To ask this family what their problem is?

[Callingat]

DD14 has a best friend “Annie”. Annie and DD have been friends since primary school. Now firmly best friends. They live in the same village as us.

I met Annie’s mother a few times during pick up at primary. I used wraparound care so only a few occasions.

I am divorced from DDs dad who is now remarried and lives around 10 mins ago.

Annies parents are strict, she wasn’t allowed to go on the year 6 residential as they don’t like her being away from home. She was only allowed a phone at 14 which is monitored beyond the normal means most people monitor phone/internet usage. Her mum or dad accompany her to the local town when she’s with her friends (they just hover 20 foot behind or sit outside the cinema).

OK fine, that’s up to them. However they do let their DD sleep over at DDs fathers house. They welcome DD into their home (she’s says they are perfectly nice just a bit intense).

Now I get that people are worried about sexual abuse of their kids, and absolutely agree it has a higher likelihood of happening with someone you’ve trusted - but the parents will not let her to my house at all. Everytime DD says do you want to come over she says she isn’t allowed. But everytime she asks if she wants to go to her dads house her parents say yes. Which makes no sense, I’m a single mother, there are no men here except my teenage son but he’s also at their dads so it can’t be that,

DD again asked her today and Annie messaged back 10 mins later to say her dad said yes but her mum said no.

AIBU to ask them what their bloody problem with me is?

Im a perfectly normal woman, single mother, 3 perfectly normal kids, a boring job and I like to knit and garden. I’m not running Fagans den or anything

@Callingat Another consideration might be their perspective on working moms. Is Annie's mom a working mom? Is your ex's wife also employed? I know in my culture, it’s considered just not great- and I live in Canada but most of the people from my country have stay at home moms/wives (I work full time) and somehow they think stay at home moms are always better moms. (Off course… 🙄🙄) My apologies if this has already been addressed.

To support your child's friendship .....some parents need the security of knowing the people close to their child. Some have historical shit going on and need reassurance

I hate that unfairness and rudeness. It does sound as if she has taken a dislike if you, totally unfairly and taking it out on you and her daughter. I think it’s really rude of her and sorry. Some people are self opinionated twats. Can’t your ex say something? I’d be furious.

You won’t be the only one who has noticed how weird these people are. I wouldn’t rock the boat by confronting them as it may sour the friendship between your DD and the girl. Just encourage your DD to carry on being a good friend to her.
However, I would feel insulted if a friend of my DD was not allowed in my house.

Divorced,woman álways are judged much harder than divorced men. Yóú didn't make it work, right? So you must be......oh whatever but I'm not dropping my child at your house 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

Is it because they don't approve of single women? Perhaps they have old fashioned religious views and think a woman living alone must be sinful.
But no I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask why she isn't allowed at your house

Why don't you know them after all these years? It's always better to get to know your kid's friends and their parents. Suggest that now your daughter is a teenager, and spending so much time at their house, you'd like to get to know them better. Ask to pop round for a chat or would they like to come to yours? Be nice. Be friendly. Don't be confrontational. If they are reluctant to meet you, that is a problem you will have to deal with. But one step at a time.

Yes, I reckon you're seen as too lax a parent after the walking home thing. I once had a friend offer to take mine to the park where I was going to meet them in a few minutes. I was horrified when they weren't in the park and it turned out she'd gone into town first! I wouldn't let mine be looked after by her again.

I also had a Mum put mine in hospital due to an allergy she knew about AND hers had a bloomin' nut allergy. Obviously even my kid didn't want that happening again!

I'm not saying you are like that but it's clearly how they see you. It probably can't get mended and I wouldn't bother asking.

As a single mum too, I face similar issues with coupled parents.

