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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask this family what their problem is?

224 replies

Callingat · 27/01/2024 14:42

DD14 has a best friend “Annie”. Annie and DD have been friends since primary school. Now firmly best friends. They live in the same village as us.

I met Annie’s mother a few times during pick up at primary. I used wraparound care so only a few occasions.

I am divorced from DDs dad who is now remarried and lives around 10 mins ago.

Annies parents are strict, she wasn’t allowed to go on the year 6 residential as they don’t like her being away from home. She was only allowed a phone at 14 which is monitored beyond the normal means most people monitor phone/internet usage. Her mum or dad accompany her to the local town when she’s with her friends (they just hover 20 foot behind or sit outside the cinema).

OK fine, that’s up to them. However they do let their DD sleep over at DDs fathers house. They welcome DD into their home (she’s says they are perfectly nice just a bit intense).

Now I get that people are worried about sexual abuse of their kids, and absolutely agree it has a higher likelihood of happening with someone you’ve trusted - but the parents will not let her to my house at all. Everytime DD says do you want to come over she says she isn’t allowed. But everytime she asks if she wants to go to her dads house her parents say yes. Which makes no sense, I’m a single mother, there are no men here except my teenage son but he’s also at their dads so it can’t be that,

DD again asked her today and Annie messaged back 10 mins later to say her dad said yes but her mum said no.

AIBU to ask them what their bloody problem with me is?

Im a perfectly normal woman, single mother, 3 perfectly normal kids, a boring job and I like to knit and garden. I’m not running Fagans den or anything

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 27/01/2024 17:58

Your ex-H is married, you aren't ... in her eyes you are possibly a threat?

JaneAustensHeroine · 27/01/2024 17:59

I’d have to ask them OP. If when dropping my DD off I would have to start a conversation and perhaps invite them all over, friend, mum and dad for afternoon tea or something. I would say something about being pleased our daughters are friends - so important at their age….

My guess is that your DD has at some point disclosed that you allow her to do things they would disapprove of. Could be anything at all - staying up late, watching a film, drinking a glass of wine on Christmas Day, gaming, chewing gum….could be anything at all but enough for a very strict parent to think that is going to open the gates to rebellion…

Or maybe your DD has told them you occasionally swear or watch rubbish on the television… it really could be anything at all but enough for them to form a judgement about your character…

letsallmeetupinthehyear2000 · 27/01/2024 18:06

Hi OP how odd I’ve no advice I’m afraid but would love to know the reason - do update us if you ever find out!
your post did make me smile - the bit about you like to knit and garden” 🤣
maybe the husband has confessed to his wife he finds you irresistibly attractive and she won’t let her family darken your door lest you entice him round with your knitted garments !

Mimami · 27/01/2024 18:06

You could invite the whole family over for a cup of tea or a meal

Andthereyougo · 27/01/2024 18:10

Invite the parents and Annie over for lunch one weekend ?

JellyfishandShells · 27/01/2024 18:10

Any bias they may have against the mother for being single or preference for the father in a larger house can only be a matter of speculation but the DD has described the reaction of Annie’s mother towards her having a quick walk home, so it would be a reasonable conclusion that this lack of supervision is why she doesn’t want Annie in a house where such laxity (in her view) is the norm.

The OP’s ex lives another 10 minutes ( car or walk ? ) away so may have collected the DD when she is staying with him, so making him ‘safer’ in Annie’s parents eyes.(Now I’m speculating)

It’s going to backfire on Annie’s parents - my eldest DD told me about the lies and subterfuge employed by some girls from stricter cultural backgrounds than her at her school, getting into some risky situations when the parents had no idea where they really were.

letsallmeetupinthehyear2000 · 27/01/2024 18:10

Ps some years ago our DD had a friend whose parents were v religious - she was only ever allowed out for 2hr time slots and on the rare occasion she came to our house they prob used to wait round the corner ! I did get invited in for tea once at theirs and the grandma was visiting - they made me this delicious tea and then both stared and me while I drank it 🤣 I tried desperately to make conversation but it was bloody difficult with grandma just staring!
I assumed I was a novelty being an older divorced mum who went out after dark to pick her FD up on her own ! 😃

alpenguin · 27/01/2024 18:18

My friend wasn’t allowed at my house because my mum was a single parent. It was early 90s and I think my mum must have been THE only single parent in town as she was referred to as THE single parent by friends parents and the teachers at my school, in conversations they thought I didn’t hear.

