She said I am insinuating her 4 year old is a pervert

[Strawberrybubbble]

Hello,

My 4 year old daughter has recently started using words to describe her private areas with words I have never used before.

In particular referring to her chest as boobies (not the most offensive I know but just not a word I or her father have ever used) and more grimly fanny.

I had a conversation with her last night just to find out where she had picked these words up - she said another 4 year old boy at her school (she used his name) kept asking her to show him her boobies and fanny. I told her she should not do this and they were hers and hers only.

Anyway, I told her father who has told his cousin immediately (he does have form for not keeping his mouth shut). Said cousin, is good friends with the 4 year old boys mum so it has now got back to her.

I was going to have a chat with her myself on Monday morning just to tell her what my daughter has said (I'd want to know - he has been saying this to 'all the girls' apparently).

Well, she has hit the roof. Said we are disgusting, we are implying her son is a pervert etc., we are wrong in the head, he is 4 years old.

That's absolutely not what we said - we questioned where they were picking up this language and where he had heard it.

Now, I know you can't take a 4 year olds word for certain every time but it is not anything we have ever said, she is not left to her own devices to watch anything unsupervised where she would have picked this up and is only ever looked after at nursery and by my parents (cannot imagine them using that language for a second). She was very clear in naming this boy.

Not sure where to go from here really. I would of liked to just let this mum know myself but my husband and his cousin have jumped in.

What would you make of this? My daughter is my oldest so not experienced this yet, not sure of a suitable reaction other than reminding her, her private parts are hers and hers only.

God forbid anyone should give any background or context to an issue when they post about it!

@NuffSaidSam for heavens sake.

I highlighted it before I had a pile on of posters suggesting my daughter could have picked it up from any other source 'are you sure she hasn't heard from older sibling/cousin/tv/husband' as you well know it likely could have been.

It's not confusing at all - my daughter started using these words before she came out with it. I asked her where she had heard these words. She then shared what the boy had been asking her and other girls at school.

I am also dealing with a barrage of abuse from the other parent - who is saying WE are the messed up ones etc.

My experience of a hyper-sexualised only child 7 year old when I was 13 was not nice. He would try and grab my 'bits' and the parents would just laugh - I would literally have to fight him off. He kept saying how his mother's body was beautiful - because he watched her bathe.

Well let’s just acknowledge that you called using the euphemism “fanny” grim.
You’ve backtracked on that now, fair enough.

Look at the NSPCC guidelines for dealing with any issues like this, rather than gossiping.

I imagine your dh insinuated some awful things about this boy and his character when gossiping to his cousin. Bad move.

Demonising a boy in his class to other parents would of course anger and upset his mum.

Please remember Your dd and the boy in her class are both innocent 4 year olds.

You should have gone to the school. The other child might be a victim of SA. You could have inadvertently put him at risk.

You're getting a bit of a hard time here OP.
It's normal to wonder where new words/phrases come from, especially when children are younger. Through talking to your DD something more concerning came out, you've spoken to DH and instead of him keeping his mouth shut and being sensible he's gone gossipping to his cousin, who's gone gossiping to the child's mother.

Definitely speak to the school as it could be innocent curiosity or it could be a potential safeguarding concern for that child. School also need to be aware and keep an eye on the behaviour.

Have you shown your DD the Pantasaurus video? It might help reinforce any conversations you've had about privacy and bodily autonomy.

I think you should speak to the school and let them deal with it as they see fit, as he should not be asking the girls to show him their bodies and the school need to know he has been doing this. He needs to b told that this is not what we do; and the school needs the opportunity to safeguard all the girls.

There is a whole spectrum of possibilities here from a little boy who is naturally curious and just happens to use different language from your family; to a little boy who is seeing and hearing things at home that he should not.

I do not think you should be approaching the family directly, but that ship has sailed now that a relative has let the cat out of the bag. There is nothing you can do about that unfortunately.

When I was four years old I called a passer by a bastard even though I had no idea what it meant. I learnt the word from a neighbor who swore like a fishwife.
This young boy has picked up words from home (I assume) and is now parroting them. It is inappropriate, and, given the mother’s reaction, it is time to involve the school.

The boy needs setting straight before he gets into trouble.

You should have gone to the school. The other child might be a victim of SA. You could have inadvertently put him at risk.
To be fair to the OP, she didn't do anything to put this child at risk. It's reasonable to discuss your own child's experience with your spouse/their other parent.

It was her husband and his cousin with their inability to keep their mouths shut that have stirred this situation.

The OP is trying to do the right thing.

Even more reason to speak with the school OP.
If her first concern isn't, what is going on? But to accuse you of being weird, accusing him of being a pervert she's not willing to look inwards.

I don't know how rare it is these days for kids of this age to do this stuff- prior experience I had as a child very much predates the NSPCC swimsuit campaign, which I'd assume most people were teaching their kids now?
You know, my swimsuit areas are for me, and no one else? ...
I'd be concerned if someone said my child was asking to see another person's private areas. Not going after the parents for not being happy about it.

