To ask this family what their problem is?

[Callingat]

DD14 has a best friend “Annie”. Annie and DD have been friends since primary school. Now firmly best friends. They live in the same village as us.

I met Annie’s mother a few times during pick up at primary. I used wraparound care so only a few occasions.

I am divorced from DDs dad who is now remarried and lives around 10 mins ago.

Annies parents are strict, she wasn’t allowed to go on the year 6 residential as they don’t like her being away from home. She was only allowed a phone at 14 which is monitored beyond the normal means most people monitor phone/internet usage. Her mum or dad accompany her to the local town when she’s with her friends (they just hover 20 foot behind or sit outside the cinema).

OK fine, that’s up to them. However they do let their DD sleep over at DDs fathers house. They welcome DD into their home (she’s says they are perfectly nice just a bit intense).

Now I get that people are worried about sexual abuse of their kids, and absolutely agree it has a higher likelihood of happening with someone you’ve trusted - but the parents will not let her to my house at all. Everytime DD says do you want to come over she says she isn’t allowed. But everytime she asks if she wants to go to her dads house her parents say yes. Which makes no sense, I’m a single mother, there are no men here except my teenage son but he’s also at their dads so it can’t be that,

DD again asked her today and Annie messaged back 10 mins later to say her dad said yes but her mum said no.

AIBU to ask them what their bloody problem with me is?

Im a perfectly normal woman, single mother, 3 perfectly normal kids, a boring job and I like to knit and garden. I’m not running Fagans den or anything

@notjustthe
We don't know the reason but still...
It would be more understandable if they'd said no to sleepovers period, but singling OP out seems very strange.

And can you imagine the life this poor girl is living though? So controlled and restricted, with parents following her meeting friends at age 14?
My DC would refuse to go out at all/would rather die if I'd tried to do anything like that!

‘Asking them what their problem is’ sounds a bit confrontational, @Callingat - but you could give them a ring and say something like “Sophie would love to have Helen over for dinner/movie night/whatever - but I gather you aren’t happy about her coming here. Is there anything I can do or say to make you feel more comfortable with it?’

Yes sorry I think it could be because you are single! Awful as that sounds. I wouldn’t ask them what their problem is either.

Try reading the OP again. These parents are allowing their DD to go to OP's ex's house

where no teen boy is present

this may be the source of concern ie mother assaulted by male teen

You've "huge admiration and respect" for them because they won’t allow their child to be around a single mother??????? At least try to sound convincing

There is, ops son goes to his dads too.

@notjustthe Someone else who hasn't RTFT! 🤦‍♀️ The teen DS goes to OP's ex's house!! Ya know, his DF!!!!

This crossed my mind too.

I don't think it's the single mom thing. Suspect it has something to do with them thinking you are too lenient or not attentive enough (5 min walk alone)

I think it’s that they’re worried they’ll be unsupervised/you won’t be there.

Or, when I was a teenager, plenty of kids used to go out and hang round the streets of an evening. My mum refused to let me go to a particular friends house because she knew that’s what she did and what we’d be doing if I went there. I don’t know if that still happens, but if it does could your daughter be doing that? And they don’t want Annie to do it so won’t let her round?

It's unfair to assume its because OP is single.

yes but if they’re worried about supervision and theres a disturbing back story to what the mother or another relative has experienced….

added to which, other parents will be single parents

i am
a single parent and never got the whiff of this being the case

sorry Op, I also think it’s a single mother issue. And that you didn’t pick your dd up that time. To that batshit mum that probably confirmed her prejudice of you as not being as good/caring/responsible a mum as a married one. You could ask in the nice way that people have suggested “how can I put your mind at rest”, personally I’d not be making any such effort. Annie will resent her parents for it and prob tell them so when she’s old enough to.

Could it be that Annie doesn't want to come to your house and uses her parents as an excuse? It's easier to say 'mum won't let me' instead of 'I don't like your mums cooking' (for example)

Do you drink at home OP? Some parents have a major fear of their daughters drinking alcohol and becoming fallen women.
No judgement on you but some parents are seriously weird about alcohol. Your DD may have innocently commented that you enjoy a glass of wine and they have labelled you as a soak.
The level of overprotectiveness would suggest that they would not drink incase anything happens and they need to drive. They may feel that their DD would be at risk if you had a glass of wine.
Batshit but plausible. Each to their own. DS was spiked 12 mnths ago ( he was 18 and drinking legally and quite sensibly) I was so glad I hadn’t had a drink during the evening. But your DD and her friend are years away from that sort of situation.

One of my DD’s best friend’s family is like this and this would definitely be a reason they wouldn’t let her go to someone’s house. I had something similar and initially got really hurt by it, but I’ve found over the years it’s best to leave it be. My DD has found other friends now, thankfully, whose parents are more on the same wavelength as me.

It could well be something like that. Once they have you pegged as ‘irresponsible’ in some way that label will stick. They probably worry you’ll let the girls walk somewhere by themselves in the evening, which is something that they don’t agree with.

As you’re a single parent, they might also worry you’ll be working or leave them alone as you have no partner to do chores/pop out.

I think it sounds more a long the lines of them being old school and thinking married couple=👍, single mother=👎

Cant think of another reason and pretty narrow minded if that is the case.

@Nanny0gg

Her parents seem to have rules and they are sticking to them. No one (including the OP) knows the background here. Not all 14 year olds need mobiles. It's their parenting choice and unless there is some missing information in this what's wrong with being a strict parent?
Good on them.

I’m guessing teen brother. You said he’s always at his dad’s but they wouldn’t know that.

I agree with the posters who think it's a single-mother thing. My MIL is a single mother and the judgement she'd get from otherwise perfectly nice people when they found out she didn't have a husband around astounds me. It wasn't all overt either, just women being slightly less friendly when they found out she didn't have a partner, like they were worried she'd be stealing their husbands... it sucks but sometimes it's better to leave it - they're not on your wavelength and you won't change them. It's horrible to feel judged from afar, but you can't please everyone unfortunately!

I think you just have to put it down to 'some people are weird' and leave it at that. It could be literally anything - judgment, paranoia, whatever.

I've had a similar thing happen. My DC (similar age) was good friends with a child from their class and they spent plenty of time at both our and their houses, sleepovers, birthday parties, hanging out. Then last summer they were here at DC's birthday party which I thought went well, did my best for everyone, BUT I can be a little socially awkward at times due to anxiety, and sometimes my behaviour can reflect that (not diagnosed as ND but it's not impossible). I remember this child developed some sort of issue mid-party and I tried my best to make them comfortable and included but I also remember the child and another child starting to be quite uppity towards me.

Since the party there has been a slow fade. My child was not invited to this child's birthday party (despite the child having personally invited my child who actually bought a present and card...only for no invitation to arrive!), no more playdates, every text to the mum asking if they could hang out was met with a curt 'no' or an excuse so in the end I gave up. Even offers of lifts to school were met with quite unceremonious 'no's.

I always assumed that it was my fault somehow for coming across awkward in some way at the party (sometimes I do) and the children perhaps making up some reason as to why and this possibly being communicated to the parents, one of whom may have decided to terminate the friendship. Or I could be imagining all of this. But the slow fade has definitely happened and has been hurtful. Luckily my child has other friends and is OK, but still. My take on it was that the parent in question was judgmental but I will never know why.

Maybe they just don’t like you…who knows. Either way, ultimately Annie is their child and, as long as they’re not being abusive (doesn’t appear so), they can parent her how they want to. You never know what’s in their background that might have affected them and led them to be so protective.