To ask this family what their problem is?

[Callingat]

DD14 has a best friend “Annie”. Annie and DD have been friends since primary school. Now firmly best friends. They live in the same village as us.

I met Annie’s mother a few times during pick up at primary. I used wraparound care so only a few occasions.

I am divorced from DDs dad who is now remarried and lives around 10 mins ago.

Annies parents are strict, she wasn’t allowed to go on the year 6 residential as they don’t like her being away from home. She was only allowed a phone at 14 which is monitored beyond the normal means most people monitor phone/internet usage. Her mum or dad accompany her to the local town when she’s with her friends (they just hover 20 foot behind or sit outside the cinema).

OK fine, that’s up to them. However they do let their DD sleep over at DDs fathers house. They welcome DD into their home (she’s says they are perfectly nice just a bit intense).

Now I get that people are worried about sexual abuse of their kids, and absolutely agree it has a higher likelihood of happening with someone you’ve trusted - but the parents will not let her to my house at all. Everytime DD says do you want to come over she says she isn’t allowed. But everytime she asks if she wants to go to her dads house her parents say yes. Which makes no sense, I’m a single mother, there are no men here except my teenage son but he’s also at their dads so it can’t be that,

DD again asked her today and Annie messaged back 10 mins later to say her dad said yes but her mum said no.

AIBU to ask them what their bloody problem with me is?

Im a perfectly normal woman, single mother, 3 perfectly normal kids, a boring job and I like to knit and garden. I’m not running Fagans den or anything

I bet the mother doesn’t alllow it because your ex is married and you are single!

I will ask them if they’d like to come for a cuppa whilst their DD comes over for the first time.

I'm another one who voted for the single mother possibility- sexism and prejudice which I've experienced from two school family 'friend's who were v friendly until I was asked how long my daughter's dad and I were married, and I said we share childcare and are on good terms but divorced. Both quite conservative, one Polish Catholic and church goers (I late found out they consider Halloween anti-Semitism and 'not my culture's etc-- it still hurtful, I find, though each to their own.

I think that Annie's mother may suffer from anxiety which she controls by knowing where Annie is at all times. Because your ex lives further away the girls must go and return by car which means no unscheduled wandering around the village.

She's likely to be embarrassed and won't tell you. It's not your fault.

I would put money on the fact that she doesn't want her to come to yours for fear that you'll let them roam the streets alone at 6pm or heaven forbid, let her go to town on their own.

I suppose you could call me some kind of officialdom

This could be it

I honestly think the following etc is emotionally or perhaps psychologically abusive.

@Callingat I think this is your answer. They think you don't share their views on safety

Their views may or may not be reasonable, but that doesn't matter. I wouldn't want my children going to a house where I didn't feel parents would keep them safe

If she is strict then maybe the bbq thing is where the issue is. She might think you don't supervise them enough according to her?

I was responding to the justification of their behaviour by comparing them to a person who was kidnapped as a child and being overly protective of their children now, also you agreeing to the poster.

Have they been to your home could you invite them or Mum for a cuppa while girls play so she can see it's a normal home no dark secrets? Or meet up while girls are in the cinema have a no pressure coffee?

I knew someone who was like this. Daughter got to 15 and started sneaking out, wagging school and vaping. Never ends well, being that controlling.

I think it’s the incident where your daughter walked home. They think that if she goes to your house she will just be allowed to roam all over the place unsupervised.

I don’t think there is any harm in having a polite conversation with the mother. Maybe via text so she isn’t put on the spot. Say that DD would love Annie to come over, you understand she is stricter than you and what could you do to make her feel comfortable? Say you will be home the entire time, you won’t let them go wandering round ect.

Not all 14 year olds need mobiles.

Not all? So some do?

I agree @Honeychickpea

They won’t see that girl for dust as soon as she’s 18.

Honestly OP it's completely weird. But the parents are mad as batshit anyway.

I hope their daughter doesn't kick back and go off the rails when's she older to getting away from the suffocation. We all know kids like this.

In your position, I honestly wouldn't care. You'd be on eggshells all night if she did stay. Your daughter isn't losing out, she has sleepovers with loads of other mates and she sees the girls at her dad's.

The only one losing out is the poor girl. Just be grateful if/when she does rebel you can not be blamed!

I don't understand why PPs are suggesting you get to know them. Who needs that kind of drama in their lives? The parents are nuts!

They sound awful! I’d actually be really insulted that they see you as not good enough for their daughter! What does your DD think? I’d be discouraging the friendship from her point of view. How nasty that her friend’s parents see you as beneath them. On the other hand - poor friend! Her parents sound controlling and abusive.

your DD has been close to her for many years now

is she at all concerned about her friend?

Are they conservative religious people who think men are trusted family and community leaders and single women to be avoided?

My dd had a friend whose parents were like this. DD was invited to her house often but she was never allowed to come to ours. I offered to pick them up from school and take her home afterwards but it was always a firm no.
One day dd came home really upset, the girl had told her she had overdosed on paracetamol over several days. I immediately rang the school who called the police. She did recover but she was in hospital for quite some time.

they called the police? rather than the parents and / or an ambulance??

Why inquire in the first plac? Even if it seems odd, it's their prerogative if they prefer their daughter not staying at your place. Try not to internalize it – it's not a reflection on you. Their friendship remains intact; if their daughter stays with your ex-partner, and DD goes to Annie, the bond persists. So, don't read too much into it; it's ultimately their decision regarding their daughter!

It sounds like they're judging you as others have said - possibly for being a single mum.
Is it worth suggesting taking both your daughter and her friend bowling or something very "safe' and then drop her home straight after. It gives you an opportunity to show yourself to the weird mum, even if you only get a minute to speak to her. Also I'm sure the friend will report how lovely I imagine you are 🙂.
Other than that, I think you just have to leave it.

Actually, I like what Tinder time said! 👍

Can I just say that this is your issue and not your DDs

If your DD is happy and wants to spend time with her Best Friend(!) then let them be together wherever they want -dont be THAT mum.