She said I am insinuating her 4 year old is a pervert

[Strawberrybubbble]

Hello,

My 4 year old daughter has recently started using words to describe her private areas with words I have never used before.

In particular referring to her chest as boobies (not the most offensive I know but just not a word I or her father have ever used) and more grimly fanny.

I had a conversation with her last night just to find out where she had picked these words up - she said another 4 year old boy at her school (she used his name) kept asking her to show him her boobies and fanny. I told her she should not do this and they were hers and hers only.

Anyway, I told her father who has told his cousin immediately (he does have form for not keeping his mouth shut). Said cousin, is good friends with the 4 year old boys mum so it has now got back to her.

I was going to have a chat with her myself on Monday morning just to tell her what my daughter has said (I'd want to know - he has been saying this to 'all the girls' apparently).

Well, she has hit the roof. Said we are disgusting, we are implying her son is a pervert etc., we are wrong in the head, he is 4 years old.

That's absolutely not what we said - we questioned where they were picking up this language and where he had heard it.

Now, I know you can't take a 4 year olds word for certain every time but it is not anything we have ever said, she is not left to her own devices to watch anything unsupervised where she would have picked this up and is only ever looked after at nursery and by my parents (cannot imagine them using that language for a second). She was very clear in naming this boy.

Not sure where to go from here really. I would of liked to just let this mum know myself but my husband and his cousin have jumped in.

What would you make of this? My daughter is my oldest so not experienced this yet, not sure of a suitable reaction other than reminding her, her private parts are hers and hers only.

Defuse it with the mother. "Oh gosh I'm so sorry, <cousin> can be so OTT at times can't he! DD was just using words that we don't use at home, we don't have a problem with the words we just asked her where she'd heard them and she said it was <boy>. Sounds like whatever made its way to you has been blown all out of proportion! Really sorry if you thought we were insinuating anything, we weren't at all. <Platitudes about looking forward to X's party, school event, whatever>

Then speak to nursery about it and explain why you're concerned.

Thank you.

I will have a chat on Monday morning with them.

You probably wont know what was said/implied to the other mum by the cousin, it could be anything from being told her 4 year old was being curious so might be worth having a chat, to an over protective your 4 year old was teaching our 4 year old disgusting words and trying to manipulate her to expose herself, or it could have been something in between.

If you are both reasonable, and listen to each other, it should be quickly sorted out.

Let the teacher know to just keep an eye on them both, and talk to your dd about privacy and speaking to the teacher when it happens, be careful how you position it as you dont want her worried about things like mixed changing for pe.

I don’t get why you need to reiterate the fact that she must have picked the words up outside the home? You know where she picked them up — she told you. She is repeating what the boy said to her.

Because other posters have said, even after I said this the first time, that I am focusing on the wrong thing.

It's not the words, it's the breaching of boundaries that is worrying.

Sexual abuse in schools is predominantly a male on female thing.

The boy needs to be taught boundaries. Not to ask to see or touch other people's bodies.

You did the right think teaching your DD about hers, the boys also needs to be taught this.

PP seem to be struggling why this is a safeguarding concern:

1. your daughter shouldn't be asked to show private parts of her body
2. no 4yo should be asking other children to show private parts of the body. The fact that this boy is could be an indicator that he is being sexually abused, either directly or by witnessing sexual abuse of others.

Of course (and hopefully!) there may be an innocent explanation, but this needs to be reported to school ASAP

It's because you keep saying she didn't hear the words at home as if that matters! If she came home and said 'someone asked to see my nipples and vagina' (or whatever words you use) it'd be just as wrong. It was the long paragraph explaining how you would never say those words that's made everyone focus on the language.

This is a safeguarding concern from a few points of view.

Your DH is a moron to be polite.
as is his cousin.

address it with the nursery and do not engage in discussion with the mother of the boy.

The school needs to investigate why a 4yo is asking to see others' genitals. It's much more likely that he's a victim of sexual abuse himself than a budding sexual predator

Well the mum was going to be upset as you said her child is saying to another child- show me your privates. It was never going to go well.

