So very sad, can't believe he has chosen her

[NewbieSM]

Sorry for the late long post, I am in Australia but don't really have many people to talk to about this and am feeling very low today.

I've just had a massive fight with my Dad about his wife's drinking problem and he essentially kicked me out of his house and told me to never come back.

Back story: My step mother is an alcoholic has been for 35 years, she made my childhood an absolute nightmare, physical and mental abuse, stealing money from me, destroying expensive items like phones, passports (multiple times) to stop me from visiting my mum overseas. She would get black out drunk almost everyday, pass out and piss the bed so when I got home from school my younger siblings and I would have to drag her down the hall in to the shower to clean her up. She was arrested 3 times for drunk driving, once with all us kids in the car, I remember all of us crying and me screaming at the police to leave her alone as he drove us and our car to police station. I was 11. My Dad is a classic conflict avoidant type personality and always brushed it under the rug, made excuses for her, stuck his head in the sand basically.

Fast forward to today, I get a call my from 17 year old half brother, he's really upset and nearly in tears, he's just logged into his online banking and his mum has wiped his account of all his savings from his part time job. She's stolen his atm card, just like she did to me multiple times 10 years ago.

I'm fuming, so I drive over there to comfort my brother and confront her and my Dad. DB is so so upset, he's been saving up for a car for nearly 2 years and she's gone and fucked it all up. I tell DB to get in my car while I talk to Dad, the stupid bitch is hiding out in her room so she doesn't have to face the music, typical. Dad was so dismissive of me, kept saying it's not her fault this is the disease, we need to support family blah blah blah I'll replace the money. That's just not good enough imo, he needs to kick her the fuck out, she needs rehab not enabling. I told him he is risking his relationship with all of his kids for a woman who doesn't deserve it and he needs to make the right choice. He blew up me, told to keep my nose out of it, who did I think I was to lecture him and issue ultimatums and I was "emotionally bankrupt". He told me to get out of his house and don't bother coming back.

I've taken my brother to my house and set him up in the spare room to cool off for a couple days, but I am so upset at how my Dad spoke to me. Even though I am a 30 year old woman I am still his first born child, I can't believe he has chosen her over me AGAIN. He had a second chance to do things differently with my two younger brothers but he hasn't learned and has now fucked up two more people's mental health. I'm so done with it all but I can't imagine a life without my Dad who I still love very much. What do I do now Mumsnet, how do I move on?

Could you and DB report your SM for theft? She’d have to face the consequences and the court may agree to give her a suspended sentence if she goes into rehab - and then your dad can’t avoid the situation any more?

Sometimes addicts have to reach rock bottom before they get help - and their enablers have to be forced to step back. It sounds as though, as a couple, they need an intervention as he is as much responsible for her sickness and the impact it has on you and your siblings?

Is DBro due some wages, at the month-end? Ask his employer (pronto) not to put the money in the compromised bank account.

Honestly, I think one of the best things you can do is help give your half-brothers some sort of sense of normality and stability by having them in your home as much as possible (not saying they have to live there) and presenting a different example to this shitshow you have all grown up with.

All three of you need to distance yourselves from them both. Your dad is an enabler, perhaps he's in denial, who knows? But while he's enabling her, honestly I believe the best thing you could do is walk away. Sorry, I know it doesn't feel that simple because he's your dad.

As for her... she's beyond help. I don't buy all this 'alcoholism is an illness' stuff. People DO have a choice, hard as that choice may be. I think my view is coloured by my husband's experiences with an alcoholic dad (he's NC with him) and then growing up to have an alcoholic partner (DSD's so-called mother) who abused alcohol and drank herself to death. Unless she's willing to help herself, nobody can help her and you're best off as far away as possible.

I'm so sorry for you and your siblings, all of them. What a mother to have, and your dad just keeps enabling her while ignoring what's happening to the children.

You are an amazing big sister! May I suggest you sit your brother down and tell him in detail about when she stole from you and how you were persuaded to let it go, then tell him that for her sake, she needs a 'short sharp shock' for her own good and theft charges plus a visit from the police will do this. Tell him you're behind him all the way - he already knows this but it'll be good to have it said again - and get him to press charges.

