To ask this family what their problem is?

[Callingat]

DD14 has a best friend “Annie”. Annie and DD have been friends since primary school. Now firmly best friends. They live in the same village as us.

I met Annie’s mother a few times during pick up at primary. I used wraparound care so only a few occasions.

I am divorced from DDs dad who is now remarried and lives around 10 mins ago.

Annies parents are strict, she wasn’t allowed to go on the year 6 residential as they don’t like her being away from home. She was only allowed a phone at 14 which is monitored beyond the normal means most people monitor phone/internet usage. Her mum or dad accompany her to the local town when she’s with her friends (they just hover 20 foot behind or sit outside the cinema).

OK fine, that’s up to them. However they do let their DD sleep over at DDs fathers house. They welcome DD into their home (she’s says they are perfectly nice just a bit intense).

Now I get that people are worried about sexual abuse of their kids, and absolutely agree it has a higher likelihood of happening with someone you’ve trusted - but the parents will not let her to my house at all. Everytime DD says do you want to come over she says she isn’t allowed. But everytime she asks if she wants to go to her dads house her parents say yes. Which makes no sense, I’m a single mother, there are no men here except my teenage son but he’s also at their dads so it can’t be that,

DD again asked her today and Annie messaged back 10 mins later to say her dad said yes but her mum said no.

AIBU to ask them what their bloody problem with me is?

Im a perfectly normal woman, single mother, 3 perfectly normal kids, a boring job and I like to knit and garden. I’m not running Fagans den or anything

this

and surely your DD would plead with you not to ask them what their problem is??

Could you invite the mum over for tea with the DD? She might feel more comfortable the first time that way

I think you have hit the nail on the head with your update. The mum fears you are uncaring, lazy and negligent because, unlike you, she is unable to understand that people have different parenting styles.

She is a bit of a dick (and sexist!) for being so inflexible, but I am sure if you spoke to her you could reassure her that you would be present and engaged with the girls, and that her dd would be safe and well looked after. I mean, you shouldn't have to do that but for your dd's sake you could try.

a cuppa, not meal...

I'd directly invite them for a meal or similar, or in a café for a birthday etc etc. Why not?

I saw your update about walking home but that still makes no sense to me.

They sound batshit and judgemental.

@Callingat

Could it be at all possible that they 'fear' your teenage son's 'sex drive' with only you around to monitor him, but that at your DC's father's house there is a 'big safe adult male' to watch that teen DS doesn't turn into a 'ravening beast'? Pretty ridiculous, but perhaps their DD has mentioned that she thinks he's cute or that he's clowned around with her and DD in some way and they perceive him (very wrongly) as a threat. Or perhaps they don't trust her?

If you think this is a possibility, arrange for DS to be at his dad's then try asking for DD's friend to come/stay over after mentioning that DS will not be there.

If you had a conversation with them and they said something to you that you don’t like, or had a weird attitude, would you be able to let it go and not pass that on to your dd in some way?

Would you feel bad if they restricted their dd spending time with yours as a result of you reaching out?

I think I’d just leave it alone tbh for your dd’s sake. The other girl more than likely knows but isn’t saying why because she knows it would cause problems or is batshit.

Might the mum think you are after her husband hence dad saying yes and mum saying no. People have some very funny attitudes.

Something like what?
If there was something in their past that's causing their behaviour towards the OP, it doesn't make sense that they allow their DD to go to the father's house.

Does she perhaps think you’re going to allow them to watch ‘unsuitable’ films with e.g. sex or satanic rituals or something? Or just a lot of graphic violence?

Whatever the reason, it's some major batshittery going on. I'd let it go and leave them to it. Pretty soon "Annie" will be old enough to tell them where to go and live an independent, free of suffocation life.
I appreciate one of them may have had trauma in their past to explain this behaviour, but even so - how is the other not standing up for their daughter? And surely they must have seen how other children are raised and know it's not the norm.

I've huge admiration and respect for Annie's parents.

the mother raped as a teenager by the brother of a friend…. a batshittery response?

we don’t know
we will probably never know
and completely inappropriate for the OP to confront

I’m pretty strict and I’m wondering what my issue would be in the sane scenario.

Possibilities -

1. could your daughter have said something whilst round the house? Like how you aren’t strict at all or you work a lot? Something that made them think you wouldn’t care for their daughter in the way they would require.

2. Any chance your house location is in a
   less desirable part of the village? Near a busy road or on a development known for kids handing about?

3. The potential for there to be lone men in the house. There has been so many stories of boyfriends of the mother murdering the family, including in some cases the visiting friend. If they are super risk averse it’s a consideration that wouldn’t exclude your daughters bio father in the sane way.

This is what I'm thinking too. They sound extremely controlling and I'll bet that extends to controlling each other too.

Did dds father do more school drops when they were younger so the parents feel they ‘know’ him better because they maybe saw him more often?

Or it’s just because you’re single and allow them to do things they don’t like eg walking home alone. You might have strange men round the house.
They sound batshit. Maybe you could text the mum and invite the kid over that way. See what she says. Or invite her round for a brew with the kid. They are clearly utter weirdos but might be nice for the daughter to be allowed round her best mates house

As a foster carer (and other parents probably wouldn't know this as we have children long term) I am only allowed to let the children stay with people who are approved and are DRB checked. It seems unreasonable to ask their friend's parents to go through all this, and would also be breaking the children's confidences, so it is much easier to say no to an invitation. I expect people wonder why.

DDs Stepmother is an old friend of the Mum maybe?

Sometimes though, there is just no logic.

Don't bother asking. It's not going to accomplish anything You're not going to get a reasonable answer from unreasonable people.

Why?

Not letting 14 year-olds out on their own/with friends during the day is nuts!

What age would you suggest?

Single mother stereotyping! As one myself, I've come across many people who presume that we're all whores who have 'random men' round the house!
It's so, so far from how 99% of single parents behave that it infuriates me. I guarantee that's what it is....

Why?

You know the saying, owt so queer as folk, and these guys sound weird.

Unless youre a BDSM Dominatrix (you did say you were in authority) the only people who can tell you are them. (Perhaps the dad has a crush on you znd it's a sore point. Who knows?)

Breach the subject by inviting DD's pal over and see what happens. Otherwise giving DD reasonable feedom to roam sounds like good parenting unlike their policy of suffocating their DD.

If someone somewhere has said something then good luck in finding out who, what or when. There again gossip is so rarely accurate and you don't have to believe it.

I don't think that you'll ever get to the bottom of this. Just ignore their rubbish.

Wouldn't the children say?

I know some parents that foster. Everyone at school knows (the children are safe) so no-one would question those sorts of rules, or the parents would just explain