Speak to the school. Don't engage with the parent

Your husband is a fucking idiot. Kids saying stuff like this could be innocent; he could be copying something he has heard. Or it could be a sign of something going on with that child. When you hear something like this, your first two thoughts should be to protect your child and then to protect that child. Which is why you go to the school and speak in confidence to them. Your husband went and called his cousin? Who then called up the parents, and it’s probably going round in gossip with others now too. Those poor children. This isn’t entertainment fodder for adults; this is about two kids, and one who could have any number of things going on with him. Could just be a little boy who doesn’t really understand what he is saying and copying adults around him but it could be something worse, and your husband and cousin think it’s ok to gossip and spread it about? You should all be really ashamed of yourselves. Your husband is a complete fool. I hope he matures and learns what is appropriate and what isn’t when dealing with things regarding children because he needs to grow up. What an awful family for other parent’s to deal with. If something is going on, it is no longer something which will be dealt with in confidence with the school. Well done.

Yep. The one I’m worried about here is the 4 yo boy- sexual behaviour is a major red flag and indicates he is being sexually abused. Express this concern to school safeguarding as it needs investigating

It’s like banging your head against a brick wall!

The child did not come home and say “X asked to see my fanny and boobies”

She started using the words boobies and fanny in other contexts, perhaps at bath time such as “I’ll wash my boobies now”.

This prompted the parents to ask how she’d heard the words as they knew it was not from them.

When she was asked, she told the parents that she had heard them when boy X asked to see her private parts.

clear?

This.
Remove everything else and you're left with a male child using sexualised language towards a female child.
He's picked that up at home and that alone needs reporting to the school, though I'm guessing he probably uses this kind of language frequently so the teachers will undoubtedly be aware already.

He's not a pervert. He's 4. But whoever it is who's letting him hear and use these terms for female sexual body parts could well be and it needs stopping.

You’re blaming OP for her husband’s actions?

I'm not addressing the point about language again - it was purely to highlight that I believe her as it's not something she has picked up here or her grandparents, which I imagine posters would have asked had I not brought that up.

I am going to speak to the school on Monday. I have also told my husband and cousin to leave it well alone now and that they should not have said anything - I told my husband straight away that this has come from his cousin and he should not have shared it with him.

My main concern was and is, my daughter and the other young childrens safety.

I only had this conversation with my daughter last night, I woke up to a lot of angry ranting messages from the other childs mum (she has found me on social media), I have asked on an anonymous forum what action you would take further and been told that school is more appropriate then approaching other parents, have take this on board.

I don't want to under react but equally do not wish to over react.

"The child did not come home and say “X asked to see my fanny and boobies”

"When she was asked, she told the parents that she had heard them when boy X asked to see her private parts."

You're somewhat minimising the second, and arguably much more important point there.

@Strawberrybubbble

You're doing the right thing in speaking to the school. Safeguarding 101: child uses inappropriate sexualised language towards other child.

Minimising in what way? I haven’t made any comment at all (in this post at least) on the implications of what the boy said and did. OP has already had lots of sensible advice about that.

And this post in which you say I am “minimising the more important point” is a post in which I am telling people that OP clearly DOES know that the boy’s request, and not the language, are the important things here.

I would just say:

I am disappointed that it has gotten back to you before I have had a chance to speak to you personally. I only shared it with my husband who unfortunately mentioned it to his cousin.

I am in no way implying your son is a pervert, I was going to let you know on Monday that there seems to be a bit of a game in the playground where the children are potentially using words and phrases they don’t understand. My daughter shared your son’s name. If you’d prefer I handed it over to the school to deal with I understand.

Don't engage with the mother at all @Strawberrybubbble
Tell the school.

@WhatAFoolishFool
^this

Absolutely clear. But irrelevant to the question the OP is asking. The inclusion of this irrelevant information is what's confused the issue. All it needed was 'DD said a boy had asked her to show her /y'. The big analysis of how she'd never heard these words in any other context is irrelevant.

Not helped by the OP's most recent post where she says she believes her daughter because she used these words....as if she wouldn't have believed her had she used different words!

School, it could be 1 of 2 things.
1- children can be curious about others bodies?
2- The child is being exposed to inappropriate material/ being abused.

The school are probably best placed to know what is "normal" and what needs investigating, but also can put actions in to place to ensure this behaviour doesn't continue whilst at school.