Then maybe both her and your dad will wake up. Sending both of you warm wishes..

Yes, Al Anon call it a disease.. a family disease. I went to them for two years.
There were plenty of athesists too. Higher power can mean what you want it to mean.
The only thing I had issue with was encouragement to do the Twelve Steps, which I didn't. I think I posted about it on here at the time. I don't understand why non drinkers like me were encouraged to do so. My then fiance certainly wasnt... he refused to attend AA, saying he'd rather die (which, he did)...
Apart from that, it was an amazing place, I ended up going four nights a week, it gave me a safe place to cry, share, rant..

She is an alcoholic who needs help. But the help must come from her wanting to cease to drink. Your DF could - and perhaps is - move her towards this but only an alcoholic can decide to move out of their particular hell. Sadly, this impacts on you and on your DB. You can help your DB and also support your father in trying to sort out your DSM - if that is possible. Please don't be upset about what you said. You also need to support yourself and your DSs.

Thank you everyone for the replies, I know you are all right. It's easy to say just cut him off, but my Dad really isn't all bad. As kid I watched how much he struggled looking after so many young kids and dealing with her. It wasn't always terrible sometimes we knew she was drunk but Dad just let her sleep it off her in her room and we got on with it.

I think he confided in me as a teen because he has great shame about it and because of her addiction has become quite socially isolated. I used to be pleased that he treated me as an adult when having these conversations but I see now that he was manipulating me to keep me onside.

He has done a lot to try and stop her drinking, she doesn't ever have any money, anything she needs he will buy but he has to be there with her to pay for it. She doesn't work or drive anymore as she can't be trusted. She's a total liability and he has put these restrictions in place to prevent her accessing booze. This is why she steals, because there is no other way for her to fund her habit. He has infantilised her to try and protect her and it totally fucked us over in the end. She doesn't drink as much as she used to because of this but when she does it's pretty bad.

My sister has called my Dad and told him to transfer the stolen funds today, wife should still have cash on her there's no way she spent it all, he needs to find it and give it back to my brother. The card has been cancelled and I'll help my brother open a new account at a different bank with only his name on it. I do think my Dad will pay it back like a previous poster said, he wants us to all forget about this and keep pretending everything is fine.

Don't want to make any concrete plans until my brother is a bit more settled, he knows he can always stay here if he needs and we can work something out with school and his job, yes if he gets paid back we could chip in a bit more for a car and insurance and he could drive himself.

Really feel for you, your stepmom sounds exactly like my half-sister. No one could help her and she destroyed every relationship she had. Luckily her husband had more of a backbone and protected their kids and moved her out into a rehab. But it didn’t help, she hooked up with other addicts there then ended up drinking herself to death in a public park.

You just have to be there for your half-siblings and mentally relive your father from the equation. He’s not a good dad and a selfish person who has ignored your pain.

Yes situations like this are always more nuanced than we can put in to words in a couple of paragraphs. I think everyone understands that op and despite your justified hurt, you sound like you have great insight in to your dad’s situation.

However, if I can indulge in some armchair psychology without any formal training whatsoever, 😀, I would urge you, very gently, to step back even further and not follow the example you have been set. It’s very unfair of me to accuse you of being like your father, because you are absolutely not, but it’s sometimes ingrained in us to follow the path our main carer has travelled. In other words, just be careful not to be too tolerant. It may be time to draw a line for your brothers’ sake if not your own.

OP, have you ever heard of a form of abuse known as 'parentification'?

Your father has abused you. He turned you into the adult partner helping him support his infantilised alcoholic wife.

He is in a co-dependent relationship with her and he has thrown all of you kids under the bus to maintain that relationship. He's no better than she is, I'm afraid.

You, on the other hand, have managed to build a life despite them, and are now supporting your baby bro. I don't know how you managed to emerge from a childhood like yours in one piece but hats off.

