situation in my family only it was my DM. Much younger sibling left in the house ... Had many of the same incidences you mention - drunk driving with children in the car, stealing our money etc etc

Honestly I'd cut him off. My sibling is broken by being brought up in this environment, it's completely toxic. Your dad has failed you in how he parentified you and did more than fail to protect you - he dragged you into abuse!

I feel for you and the child you were then. I recommend therapy 100%, I wouldn't be who I am today without mine.

I totally understand you love him, but love is actions not just feeling and he's not acting like a father. You don't need to treat him like one.

@Passingthethyme cut HIM some slack? Are you joking? That's all I did my entire childhood.

I was the eldest child of a blended family with 7 children. I had to grow up way before my time and witness terrible behaviour for years. Do you think at age 12 dragging his unconscious wife on a pissed stained sheet into the shower, stripping her naked and washing her with my 11 and 9 year old sisters showed enough "empathy" to my father?

To all the other posters thank you for your advice, I'm trying arrange a sibling pow wow as we do need to help our brothers whatever way we can. Money isn't the issue I can afford to support my brother until he is 18, he works too so covers a lot of his personal costs. My siblings would chip in too if he wants to move out. It's all just a bit fresh and he's in shock. I think because he is the youngest he was somewhat the golden child and his mother's favourite up until now.

Good to know about the bank accounts I will help him set up a new one tomorrow. If Dad doesn't pay him back the money I'll take it out of my own savings if I have to, my brother worked really hard to save that up whilst also paying for his driving lessons and test which he passed only a couple months ago!

I thought there was a family support grp? Al-anon? I thought they might have some resources or support

I wasn't suggesting AA for OPs stepmother - seems a bit of a pointless suggestion at this stage!

If you get the theft repaid & could all chip in and get the money together for a car, work and school wouldn't be such an issue I'd imagine.

I agree with pps that neither of them will change and a new bank account is a good idea. Could he live with a friend for his last year or could your other brother move out and have your brother live with him?

Except the dad isn't supporting the wife, he's enabling her. Enabling her alcoholism, that is. That's serving exactly no-one, and he's in denial.

IMO it's too late to save your dad and your step mum. Don't waste any more time on them. Your dad is a coward. Let them sink together.

Focus on yourself and your siblings. Your 17-year old brother needs bailing out. I see that you are taking steps to do this. I think the first port of call is your dad. I'd message him in a matter of fact way, no emotion, with a copy of what she has done to his account and ask him to repay the money. Failing that, get your other siblings to try and help him out. I think making sure your DB is OK and has his money back is a priority.

You need to go very low contact with your dad and his wife. Only deal with them to make sure your DB has what he needs until he can move out of that house. Once they are all out, there is no need to speak to your dad or his wife again. You are only hurting yourself. Concentrate on yourself and those younger who need help until they are independent. Let your dad and SM sink their own boat, and make sure your are not tangled up in the ropes as it goes down.

As for your step mum. Let her crack on with it. You aren't going to change her. Just make sure her impact on others is minimal.

Op you deserve congratulations for stepping up and doing what you did for your brother. Help him with transport difficulties and don’t let him go back to that place.

Reading this update, your father used you terribly as a teen. Frankly, I don’t think you fully realise yet how badly you have been used by him.

What you do - and I say this as someone who never advocates going low contact or no contact - is you let him stew in his own juice and that of his wife. That is his choice now and has been his choice for years. He is never going to change. Neither is your stepmother. Your father does not deserve a relationship with you.

You are, very understandably, still stuck psychologically in the place of a young teen, waiting for your father to do the right thing. Stop waiting. He’s answered you again and again. This is the end of the line. This is your firm and final boundary. It’s so sad but you need to accept reality, cut your father off, and move on.

Why on earth did your father accuse you of being “emotionally bankrupt” though? Did he mean that you don’t have enough sympathy for your stepmother’s difficulties? Wow if that is the case.
Talk about lack of insight. Write him a letter if you want explaining the reason for your withdrawal from his life and mention HIS lack of sympathy for his own children’s difficulties.

I’m so sorry op. Focus now on your own family. And your brothers. Let your father face the stark and lonely consequences of his own choices. Leave him to live with his stepmother without your support or love. He doesn’t deserve it. And he’s never going to change. He has let you down terribly and your deep feelings of hurt and betrayal are more than justified.

I hate the idea that it's a disease .. cancer is a disease ffs

I totally agree.

I think it is more appropriate to say it is a mental health issue. You don't find happy, balanced people drinking in this way. A disease isn't something you inflict on yourself. I don't feel sorry for your SM, but I do think she needs drastic measures to stop her drinking, if not just for others sake.

As kids whenever we found her drunk, we would all go on the hunt for hidden booze and money. My step sister and I once found over 150 empty bottles of wine and cider thrown into the blackberry patch down the side of our house. We lined them up across our driveway so my Dad had to move them all to park the car after he finished work. He didn't even say anything to us about it that day.

This is one of the saddest things I think I've ever read on MN. His desperate kids showed him the depth of their SM's problem in the most shocking way possible and he didn't even acknowledge it.

I hate to say it @NewbieSM, but your dad is as much as a dead loss as your SM and he doesn't deserve the second chances you keep giving HIM. Time and time again he's willingly put you in harm's way with this woman and turned a blind eye. Yes, she's in a grip of an awful addiction, but he is enabling it at the expense of the children his job is to protect. I hope that you and your siblings decide enough is enough and cut him off along with her. Maybe losing contact with you all might jolt him into action and get her into rehab.

No, she definitely does not need to ‘cut her dad some slack’. Her dad enabled and partook in consistent CHILD ABUSE by this woman towards his daughters, and now his son. He’s criminally negligent.

Also it’s one disease where the ‘sufferer’ has the cure! They have the key to stop it all! As difficult as it will be and they have to want to etc… not the same for diseases such as cancer. Enablement just makes it worse for everyone,

You’ve done amazingly here OP and thank god your db has you. Police involvement and all of you explaining that you’re stepping away surely has to be the next step.