She said I am insinuating her 4 year old is a pervert

[Strawberrybubbble]

Hello,

My 4 year old daughter has recently started using words to describe her private areas with words I have never used before.

In particular referring to her chest as boobies (not the most offensive I know but just not a word I or her father have ever used) and more grimly fanny.

I had a conversation with her last night just to find out where she had picked these words up - she said another 4 year old boy at her school (she used his name) kept asking her to show him her boobies and fanny. I told her she should not do this and they were hers and hers only.

Anyway, I told her father who has told his cousin immediately (he does have form for not keeping his mouth shut). Said cousin, is good friends with the 4 year old boys mum so it has now got back to her.

I was going to have a chat with her myself on Monday morning just to tell her what my daughter has said (I'd want to know - he has been saying this to 'all the girls' apparently).

Well, she has hit the roof. Said we are disgusting, we are implying her son is a pervert etc., we are wrong in the head, he is 4 years old.

That's absolutely not what we said - we questioned where they were picking up this language and where he had heard it.

Now, I know you can't take a 4 year olds word for certain every time but it is not anything we have ever said, she is not left to her own devices to watch anything unsupervised where she would have picked this up and is only ever looked after at nursery and by my parents (cannot imagine them using that language for a second). She was very clear in naming this boy.

Not sure where to go from here really. I would of liked to just let this mum know myself but my husband and his cousin have jumped in.

What would you make of this? My daughter is my oldest so not experienced this yet, not sure of a suitable reaction other than reminding her, her private parts are hers and hers only.

Where are you getting this from?

It is a complete false narrative.

My husband has not said anything remotely like he is being sexually abused by his family.

I have spoken to DH already and have recently spoken to his cousin.

The cousin has apologized, said he didn't 'think' and just said to his mate (other parent) that her son had said that to his cousins daughter. He claims that is all he said and he thinks she got embarrassed and does have a bit of a temper. He said he has also apologized to his mate, has also assured everyone involved that it hasn't gone anywhere else.

Other parent has said she also wants to speak to the school apparently so as previously mentioned, Monday morning we will be having that conversation with the school.

I was about to post precisely this. OP's DD has told her where she's heard this language and behaviour. This little boy has also heard/emulated it from somewhere. This as major red flag of possible child abuse.

This needs reporting and dealing with sensitively by the appropriate professionals. The cousin's behaviour can't be taken back, more's the pity.

It isn't the word that's the issue. As a word, and a parental choice for a little girl to use for her own body, it's fine.

The issue is, this was not the little girl using it to factually talk about her own body but a little boy who wanted the girl to expose herself to him. At some point, somehow, that male child has heard the word, understood that it's part of the female "private parts" and decided he wants to look. Some posters are putting that down to "natural curiosity"

It is a long way removed from that.

I do think you are focusing on the wrong thing too, but that's not about the language. What your husband has done effectively is spread rumors about a 4 yo! I would be furious too if it was about my kid, to hear that kind of things third hand. I know that wasn't your intention, but I think you owe the mum an apology for that (and should have a chat with your husband about gossiping to his family).

And I don't doubt your daughter is telling the truth btw.

That poor boy. Making such an adult request at just four years old and then his mum getting so cagey about it. He is probably not living the life a child should be in that home.

It's the DSL you need to be speaking to, and confidentially. Don't take part in any he said/she said with the other parent.

Good luck. ❤️

Why is it unacceptable for a four year old to have been exposed to the words boobies and fanny? Jeez, I didn’t realise it was 1950! They’re normal childlike terms to describe body parts. It shouldn’t be a taboo subject.

The only unacceptable part of all this is the kid asking to see another child’s boobs and fanny, and he needs to be taught that this is wrong.

I am also dealing with a barrage of abuse from the other parent - who is saying WE are the messed up ones etc
Your husband has effectively gossiped about a 4 yr old child and this has gotten back to the other parent. Who wouldn't be livid, honestly?
Can you not imagine the potential damage such stupidity may cause? It really is not a minor issue

Of course you should deal with the issue. Through the proper channels. NOT via some kind of whispering campaign against a 4 yr old child.

JFC.

