She said I am insinuating her 4 year old is a pervert

[Strawberrybubbble]

Hello,

My 4 year old daughter has recently started using words to describe her private areas with words I have never used before.

In particular referring to her chest as boobies (not the most offensive I know but just not a word I or her father have ever used) and more grimly fanny.

I had a conversation with her last night just to find out where she had picked these words up - she said another 4 year old boy at her school (she used his name) kept asking her to show him her boobies and fanny. I told her she should not do this and they were hers and hers only.

Anyway, I told her father who has told his cousin immediately (he does have form for not keeping his mouth shut). Said cousin, is good friends with the 4 year old boys mum so it has now got back to her.

I was going to have a chat with her myself on Monday morning just to tell her what my daughter has said (I'd want to know - he has been saying this to 'all the girls' apparently).

Well, she has hit the roof. Said we are disgusting, we are implying her son is a pervert etc., we are wrong in the head, he is 4 years old.

That's absolutely not what we said - we questioned where they were picking up this language and where he had heard it.

Now, I know you can't take a 4 year olds word for certain every time but it is not anything we have ever said, she is not left to her own devices to watch anything unsupervised where she would have picked this up and is only ever looked after at nursery and by my parents (cannot imagine them using that language for a second). She was very clear in naming this boy.

Not sure where to go from here really. I would of liked to just let this mum know myself but my husband and his cousin have jumped in.

What would you make of this? My daughter is my oldest so not experienced this yet, not sure of a suitable reaction other than reminding her, her private parts are hers and hers only.

I would be incredibly concerned about the 4 year old asking to see your daughter’s private parts. Definitely report to the school, it’s a safeguarding concern. That poor 4 year old has been exposed to some really inappropriate things.

A male child asking a female child to show him hers is far from normal anywhere.

@SmellyKat10

Again, by a certain demographic, it very much is used in daily conversation and affectionately and it’s not extremely rude.

I don’t agree with it, wasn’t brought up that way and hate it. But also lived in Glasgow long enough to know it’s usage isn’t “extremely rude” to a lot of people.

Im just saying that you’re comment of “I’m Scottish this is extremely rude” just isn’t accurate. We’re probably the part of the UK where it is used the most and isn’t seen as rude!

@BlindurErBóklausMaður

what? Who said it was? I’ve no idea how my comments about Scotland and language use have anything to do with your reply.

@Itslegitimatesalvage also in Scotland and we definitely don’t refer to children’s genitals like that. God knows where abouts you are but that’s not right or normal here.

This is NOT normal curiosity. Huge red flag, needs to be reported to the school who should inform SS. It's a shame DH opened his big mouth followed by his cousin.

", it’s an affectionate very normal term."

Was it an "affectionate and very normal term" when the OP's daughter was exposed to it?

AOh wow.
I don't know why people are piling on you about your husband telling someone else. That would naturally happen. If I told my partner something like that about my Daughter, then there is a 100% chance that he would mention it to his family and friends
Christ almighty…. 🙄

People need to lay off OP for spreading rumours and what have you.
She spoke to the child's father who then told his cousin. Why the hell did he do that?

Your partner would freely talk about his child being asked to show her genitals and breasts by another child? Why?

nb The question is not to you Bombay, but to the person you are quoting.

@BlindurErBóklausMaður

Thats not what I was responding to though. Reading comprehension on this site is awful.

I literally responded to someone saying that, in Scotland, that is an extremely rude word. Nothing to do with children’s genitals or sexual assault or any of that. I was responding to the statement that, “in Scotland, that’s us an extremely rude word.” As if you’d hardly hear it and it would be shocking to hear it. It isn’t extremely rude, you do hear it and it isn’t shocking to hear it.

A child saying it, especially in this context is bad. Very bad. But that isn’t what I was responding to. I literally responded to the phrase, “in Scotland that is extremely rude.”

In Scotland, it’s very much part of the common vocabulary amongst a certain demographic.

I agree with this. Any issues with the other mum have been caused by your husband and his cousin, let them deal with this if they want to.

It’s disappointing that so many posters here are rushing to blame a woman for men’s behaviour.

Yes some grown adults apparently don't understand that safeguarding incidents involving small children need to be involved with the utmost sensitivity. They really are so stupid that they think it is OK to gossip about 4 year old children.

The point I was making was that in Scotland it is a word that is used a lot, I know that, but even in Scotland it is a very rude word for a child to use.

Your husband needs to acknowledge that making speculations public that a child is “weird” or the family are sexually abusing him is seriously out of order. There are far reaching consequences to putting this out amongst other parents at the school.

It’s now circulating amongst parents you will be in contact with for all of your daughter’s time at primary school. What a mess and unnecessary drama.

I hope this can now be resolved in an adult way.
Remain calm and don’t engage with the drama.

If the cousin is good friends with these parents, he should be encouraged to apologise for giving them the wrong idea and make it clear you and dh are NOT making allegations.

This thread right here op. That's a perfect example of why the mum has gone mad.

Because this behaviour by her son has now been gossiped about and spread by your dh among other parents. And some of those will now be thinking along the lines of this thread...'that child's been exposed to inappropriate things', 'he's possibly being abused', 'SS need to be informed immediately'.

Your dh's actions were awful and he should apologise to the other parents.

This sort of behaviour and these sorts of comments can absolutely be a red flag and should be quietly reported to school. There's also every chance it's nothing. Bums, willy's, boobies are often hilarious to small children and that may be all it is.

If i was in the other mum's position I would be very upset with your dh.

I know this isn’t the main point of the post (completely agree with others that the boy asking to see private parts is an issue to take up with the school, absolutely) but is “Fanny” a bit vulgar? Genuinely q because I had no idea if so! We went with that word when our DD was tiny so that’s what she uses now…

This. You did the right thing and handled it well with your daughter. That’s really important also as it lays the foundation for your relationship in years to come she’ll feel able to continue to come to you when something happens that she’s uncomfortable with.

It’s not a word I would teach a toddler to use, certainly 😬

…I mean it seems an odd choice, I won’t lie 😬

@Notsuredontknow

Would you have taught her to say pussy? Because fanny and pussy are pretty much on the same level of swear word. Again, very common in certain places to hear, “oh fuck off you fanny” in an affectionate way amongst friends taking the piss out of each other etc. But it’s a swear word and it is vulgur and you do not teach your child to say it.

OP, well done for noticing the change in your child's language and behaviour. It provided an opportunity to ask your daughter where she picked the new terms from. I don't understand why other poster are given you such a hard time for noticing changes in your daughter. Hopefully, this experience will be a lesson for your husband and his cousin that they need to be very mindful about how you relay information like this as it is very sensitive.

Or he might have seen or overheard adults flirting/sexual activity - which a child should not be privy to.

Quite.
And normalising what, to anyone with a modicum of safeguarding training for children, is an immediate and serious red flag.

Yes I agree with going to the school. Strange behaviour for that age. Rather worrying.