To ask this family what their problem is?

[Callingat]

DD14 has a best friend “Annie”. Annie and DD have been friends since primary school. Now firmly best friends. They live in the same village as us.

I met Annie’s mother a few times during pick up at primary. I used wraparound care so only a few occasions.

I am divorced from DDs dad who is now remarried and lives around 10 mins ago.

Annies parents are strict, she wasn’t allowed to go on the year 6 residential as they don’t like her being away from home. She was only allowed a phone at 14 which is monitored beyond the normal means most people monitor phone/internet usage. Her mum or dad accompany her to the local town when she’s with her friends (they just hover 20 foot behind or sit outside the cinema).

OK fine, that’s up to them. However they do let their DD sleep over at DDs fathers house. They welcome DD into their home (she’s says they are perfectly nice just a bit intense).

Now I get that people are worried about sexual abuse of their kids, and absolutely agree it has a higher likelihood of happening with someone you’ve trusted - but the parents will not let her to my house at all. Everytime DD says do you want to come over she says she isn’t allowed. But everytime she asks if she wants to go to her dads house her parents say yes. Which makes no sense, I’m a single mother, there are no men here except my teenage son but he’s also at their dads so it can’t be that,

DD again asked her today and Annie messaged back 10 mins later to say her dad said yes but her mum said no.

AIBU to ask them what their bloody problem with me is?

Im a perfectly normal woman, single mother, 3 perfectly normal kids, a boring job and I like to knit and garden. I’m not running Fagans den or anything

To be fair I don’t think I’d want to put an 11 year old girl on a bus either but now I’m wondering if my risk assessment is all off 😕

They’re weird and asking them why they’re weird won’t make them less weird. The DD will know, she just doesn’t want to answer and is being being polite. It is very much their problem.

Are they witnesses? Although unless your ex is that wouldn't explain the disparity. Is this child celebrating Halloween? I ask because dd1 has a friend with some restrictions due to religion although she stays at my house. I have tried to ask her gently about things but she's quite evasive so I didn't push. I know the mum but she's not been explicit either so I'm none the wiser. Dd1 tells me it's religion though.

They might think a two-adult household is safer if something goes wrong, eg if a child becomes sick, there’s another responsible person there. A bias against single parents, I’d feel.

I think this could be a good starting point.

I've had a similar problem in the past. Instead of getting indignant I would go the other way... invite the parents over with their daughter for Sunday lunch or something like that! Why not invite your ex husband and wife too if you get on with them. Put on a show of solidarity and normalcy. And if that doesn't work stop letting your daughter go to their house and ask your ex to do the same until it's a two way street

I thought this too

He fancies the pants off ya, OP!

DD again asked her today and Annie messaged back 10 mins later to say her dad said yes but her mum said no.

Does the mum have a problem with single women, for some reason?

Both parents sound insane to be honest.

Since they sound pretty odd, my guess is it's because you are a single, divorced woman. Your DH has married again so is now considered respectable. Blooming bonkers but I would stop worrying about it. If it isn't interfering with the friendship, I'd just ignore, however irritating. I feel a bit sorry for their daughter though.

Could there have been something happen in mum or dads past .that happened when at a friends.house ?

Whatever the reason, I would stop asking as it makes your daughter sound desperate. Also, I’d gently and empathetic ally discourage this friendship (and if DD has other friends, encourage those more).
14 does sound old to be arranging play dates and if meeting in town will be too controlled by friend’s parents it might be better if they didn’t go out of their way to meet at all.

are you fat @Callingat
I had this when my DS was in primary school. I'm fat so therefore I was deemed by one parent to be some sort of lesser human, full of moral turpitude and not fit to be acknowledged let alone made friends with.
I eventually found out what the problem was from another parent. It's a real thing.

This is entirely possible. I have no idea if she is embarrassed about it though. She may genuinely require that her daughter is picked up and dropped off by car at all times.

@Callingat

Do you smoke?

Are you fat?

someone actually said ”they don’t like you because you’re fat”?

i suspect your DD has exaggerated the freedoms she is allowed with her mum

or

your DD has told her stuff about what her teen brother is up to that the OP herself is not privy to

It's more than not 'liking' you, it's a deep seated prejudice that a lot of people have that fat people are lazy, slovenly, slothful, sinful etc etc, not worthy of their time or attention, to be mocked or judged. Sub human even.
I've been spat on by youths before.

Happens all the time

yes but doesn’t answer my question

you said another parent told you that the other parents didn’t like you because you were fat

what wording did she use?!!

It could be that the daughter doesn’t want to come round or stay over, and saying her parents won’t allow her is easier, and causes less upset. In the meantime just accept the answer you been given and respect the parents wishes.

I see, sorry, she told me that x was not interested in talking to me or making friends with me because she thought I was not the sort of person she wanted to be friends with. When my friend pushed her she apparently admitted that she thinks fat people are weak-willed and doesn't want to be associated with them.

Presumably she thinks it's catching 😁

It's very judgemental, I remember reading an article written by Giles Coren where he stated the same thing, basically fat people are morally repugnant.
I take steroids for rhumatoid arthritis and inject insulin, very morally repugnant indeed, sigh.

@notjustthe The Giles Coren article is no longer available but here's a thread about it
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3083323-giles-coren-aibu-to-want-to-punch-him-in-the-face

My xh's logic, in similar circumstances, went like this:

• my dd is most likely to be harmed by a dodgy man (yes)
• I know Georgia's dad & have hung out with him at footy practice. He's sound. I would know if he was a pervert (er...how?). Also his sundry transient girlfriends are unlikely to be dangerous as they're female (ok).
• Georgia's mum might conceivably have a different bloke back every week. Assuming this to be the case, some of them will be evil perverts because blokes (yes men far more likely to be dangerous, THEREFORE Georgia's mum & I were definitely on the same page re not simultaneously hosting kid sleepovers & adult hookups because d'uh, we aren't idiots).
• therefore dd can sleep at Georgia's dad's place, but not at Georgia's mum's house.

Georgia's dad had a LOT of short term youthful girlfriends & a tendency to park Georgia & dd on them, which always seemed jolly unfair on every female person involved.

So - & I agree it's unfair in the extreme - you are very likely being seen as some sort of trollopey loose cannon with a trailing cast of dubious boyfriends. Grrrr.

Well in that case she might not be able to get to or from school or meet up with her friends or go to parties. I guess it depends on maturity level but I think it’s a reasonable age to travel alone in a safe town

There are children up and down the country travelling to school on buses and trains every single day from the age of 11. DD has been getting the tube since that age as have the vast majority of her friends. The ones who don't get the tube have been doing buses from that age. She's not far off 18 now and I'm far happier with her on public transport (usually with friends, but am also happier if she is alone) than in a car with a taxi driver you know nothing about. So I do think your risk assessment might be a bit off.