Ignore the nutty posters who either don't bother to read posts properly, or are too ... challenged ... to understand them.

Most of us perfectly see what you are getting at. The mother's response is a huge red flag and I hope the school/ nursery take things very seriously.

Your husband should feel terrible that his big mouth has now caused problems not only for YOU, but his daughter as this other mum could well spread a false narrative about the situation. He is an idiot

Those 2 words are definitely not on the same level where I grew up or live now - I even know a couple of other parents who use it with their kids. But still, honestly had no idea it was so offensive in some places so will switch up our vocab asap!

I just want to reiterate - I do not agree with what my husband did by telling his cousin, I have had a conversation with both of them about that, they have both apologized - not only to me but other parent - it is up to the other parent if she accepts it or not.

I won't be taking any further blame for their actions as I did not tell my husband thinking he would then tell his cousin. My husband can be terrible with idle gossip, as I have already noted, but I did not think he would with something like this, that is clearly my mistake. A very hard one to accept for myself too as I should be able to confide in my husband, especially about things like this.

He has acknowledged it was a serious lack of judgement on his and his cousins behalf.

Absolutely! Where I live it’s on a par with saying ‘bum’ or ‘willy’. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m really shocked that people have such a strong reaction to this.

Nothing to say regarding advice for OP that hasn't already been said, but where I live and have lived in the past 'fanny' is definitely not a casual term that a 4 year old might reasonably use or be taught as slang for vagina. To me it's on about the same level of crude as dick.

I would probably send the other mum one nice message back to say sorry, that wasn't what was meant at all, husband and cousin are big mouths, I'll ask the school to have a chat with them all about keeping private parts private. If she continues berating you I'd ignore though.

You need to tell school for the little boys sake, to maybe have a look at why he knows these words. For safeguarding reasons

In this mother's shoes I'd be terrified for the wellbeing of my son and would not rest until I'd got to the bottom of it.

@Ramalangadingdong a child so young asking to see these thing is a massive red flag in safeguarding

You may not know this unless you have had safeguarding training but this is the type of thing they would look out for

A lot of people saying What's the problem, those words are used all the time where I came from etc. The Problem isn't the words, the problem is a 4 yo boy harassing girls to expose themselves to him. It would still be a problem if he was repeatedly asking them to "Show me your breasts and vagina".

The boy wouldn’t be a pervert, but his parents sound like they are. If that’s what they are teaching him. People should not back down over stuff like this. If it’s wrong, it’s wrong.

You are right to be concerned. It may be totally innocent but over sexualised language or behaviour at such a young age is a safeguarding red flag. I would have reported it to class teacher and they would then go down the safeguarding route rather than speaking to parents.

You are focusing on the wrong thing. I agree with you questioning where she has heard these words, I’d have done the same.
You told your DH, a perfectly normal, reaction…however he should have respected his dd’s privacy and not told his cousin. It was none of the cousins business. They’ve both acted like gossiping busybodies.
The first thing I thought about when I read what her reply to that was “what has he been hearing or seeing to ask his class mate to show him her private parts, there are safe guarding issues here, the school needs to know”. The safe guarding team would have handled it carefully and sensitively, instead it’s been blown wide open and now, if the boy is being abused in any way then his abuser has been given a heads up.

My advice is not to engage with the mother any more, she is obviously shocked and upset. I don’t blame her, I’d be upset too but also worried sick in case someone had allowed my child to see something he shouldn’t or done something to him.
School still needs to know, it happened in school and it appears he’s asked other children to show him their body parts too.
Tell DH to keep his big mouth shut next time you tell him anything.

It’s a very strong reaction from the mum.

I’d keep reiterating to your daughter that they are hers and not hers to show others. Perhaps teach her a phrase she can say to shut it down.

Unfortunately it seems the mum refuses to believe it - whether it’s true or not so I think you have no option but to tackle it by addressing the issue with your daughter only. Which is sad because if it is true the boy may grow up thinking it’s acceptable when he’s older.

It is wrong that your husband’s cousin told the mum though it was not his to tell. If potentially be a bit annoyed at your husband for telling his cousin if his cousin has form for this he should’ve known. But depends entirely on their relationship.