To ask this family what their problem is?

[Callingat]

DD14 has a best friend “Annie”. Annie and DD have been friends since primary school. Now firmly best friends. They live in the same village as us.

I met Annie’s mother a few times during pick up at primary. I used wraparound care so only a few occasions.

I am divorced from DDs dad who is now remarried and lives around 10 mins ago.

Annies parents are strict, she wasn’t allowed to go on the year 6 residential as they don’t like her being away from home. She was only allowed a phone at 14 which is monitored beyond the normal means most people monitor phone/internet usage. Her mum or dad accompany her to the local town when she’s with her friends (they just hover 20 foot behind or sit outside the cinema).

OK fine, that’s up to them. However they do let their DD sleep over at DDs fathers house. They welcome DD into their home (she’s says they are perfectly nice just a bit intense).

Now I get that people are worried about sexual abuse of their kids, and absolutely agree it has a higher likelihood of happening with someone you’ve trusted - but the parents will not let her to my house at all. Everytime DD says do you want to come over she says she isn’t allowed. But everytime she asks if she wants to go to her dads house her parents say yes. Which makes no sense, I’m a single mother, there are no men here except my teenage son but he’s also at their dads so it can’t be that,

DD again asked her today and Annie messaged back 10 mins later to say her dad said yes but her mum said no.

AIBU to ask them what their bloody problem with me is?

Im a perfectly normal woman, single mother, 3 perfectly normal kids, a boring job and I like to knit and garden. I’m not running Fagans den or anything

They sound weird.

My husband refuses to let our daughter go to her friends house because her friend lives with just her dad. His reasoning is that he doesn't trust men around his daughter....

I think it’s the fear that you will allow their DD more freedom than she has at home and she will be off out by herself etc.

im nowhere near this controlling BUT ds2 has ADHD and I am careful about him staying at peoples houses - his poor ability to make sensible decisions and below age maturity means he Needs a bit more of a check in than some more mature peers. This means I end up hosting sleepovers more than I’d like! It’s not that inthink other parents are lax though - it’s just I recognise it’s a bit much to expect other parents to be mindful of things.

That's sad for your daughter but that can't be the case here?

I think it's about 50/50 whether they decide to tell. None of the three (different families) we have at the moment have told their story, but they are aged 12 plus.

We often deal with the most complex of legal cases so it is often very important that other parents do not know of their situation.

No idea, but clearly they are in a different position with the father and feel they can trust him. My point is, we don’t know why they are the way they are and why they have lowered their boundaries with OPs dad. Because from the OPs posts they are overprotectiveas a rule but for some reason let Annie stay with OPs ex. Not, they’re fine usually but they don’t like OP. That’s a totally different narrative and not the one that OPs original post suggests.

Annies mum was not happy for her to walk and kept asking DD why I wasn’t picking her up, DD just laughed and said it’s only down the road. Annie’s mum asked her if I was at work and she said no she’s at home - Annie’s mum couldn’t understand why I wasn’t going to collect her and did DD want them to drive her instead.

This is why. They don’t trust you to have ears and eyes on their daughter 100% of the time as they would.

They seem bonkers. My guess is they think it is safer to send their dd to your husband's house as he is married and lives with his wife. This is what I came up with as there is nothing else I could think of given your updates. Given them being over the top, I wont be surprised if they think like that.

If your ex husband has remarried and lives in a bigger house it might be a way of influencing their daughter into an expected standard. (As opposed to going to a single Mum's home with a smaller house who is striving and independent )There seems to be a lot of control in the family dynamic your daughter's friend is coming from.

Given you say their daughter is under constant supervision and that your daughter basically laughed at the idea she needed you to come fetch her I bet the mother thinks you won't be breathing down their necks the whole time and for whatever reason, this scares her.

If that is the case, they should go for therapy. No judgement but dont hover over your child like they have no breathing space and damage them

I agree

It’ll be because you are a big bad single mum, but your ex husband is a respectable married man.

I don't know if this applies to your situation but women are expected to be 'perfect' and get judged if they somehow appear to 'fail' at this. No such judgment for men, they can do what they want and remain the 'good guys' in everyone's opinion.

Do you smoke? Drink? Like to walk around the house naked?

There probably is a reason OP, and not just strictness. I do it with some parents but I have reasons -ie one class friends father is a drug dealer so I wouldn’t let me son go to their house, another the mum smokes, takes drugs and it’s very (at times) mentally unstable and happily talks about her drug taking and being are in front of her children. Another I said no as the mum gets VERY angry and shouts at her
son and it really bothers my very sensitive son. They obviously for some reason have an issue with you-I’d either ask outright but in a polite way or just accept it. It’s really shitty for you though.

Yeah probably this, if they chaperone their DD everywhere this may be the reason.

But they are freakishly overprotective. Their issue, not yours!

The thing is, odd as this sounds, you really don't know their circumstances. My parents were a bit like that when I was that age because my older sister had died when she was 6 (I was a toddler). They were literally terrified of something happening to me and as an adult now, I kind of understand more now than I did then.

You could ask and then at least you'll know.

However surely it won't be long before your dd and Annie are arranging their own social Life?

I think probably from secondary school onwards it got beyond the stage of me having any involvement in arranging my DCs getting together with friends.

Could it be that she has an issue with your teenage son being there, not realising that he is also at your ex's house?

I think it's likely two things related to you being a single mother

one is that they are concerned you might be dating and have overnight male visitors they don't know. that's different from your exs position.

the second is that as a lone parent, they worry that their DD might be in vulnerable position if something was to happen in an emergency sense that wouldn't be the case if there were two adults on site.

So for example, say you fall down the stairs and are rendered unconscious, there's a major crisis that is far worse than if you had a husband in the house. Same if something was to happen to their daughter - there's only one of you, so you can't leave your DD alone.

Given what you say about their parenting style, this wouldn't suit them at all.

I wouldn't bother asking because you won't get a straight answer.

they’re chilled about other peoples homes including sleepovers

It could be a some people are weird thing, or that they don't agree with the amount of freedom you'd give the teens. It could also be that for whatever reason the friend doesn't feel comfortable/ doesn't want to come round but feels comfortable with Dad's dad and it's easier to blame her parents.It could be that your DD doesn't want this friend round so tells you it's friend's parent having a boundary.

If the children are happy and having time as friends together then does it matter? Asking the parents on the spot isn't going to solve the situation.