In the kindest possible way....is your husband an absolute idiot? What a stupid thing to do when small children are involved.

It's a huge safeguarding red flag and needs to be dealt with appropriately, not spread around like a funny rumour

One child asking another to see their genitals etc is quite normal for age appropriate development. They're often intrigued and exploring the people around them and usually very innocent.

But it can be a sign that they have observed this with adults or adults have asked them to do this.

It's also important your daughter knows to say no and why along with all the rest of the pupils around the child.

It was a conversation on school grounds. You need to raise it with school so they can investigate and decide if a safeguarding needs to be raised.

Reducing chances of children being sexually abused.

The lesson here is not to let men any where near issues like this. They over react. Sorry this ain't much help. Tell her that you don't think her son is a pervert, at 4 he may not know what boobies and fannies are, he's probably just repeating words that he thinks are naughty.

Perhaps dh cousin has stirred the shit.?

Whatever’s been said- This boys parents have been fed information that you’re calling her son a pervert and essentially spreading gossip.
Dh owes her an apology. You all need to be more adult.

Whatever was said, your husband has caused an issue that could have been looked into properly, in to a big mess.

Ignore the idiots. You did the right thing in recognising that this was new language for your daughter and exploring where it came from, even if it’s language other family’s might use. It’s also a testament to your parenting and your relationship with your daughter that she felt comfortable disclosing harmful sexualised behaviour from another child. Next step is to protect your child and others by reporting to professionals so the school can identify a plan to keep your daughter and other children safe moving forwards. Those professionals can also investigate the possibility he is acting out sexualised behaviour he has been exposed to. I’d also watch the nspcc pants video with your daughter this weekend. Just google it and you’ll find it. It’s a cartoon song and age appropriate for your daughter.

In terms of your dealings with this kids mother I’d block her from every method of communication she has with you and make the school aware of her harassment. It’s concerning that rather than be worried about why her kid is trying to view other children’s private parts she’s wanting to focus on you.

You need to speak to your husband - he shouldn’t have done what he did.

IME children using that sort of language and asking that sort of thing (the boy, not your daughter) is probably being exposed to some pretty grim shit at home. You should absolutely alert the school as a safeguarding issue tbh. Not sure I’d want a child that asked my four year old to show him her privates to be within 100ft of her. That’s not normal.

Edit; to clarify, I don’t think the boy is at fault. It’s 100% on his parents and it is definitely NOT normal for a four year old to ask to see a girls fanny. Let’s not normalise shit like this.

I told my husband. It's his daughter too, I told him he was completely in the wrong for telling his cousin and that I will be wary sharing anything confidential in the future with him which is not good.

I have said already what I will be doing now - I will have a chat on Monday morning with the school and am not going to respond to the other parent.

I know AIBU does bring out some of the harsher posters but it is a shame sometimes - often posters ask a difficult question/dilemma, get a bit of a head wobble and either take it on board or don't.

Those who do (like me) do not need to be berated constantly just for the sake of it after the fact.

Well this has not been handled well at all and I'm not surprised this mother has reacted defensively hearing complaints about her 4 year old third hand. She probably thinks your family are spreading unsubstantiated rumours about her child. I would speak to your child's teacher first thing Monday and if the mother approaches you, I'd apologise for the way this information got back to her and explain that you're speaking to the school about it. Hope your little girl is ok.

@wellhello24

"Yep. The one I’m worried about here is the 4 yo boy- sexual behaviour is a major red flag and indicates he is being sexually abused. Express this concern to school safeguarding as it needs investigatin"

This does NOT indicate he is being sexually abused. He may or may not be. It may or may not require further investigation. As you say it should be reported the setting/school Safeguarding Lead who will make this decisions based on her training and what she knows of the child and family. Best not to encourage people to jump to conclusions.

You are going to needs to chill out. Your child will hear all different words for all different things as each family chooses their own language and descriptions. Be a parent and tell her we don’t use those words.

now you should be more concerned about him as to her boobies and fanny.

Strawberrybubbble
You've done the right thing and it's good your daughter feels she can share behaviour that's inappropriate with you. The way you've listened and handled this is setting the template for what happens next time she wants to talk about something. You've shown her that she can talk to you, you're non-judgmental and you will listen and believe her. That's so important.

I hope your conversation with school goes well and your DH realises he needs to keep his mouth shut sometimes.

Thank you, appreciate that.

This is a safeguarding issue as he trying to make dd show him her private parts.

No way would I sweep this under the carpet.

Both children need to be safeguarded but your dd is your priority and I would be escalating this to school and beyond first thing on Monday.

You should’ve posted in ‘Chat’ OP, then I doubt you’d have got the harsh replies.

You have a plan now and that’s good, speak to the school and ignore the mum.

Try and have a good weekend. Hope it goes well on Monday.

Can you not talk like that about a little girl? Gross.