To ask this family what their problem is?

[Callingat]

DD14 has a best friend “Annie”. Annie and DD have been friends since primary school. Now firmly best friends. They live in the same village as us.

I met Annie’s mother a few times during pick up at primary. I used wraparound care so only a few occasions.

I am divorced from DDs dad who is now remarried and lives around 10 mins ago.

Annies parents are strict, she wasn’t allowed to go on the year 6 residential as they don’t like her being away from home. She was only allowed a phone at 14 which is monitored beyond the normal means most people monitor phone/internet usage. Her mum or dad accompany her to the local town when she’s with her friends (they just hover 20 foot behind or sit outside the cinema).

OK fine, that’s up to them. However they do let their DD sleep over at DDs fathers house. They welcome DD into their home (she’s says they are perfectly nice just a bit intense).

Now I get that people are worried about sexual abuse of their kids, and absolutely agree it has a higher likelihood of happening with someone you’ve trusted - but the parents will not let her to my house at all. Everytime DD says do you want to come over she says she isn’t allowed. But everytime she asks if she wants to go to her dads house her parents say yes. Which makes no sense, I’m a single mother, there are no men here except my teenage son but he’s also at their dads so it can’t be that,

DD again asked her today and Annie messaged back 10 mins later to say her dad said yes but her mum said no.

AIBU to ask them what their bloody problem with me is?

Im a perfectly normal woman, single mother, 3 perfectly normal kids, a boring job and I like to knit and garden. I’m not running Fagans den or anything

does she go to other friends houses?

I can understand your frustration and defensiveness. I think I would now address it directly with the mum if I was you. I'd do it today.

I might say how eager my dd is to have her best friend to stay, and how much she and you would like to reciprocate their hospitality. I would say how disappointed both girls are that this has never been allowed to happen and ask what you can do to make the mum more comfortable with the idea.

I have got to say, she sounds weird and judgemental and as if she may have got some strangely distorted views about you.

Is your ex's house bigger or posher?

Do they know his new partner?

And surely they've given some reason to the daughter other than No?

🤦🏻‍♀️

Talk about mad clutches at straws - especially the allergies / anaphylactic shock one!

Do you drop your DD there? Can you ask then?

OP is probably clutching at straws though as there's no reasonable explanation

I'd imagine that yes, it's that you're a single mother, not married. Whereas ex is remarried.

I know, makes no sense. But I've certainly experienced elements of thjs.

I would contact the parents - not in an accusatory way, just to check what might be the issue / consider a solution.

She's worried the scarlet single mum might steal her husband.

OP is probably clutching at straws though as there's no reasonable explanatio

But she isn't? She's asking for an explanation but not inventing mad stuff like that poster.

I also wonder whether her dad is acceptable because he is in. A married unit and the mother thinks you being single maybe an issue. I have no idea just wondering.

I think if you ask her you may risk her stopping contact maybe.

The only other relevant issue is a comment DD made to me once.

She had been at theirs for a BBQ (mid-summer) and left around 6pm. Obviously not dark - it’s a 5 min walk to our house from theirs. Annies mum was not happy for her to walk and kept asking DD why I wasn’t picking her up, DD just laughed and said it’s only down the road. Annie’s mum asked her if I was at work and she said no she’s at home - Annie’s mum couldn’t understand why I wasn’t going to collect her and did DD want them to drive her instead.

Its half the walk DD does twice a day to get to the school bus stop,

So maybe they think I’m some awful lax parent who doesn’t care about their daughter roaming the streets at 6pm!

Mad as it sounds, it could just be judgement that you are a single mum. When I was a single mum, I would often feel a bit ostracised by certain mums at the school gates. Like they thought I was going to try to take their husbands from them, or I lived in poverty and chaos. There are people out there who still think like that.

I think it's the single mum thing. Folks are weird like that. Growing up, my best friends mum was like this. I wasn't allowed to come over, I wasn't even invited to birthday parties because my mum was single and our house was on the estate. My friend was really embarrassed by it.

are you the only single parent amongst this friendship group?

does the girl stay freely at other peoples homes beyond your ex’s?

and when Annie said her parents were strict, did you DD ask why her dad’s was ok?

is there the remotest chance your daughter doesn’t want her over to your house but doesn’t want to hurt your feelings so makes out Annie not allowed to?

DD has asked; she just says she doesn’t know

I worked a lot (I do work a lot still) when they were little. Maybe she’s worried I won’t be here and they’ll be unsupervised?

In your shoes I would directly invite her via her parents.
You've nowt to lose.

There will be a reason. Maybe your house smells? Maybe they don't like your job? Maybe they don't like you? Maybe you drink a lot? Maybe they've heard rumors about you? Who knows. But I'd just accept they don't want their daughter round your house

That's a point. Maybe DD is embarrassed of you/your house for whatever reason.

No DDs had loads of mates over.

Exs house is much bigger/posher but mine is fine - it’s just a normal village cottage. No neighbours, down a normal village lane

That could be it, they are so very protective of their DD and if they’re so embarrassing as to follow a 14yo around the shops, I’d say they’re determined to avoid situations where you would let their DD ‘walk home alone’.

I wouldn’t judge, they might have been victims of child abuse.

I’d probably try talking and slowly introduce the idea of how very, very careful you’d be with their DD and if they had any rules to follow to allow a brief visit, etc. Alternatively just enjoy the peace :)

They just aren't keen and they're unlikely to volunteer why this is. I'd let it go?

I've had this apparently it's because I was a whore she kept asking me my surname and rolling her eyes when we met because she thought I was just "pretending" to have been married it was only when I referenced my ex refusing to sign the divorce papers she tried to mention something it was heavily biased towards his dad though like "I assume you will be booking a wedding soon then?" No im not the one getting remarried...."erm why arnt you signing the papers then?" I have he won't....definite pause while she processed this so I let her off the hook and explained my ex loves to play games he is engaged to someone else refusing to sign the divorce papers while simultaneously telling everyone that I want him back and I won't sign I found it hilarious I also got my divorce

I remember seeing an interview with a woman who was almost kidnapped as a child. She never told her children about it but she was EXTREMELY paranoid and helicoptered her children a way that smothered them.

You’ve no idea what’s going on with someone else. There may be something in their past that is causing their behaviour. You’re assuming this is all about you. You need to accept how they parent and mind your own parenting.

so ex and wife have never left them unsupervised?