I’ve come to the conclusion that the dads don’t usually have issues with our kids being together. But the mums, oh the mums. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I’m somewhat attractive; I go gym often, put time and effort into my hair/ makeup (always have really) and get told I’m younger than my age often. My theory is that most of these mums are pretty insecure and because I am single, they’ve made up stories in their head and think I’ll be stealing their man through our kids. Absurd but I really do think so. My mum agrees with me too and she’s met some of these mums.

So if you’re a mum and meet a single mum, please don’t be threatened without any valid reason.

Yes I’m single, but I’m not desperate for any man.

But if they have been friend since primary school has she never been to your house in 8 yrs?
Was this incident recent? I think if that was my DD and she was primary age I probably would have picked her up.

Does Ex a have DD set days? Is it the case that he has her weekends ..which are acceptable for sleepovers etc, and you have week nights?

I agree OP I’m sorry if they are being weird and judgy
but it says more about her parents than you
(unless you are secretly running a brothel in your basement you forgot to mention of course !)

Can she maybe be religious or extremely conservative and see you being a bad example for being a single mum ?
it’s absolutely ridiculous but I wonder if that is the reason

Must admit that I was going to say something like this. Realistically, getting to know these parents isn't going to enhance your life. They already disapprove of you (probably for weird reasons). Anything you do that deviates from what they would do will be judged harshly. They aren't going to experience an epiphany as a result of having tea and cake with you.

If her daughter is not allowed to come round to your house, so what? Other friends do. This sounds like their problem, not yours.

I used to have a friend a bit like this. They didn't supervise closely (because they couldn't be bothered) but they would try to tell me their daughter's rules (because they didn't trust her to follow them). It really isn't yours or your daughter's job to enforce their rules or level of supervision.

I had a friend at school whose parents were a carbon copy of this couple; little did they know, but their helicopter parenting either didn't prevent/or was the reason for their daughter having quite a number of boyfriends - non of whom they were aware of.

Do the parents know you? Maybe they’ve spent time with your ex so feel they know him?

I would backpeddle a bit and say to the mum along the lines that you and her haven’t had an opportunity to get to know one another and would she like to come over soon for a cuppa?

see how that goes.

Sounds like a nice idea but personally I couldn’t be bothered with these weirdos. Life’s too short.

Could it be a racial issue? Are you all white British, born and bred locally or there are variations?
I also wonder if they know your ex from somewhere or even more possible his new wife.
And there is always a possibility that someone’s told them something, not necessarily your ex but e.g another mum at primary, they clearly got a wrong impression about you from somewhere.

fellow single mother here…

it could be very simple - it could be because they have met and talked to your ex and feel comfortable letting their daughter go there, but they have not got to know you.

Why don’t you go round and speak to the Mum? Just invite Annie over and say what you have planned and then wait for her reaction? Then if she says no you can ask her why not? Maybe she doesn’t want Annie to see how you are with your daughter. As the Dad said yes, it’s sounds like he’s the easy going parent, so therefore she doesn’t see your DDs Dad as a threat. Maybe she’s worried her DD will think badly of her?

This was my thought. I do know a few people who automatically assume that single mothers are...less than virtuous, based on nothing whatsoever.

Could you invite the daughter around with her mother to stay for coffee just to break the ice?
where I live, I could totally see the parents wanting the daughter going to the big posh house as opposed to the cottage, they are incredibly up their own arses where I live. Could it be that?

Off topic, but I wish more parents made their children hold off till 14/15 before handing them a smartphone with full access to the internet

Also I suspect they just don’t think you’ll watch them
closely enough or look after them well enough. Although I can’t answer why they’d assume your ex would 🤷🏻‍♀️

my daughter is 9. She’s not allowed to go to her pals house because her mum lets them play unsupervised in the woods and I’m not comfortable with it.

I’m far more interested in your ex living 10 minutes ago! If I had the power to time-travel, I like to think I’d do something a bit more exciting! 😉

(Sorry, I know you meant 10 miles away and I know my response is not helpful, but the idea of someone living 10 minutes ago just tickled me for some reason!)