She said I am insinuating her 4 year old is a pervert

[Strawberrybubbble]

Hello,

My 4 year old daughter has recently started using words to describe her private areas with words I have never used before.

In particular referring to her chest as boobies (not the most offensive I know but just not a word I or her father have ever used) and more grimly fanny.

I had a conversation with her last night just to find out where she had picked these words up - she said another 4 year old boy at her school (she used his name) kept asking her to show him her boobies and fanny. I told her she should not do this and they were hers and hers only.

Anyway, I told her father who has told his cousin immediately (he does have form for not keeping his mouth shut). Said cousin, is good friends with the 4 year old boys mum so it has now got back to her.

I was going to have a chat with her myself on Monday morning just to tell her what my daughter has said (I'd want to know - he has been saying this to 'all the girls' apparently).

Well, she has hit the roof. Said we are disgusting, we are implying her son is a pervert etc., we are wrong in the head, he is 4 years old.

That's absolutely not what we said - we questioned where they were picking up this language and where he had heard it.

Now, I know you can't take a 4 year olds word for certain every time but it is not anything we have ever said, she is not left to her own devices to watch anything unsupervised where she would have picked this up and is only ever looked after at nursery and by my parents (cannot imagine them using that language for a second). She was very clear in naming this boy.

Not sure where to go from here really. I would of liked to just let this mum know myself but my husband and his cousin have jumped in.

What would you make of this? My daughter is my oldest so not experienced this yet, not sure of a suitable reaction other than reminding her, her private parts are hers and hers only.

You should have gone to school and ask them to investigate.

I’m not surprised that the mum was defensive as many would be.

Seems like quite a strong reaction from the mum. I'd be wondering why that is. But yes you should have gone to the school.

He probably is asking, but it's a natural curiosity at this age. Perhaps someone has been explaining the difference between girl and boy anatomy etc.

School. First thing on Monday. Don't engage with the other parent until after you've spoken to the safeguarding team at school - massive safeguarding red flag.

Speak to the nursery immediately (if this is where it is happening)

You seem to be focused o the language and not the fact a four year old is asking to se her boobies and fanny. It is not on for him to ask this at all no matter whether the words are non approved by you

I don't think the words are the end of the world but him asking to see boobs and fannys is not only not ok but is also a safeguarding red flag for the boy himself. I would speak to school on Monday about this. I would also talk about the underpants rule to your daughter.

You never speak with the other child's parent - straight to school on Monday and speak to the teacher about it.

it's not the specific words per se, it's the fact I know they are not words we have ever used at home to describe private areas, hence reinforcing the fact she has almost certainly heard this elsewhere - I mentioned as I imagined that would be one of the first things asked - could she have overheard something at home/watched something etc.

Yes straight to the school or nursery. Do not engage with the parent about this - if they try to, just say firmly, 'I'd rather the school deal with this please'. It's s shame your husband and his cousin jumped in like this but it's happened now. It's probably no cause for concern, the 4-year old boy has probably heard it from elder siblings or cousins, but he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that telling girls to show him their boobies and fanny is utterly inappropriate. Weird reaction from the mum too - if this were me, I'd be mortified and want to stop him from doing this!

There are separate issues here. Boobies and fanny are words you don’t personally like, but they’re just harmless euphemisms (and I don’t really understand why e.g. “Minnie” is supposedly an acceptable name for small girls to refer to their vulvas but “Fanny” grim, tbh.) The language is not a problem. His family just use different words to yours.

Asking to look at other children’s genitals is what you need to focus on. Many small children are fascinated by bums and private parts and how boys and girls have different ones, it’s not necessarily a sign of anything concerning. I can see why his mum may have been upset if that’s what you were implying about her son. You need to speak with the nursery so they can reinforce appropriate boundaries about parts of the body which are private and not for sharing, without doing it confrontationally. I can guarantee they will have had this situation dozens of times before.

Your husband’s a dick (to use another word in that family!)

Did he tell the cousin because he knew that cousin was friends with the family?

What a bloody shit stirrer.

Just speak the nursery and ignore the boy’s family. You’ve done nothing wrong and it seems pretty likely that your DD is telling the truth.

Using those words is mostly fine for 4 year olds. Maybe not "fanny" so much because that's a bit old fashioned these days and slightly more vulgar - but boobs/boobies is really normal.
However.....a 4 year old asking to see another 4 year olds private parts is worrying.
That should mean a chat with the school safeguarding person.

I agree with others that you're really focussing on the wrong issue here. The language is fine. Asking her to show him is not. This is the bit that should cause concern.

You go to the school and speak directly to them, you never raise it with the parent directly.

You then speak to your husband about growing up and not gossiping about this sort of thing. Him and his cousin have been ridiculous.

I have explained the reason I zoned in on the language - it is merely to highlight she has not picked it up in the home.

She’s not “focusing on the wrong issue”.

It was hearing her daughter use unfamiliar words that alerted them to the fact that someone had been speaking to her about genitals and prompted them to speak to the DD and find out about what the boy had been asking her to do. She knows what the real issue is.

Edited- cross post OP!

You have to wonder where this boy is picking this up. At home I would guess, which is unacceptable.

It's not the words that are the problem here.

It's the fact this kid is asking to see "boobs and fannies". It's a safeguarding risk for both your daughter but also the boy who shouldn't be asking stuff like that so why is he? It needs reporting to school or nursery who should be flagging it as a potential safe guarding concern.

Report this to the school. They can do an investigation and will soon make the parent realise how serious the child’s behaviour is and that you aren’t the only people who see it as an inappropriate.

Clearly you should not be spreading rumours, even by accident. Who else has cousin told? Address it with the school and allow them to follow the Safeguarding process.

@Strawberrybubbble people should never speak those kind of words in front of children!! that is bad parenting. secondly, I hope your husband understands the consequences of his big mouth! he really should have not said anything to a cousin at all!!!! you hubby has made the situation ten times worse with his loose tongue, though why he would immediately tell his cousin is beyone me!!

She's at school, of course they hear lots of new words other kids say. Fanny really isnt particularly rude, teacher will probably do a lesson on private parts and not asking to see others'.

If he has said this to your daughter in nursery/school it is them you need to speak to.

Yeah I think some people are missing the point with your emphasis on the language used, despite you explaining.

I could see why you were highlighting the language, perhaps it’s because I worked in social services and education. So we sometimes did a bit of “investigation” work when these things happened to try and figure out where certain behaviour was likely to have came from.

I agree with pp though that you need to go straight to the school and raise this as it could be a safeguarding matter and either the boy needs to be spoken to. As I said, I used to work in social services and I’m always uneasy when kids are like this although I know some claim it’s natural development. Your husband and his cousin didn’t do the right thing but you can’t turn back the clock on that.

A boy forcefully kissed me when I was 6 and I was very upset. Thankfully I told my mum who took it seriously and sorted it out at the school. I had two older brothers and it’s definitely not how they behaved /were raised to behave.

Keep teaching your child about bodily privacy and safety etc.

I suspect the mother is aware of how her son is and she’s exaggerating what you said to deflect from the problem.

Report it to school. Asking to see genitals is a big red flag.

Did your husband know his cousin was a good friend of the boy's mum? If yes then he's a shit-stirring idiot!
Of course it's alarming and a safeguarding issue but the mum shouldn't have heard this from idiots that couldn't keep their mouths shut, instead of speaking to the nursery.