My friends parents used to always drop me off because they didn’t want me walking after teatime too.

We were looked down on a lot. I’d have hoped it had changed.

PeppermintMandy · 27/01/2024 18:20

Maybe DD’s friend doesn’t actually want to come over to your house so is lying and saying she’s not allowed.

Not knowing her, you or what your home is like it’s impossible to say what that might be the case though.

SplendidUtterly · 27/01/2024 18:21

I think it's because you're a single parent. I had a friend like this in high-school. Her mother didn't like me, or like her DD coming to my house but she was ok with my friends OTHER friends who happen to not come from a single parent household.
When we were a bit older my friend confirmed that was the reason it use to happen. Also, like "Annie" her parents were very strict with her too. 😞

Shania7788 · 27/01/2024 18:22

I think I have misunderstood a bit of the story. Annie is not allowed to your house but she is allowed to your ex’s house? And your ex has a wife? I wonder if Annie is only allowed to the houses of people who are in relationships or married, but I don’t understand what the reasoning behind that would be

I once had a friend who had very strict parents too, although not quite as strict as this. I went to a little party at her house when I was about 11 and her parents wouldn’t let me get the bus home. They called me a taxi and put me in it, my mum was very unimpressed when I arrived and she had to pay the fare for the 30 min journey!

Famfirst · 27/01/2024 18:22

I wouldn't push it. My kids have always been told to use me as an excuse if they don't want to do something or go somewhere but feel awkward saying no directly. If I hear them saying my mum says no, I know that they've been asked to go somewhere they don't want to and I'll support them all the way.

Maybe leave it a while and take the pressure off. My guess is that it's nothing to do with the parents and the wee girl doesn't want to stay over for whatever reason.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/01/2024 18:24

My DDs had a friend whose parents had a “one parent” rule. So, their friend wasn’t allowed at our house as her parents met my ex first.

Apparently it was to stop them getting caught in the crossfire of any separated parents, but their first meet rule was illogical. They met my ex at the only birthday party drop off he did in three years…

caringcarer · 27/01/2024 18:29

peppertrees · 27/01/2024 15:52

As a foster carer (and other parents probably wouldn't know this as we have children long term) I am only allowed to let the children stay with people who are approved and are DRB checked. It seems unreasonable to ask their friend's parents to go through all this, and would also be breaking the children's confidences, so it is much easier to say no to an invitation. I expect people wonder why.

Yep, I'm a Foster Carer to a long term foster child too. His SW occasionally allows an overnight sleepover with his best friend. My FS is now 17 though. Up until he was 16 he wasn't allowed to.

clpsmum · 27/01/2024 18:30

Haven't rtft so sorry if somebody already suggested! I wouldn't ask what their problem is I'd invite them all over to meet you with a view to Annie being allowed in the future on her own

Abouttoblow · 27/01/2024 18:34

notjustthe · 27/01/2024 16:02

where no teen boy is present

this may be the source of concern ie mother assaulted by male teen

Show quote history

OP's DS is also there at the fathers house when her DD and the friend are .

whyalltheusernames · 27/01/2024 18:36

I was the girl that two of my friends parents didn't want their daughter hanging out with.
My mum was a single parent and we moved from a rougher area to a nice area, which I think was a problem but now I'm an adult I am aware that the friends would blame me if they did anything wrong. Got caught with ciggies, "oh they are whyalltheusernames"
Seen talking to a lad "oh he's whyalltheusernames mate"
I was seen as the bad influence and I've never smoked in my life 🤣

JessicasLavalier · 27/01/2024 18:41

@Shania7788

I wonder if Annie is only allowed to the houses of people who are in relationships or married, but I don’t understand what the reasoning behind that would be

I've answered this in my post - either fear/concern of unmarried person dating and having overnight male guests unknown to the parents or concern of difficulties/risk to child in an emergency situation (either emergency involving child or the single parent) where there is only one adult in the house so no second adult to take charge of the children/other child.