You deserved so much better, and so does your baby brother. Frankly, I don't think he should return at all. But that's a huge ask for you, and not one you owe anyone.

This is such an awful situation and my heart goes out to you and your siblings.
Your brother is blessed to have you , you could be the anchor that keeps him on the right path for the rest of his life .
I think she really does sound like a lost cause , you and your siblings are the ones that matter now , let your dad do his own thing.
Take care of yourself now and get some therapy if you need it , you have done enough , far too much actually ,when you should have been the one being looked after.
I really hope things get better for you and your lovely brother , hopefully with your other siblings by your side .
But don't get any further involved with their disastrous lives , if neither of them choose to help themselves then your influence means nothing , put your energies into those that really matter .

Absolutely report it. It will be the only way she will get help as it will force your dad to acknowledge the issues as the decision is taken out of his hands. It is the only way to make this any better

Reading your post is heart wrenching. I feel for all of you. yes it is a disease but to carry on with heads in the sand like your dad just enables the user. It is your Dad who needs to be the one to challenge her and make decisions that will stop enabling her to carry on. This has triggered a lot of emotions for me. I can’t say to much for fear of outing but I understand totally where you are coming from. Sadly you need to move away from your Dad. Concentrate on your DB and if and when your Dad sees sense he may come looking for you.
stay strong and trust your instincts. Best wishes.

I think it's medically acknowledged that alcoholism is a disease. Saying not to drink is akin to telling an anorexic just to eat.

I have no words for the OP - unbelievably awful for her and I can but admire her resilience

You did the right thing.
Your Dad needs to replace that money within a set time.
No one is safe living there with her.
You could help your brothers fool proof their banking and valuables. Would your father agree to them having a lock for their rooms? A section of the house where their mother just cannot gain entrance?
They also need a safe space that is available for them at short notice.
Your father does need to be the only one living with that drunk woman who is affected by her.
Hopefully he will brain storm with you about how to control sections of the house just for the boys.

Sadly it's likely that one day he'll be alone, having alienated all his children, and future grandchildren, too. And for what.

Your dad is utterly spineless and has failed all his kids.

Your poor DB! Reading everything you’ve said, I have no idea why you want a relationship with him or his wife.

This is really insightful and I would echo this.

I had to do a lot of work to untangle my feelings towards my dad because I thought of him as her victim like me. Which he was in many ways, but he also had the agency and means to leave when I did not. And he chose to keep us in the situation.

I really feel for you and your siblings and hope you find a way through this.

I would go no contact with the pair of them.

My brother I would arrange regular meet ups with him.

❤

I had a father and a brother who were alcoholics, OP so your posts resonate deeply. Your brother is so lucky to have you. As others have said, make sure you look after you. We parentified children have a tendency to feel responsible for the world and its woes and the resultant stress and anxiety can make us feel overwhelmed.

💐💕

What sort of advice is this? Her father has already said he'll replace the money, how exactly is she going to "make" him do it today, even if she could what would it achieve?
How can she press charges for theft? No ones stolen anything from her. That would be her brother, maybe he doesn't want to press charges against her mother? Does he get a say?

There's no simple advice in a situation like this. Stay calm, logical and support her brother, that's about it

This today !

OP speaking as the child of an out of control father and a mother struggling to cope, I wish I'd had a sister like you. It's great what you're doing for your brother.

Don't kick yourself for the choices you made as a child. You were child. Hats off for having become a more than functional adult regardless.

What do you do? Say your DB will be staying with you for a few days until the money is paid back. I know it will be a pain due to school, but for a few days it is surely manageable?

If DB goes back, make a deal you will pick him up anywhere at any time no questions asked if he feels he needs it.

You said social services is the nuclear option, but seem to think contacting to police would be less of a problem? And that your dad is a good guy just weak. I dont want to sound critical and your dad sounds like a decent guy but his weakness in excusing and downplaying her behaviour is at the expense of the children in the family and that is most definitely not a good thing to do. I think it is time to go nuclear. Clearly what he is doing is not working, and she has no motivation to change, so something has to be different.