Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask this family what their problem is?

224 replies

Callingat · 27/01/2024 14:42

DD14 has a best friend “Annie”. Annie and DD have been friends since primary school. Now firmly best friends. They live in the same village as us.

I met Annie’s mother a few times during pick up at primary. I used wraparound care so only a few occasions.

I am divorced from DDs dad who is now remarried and lives around 10 mins ago.

Annies parents are strict, she wasn’t allowed to go on the year 6 residential as they don’t like her being away from home. She was only allowed a phone at 14 which is monitored beyond the normal means most people monitor phone/internet usage. Her mum or dad accompany her to the local town when she’s with her friends (they just hover 20 foot behind or sit outside the cinema).

OK fine, that’s up to them. However they do let their DD sleep over at DDs fathers house. They welcome DD into their home (she’s says they are perfectly nice just a bit intense).

Now I get that people are worried about sexual abuse of their kids, and absolutely agree it has a higher likelihood of happening with someone you’ve trusted - but the parents will not let her to my house at all. Everytime DD says do you want to come over she says she isn’t allowed. But everytime she asks if she wants to go to her dads house her parents say yes. Which makes no sense, I’m a single mother, there are no men here except my teenage son but he’s also at their dads so it can’t be that,

DD again asked her today and Annie messaged back 10 mins later to say her dad said yes but her mum said no.

AIBU to ask them what their bloody problem with me is?

Im a perfectly normal woman, single mother, 3 perfectly normal kids, a boring job and I like to knit and garden. I’m not running Fagans den or anything

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 27/01/2024 14:43

I suspect your ex might have been saying things.

Seems the most obvious explanation.

notjustthe · 27/01/2024 14:45

on the basis that you are considering asking this family “what their problem is” hints at an answer

catagoryA · 27/01/2024 14:45

Dont phrase it like "what's your problem" contact mum and invite the daughter around. If she's reluctant, just ask gently if there is anything you can do to make her and her daughter more welcome? Do you have a dog she is scared of? Or a neighbour who has caused them problems? Are you any sort of "officialdom"? It sounds like they are afraid of something.

Callingat · 27/01/2024 14:45

No - ex and I get on fine. He’s also pretty boring. Neither he nor his wife would do that .

OP posts:
Callingat · 27/01/2024 14:46

No dogs
No neighbours
I suppose you could call me some kind of officialdom (not police or social services)

OP posts:
JMSA · 27/01/2024 14:47

They are clearly just weirdos.

Numberfish · 27/01/2024 14:48

That does seem pretty weird. Wouldn’t your DD be best placed to ask her friend? Obviously pretty subtly.

Bunnyhair · 27/01/2024 14:49

Are they strict for religious reasons? Could it be that you’re perceived as some sort of scarlet woman because you’re single, whereas your ex is respectably married?

Windymcwindyson · 27/01/2024 14:50

Do you work for hmrc???

RokaandRoll · 27/01/2024 14:50

They sound bonkers so it's probably because you're a single woman and could therefore in their eyes be having random men over to stay the night or something. Not that you would, but this is clearly a problem of theirs so try not to take it personally. I wouldn't ask them because it could just make things worse for their daughter.

notjustthe · 27/01/2024 14:50

has she ever been over to your house? not even once?

NotQuiteNorma · 27/01/2024 14:50

Octavia64 · 27/01/2024 14:43

I suspect your ex might have been saying things.

Seems the most obvious explanation.

Well of course. A man to blame. Obvious. 🙄

Octavia64 · 27/01/2024 14:51

Ok, possibilities:

Religion (they are Muslim/jehovahs witnesses etc)

You live somewhere they consider dangerous (may or may not be actually dangerous)

You have a cat or dog or rabbit and their DD is allergic

Their DD is lactose intolerant/coeliac and they know you DD's dad will cater for it

Their DD has anaphylactic reactions to something that is not in your Ex's house?

Callingat · 27/01/2024 14:53

Not religious. Uptight from what I’ve seen but not religious

No pets at all - completely pet free household

DD has asked her mate, she just says they’re strict

She’s never been here

I picked them both up from secondary school once after netball because the bus was late. Her mum literally stood at the door when I dropped her off

OP posts:
KittySmith1986 · 27/01/2024 14:56

I reckon the mums concern is a man (boyfriend) in the house. It’s unfortunate that she hasn’t taken the time to get to know you better in which case she’d know if there was one on the scene.

Lovingitallnow · 27/01/2024 14:58

Do they know your ex? Through sports or something not dd related? Could it be they know him but have never spoken to you?

TTindigo · 27/01/2024 14:58

It could be that you are a divorced woman.

Please don't embarrass yourself by asking what their problem is.

desperatemouse · 27/01/2024 14:59

Tricky one.

They’re at the age where you aren’t really involved with the parents as much.

could your dd do a bit of digging (subtly of course) to find out what the problem is?

do you ever drop Dd at Annie’s house? If so, could you nip out the car ask very nicely ask the parents if Annie fancies coming over? See what the dad’s reaction is.

otherwise I’m not really sure.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 27/01/2024 15:00

Callingat · 27/01/2024 14:45

No - ex and I get on fine. He’s also pretty boring. Neither he nor his wife would do that .

I think sadly this is the reason your ex is married where you are … wait for it while I grasp my pearls…. A single mother!!!

If they are very umm strict and conservative even a remarried divorced father is better that heavens above a single mother!!

That poor kid will rebel some chronic in years to come

I don’t think they will tell you the truth even if you ask … they sound bonkers

notjustthe · 27/01/2024 15:02

DD has asked her mate, she just says they’re strict

and dd didn’t ask why fine about staying at her dad’s

Comedycook · 27/01/2024 15:03

That is really weird and makes no sense.

If they banned all sleepovers that would be understandable but it's very odd they're happy for her to stay overnight with a single dad but not a single mum.

Yeah very weird actually

TheShellBeach · 27/01/2024 15:03

How odd, OP.

notjustthe · 27/01/2024 15:03

in answer to your question though - you obviously can’t ask them “what is your problem” or even anything close to that

notjustthe · 27/01/2024 15:04

and in this girls friendship group there’s not a single other single parent?

i am a single parent and one of a number amongst my teen son’s friends

Comedycook · 27/01/2024 15:04

Oh I see your ex is married so there's a woman there too. Still weird. Maybe they're worried you have random men to stay as you're single!