Iwantamarshmallowman · 27/01/2024 18:47

I would suspect they are concerned you could have a dodgy boyfriend they don't know about.

marmiteandminticecream · 27/01/2024 18:58

could you have a frenermy at the school and someone as said you have wild parties or smoke canabis or such like

TheaBrandt · 27/01/2024 19:00

Ha this would rile me too! It’s almost certain she perceives you as not supervising enough reckon the single mother angle is a red herring.

One friend was put out that her neighbour wouldn’t let her kids play with my friends perfectly average kids. Was hilarious as the friend is the most right on person ever a senior academic that assists with assessing food programs in the third world.

Having dealt with the general public for years I’ve learned that the majority are lovely reasonable people but there are a minority of lunatic nutters who will hate you. There’s not much you can do about it - it’s them not you!

girlfriend44 · 27/01/2024 19:02

Leave it ,it's their decision. Might well ruin the friendship if you get involved.

waffleyversatile1 · 27/01/2024 19:08

Years ago my ds then a teenager had a lovely friend who spent a lot of time at our house but ds never any time at his. I always offered to drop him home but the offer was politely declined. This went on for many years and I didn't give it too much thought. There was a situation one day where I was going to collect the friend for a day out. It was insisted that I collected him in the village next to the families farm. It came out that the parents were in a legal battle with the council that I worked for over an outbuilding that had been built without planning permission and didn't want ds or I to go to their home. I didn't even work in planning.

tachetastic · 27/01/2024 19:11

Callingat · 27/01/2024 14:42

DD14 has a best friend “Annie”. Annie and DD have been friends since primary school. Now firmly best friends. They live in the same village as us.

I met Annie’s mother a few times during pick up at primary. I used wraparound care so only a few occasions.

I am divorced from DDs dad who is now remarried and lives around 10 mins ago.

Annies parents are strict, she wasn’t allowed to go on the year 6 residential as they don’t like her being away from home. She was only allowed a phone at 14 which is monitored beyond the normal means most people monitor phone/internet usage. Her mum or dad accompany her to the local town when she’s with her friends (they just hover 20 foot behind or sit outside the cinema).

OK fine, that’s up to them. However they do let their DD sleep over at DDs fathers house. They welcome DD into their home (she’s says they are perfectly nice just a bit intense).

Now I get that people are worried about sexual abuse of their kids, and absolutely agree it has a higher likelihood of happening with someone you’ve trusted - but the parents will not let her to my house at all. Everytime DD says do you want to come over she says she isn’t allowed. But everytime she asks if she wants to go to her dads house her parents say yes. Which makes no sense, I’m a single mother, there are no men here except my teenage son but he’s also at their dads so it can’t be that,

DD again asked her today and Annie messaged back 10 mins later to say her dad said yes but her mum said no.

AIBU to ask them what their bloody problem with me is?

Im a perfectly normal woman, single mother, 3 perfectly normal kids, a boring job and I like to knit and garden. I’m not running Fagans den or anything

If this is a regular and consistent thing then it definitely sounds like they don't like you very much.

If you do decide to speak with them I would suggest inviting their DD over with a number of alternative dates, and if they say no to all of them, ask if there is anything wrong. If they say no, everything is fine, then I would just leave it at that. If you push it, they could get even stricter and it could end up spoiling your DD's friendship.

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 27/01/2024 19:25

Do you smoke?