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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m leaving DH but kids don’t want to come with me

211 replies

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:34

I’m leaving DH through the night we have 3 dc’s together. I’m the main earner and because of this he has been the main caregiver. He has controlled my kids so much and turned them against me they hate me so much. He undermines me in front of them so they just think I’m a joke.

Do I just take 1 year old ds? the older two won’t come with me? He is saying I won’t see my kids ever again.

I’ve booked and Airbnb for a week then I will have to sort out some housing.

OP posts:
RowanMayfair · 19/01/2024 19:35

How old are they?
sadly if they don't want to come and they are old enough to make problems for you safety wise then I think you'll have to leave them.
If they are under 10 I would find a way to get them out when he's not there and just take them and you can work on deprogramming them but much older than that you run the risk that they will prevent you safely getting away.

Theunamedcat · 19/01/2024 19:35

Take the one year old he sounds toxic but you need to figure something out moving forward

Original poster
Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:38

The other two are 7 & 5 but they are so controlled by him I can’t do anything about it.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 19/01/2024 19:40

In what way does he control them? Surely is it not that they feel closer to him as the primary caregiver?

RowanMayfair · 19/01/2024 19:40

They are young enough to change their minds. However you must bear in mind if he's the main carer and unless you have strong evidence of the abuse he's likely to get them back home with him (in the family home) if he goes to court. Maybe not worth the stress and expense of going through that process.

trollopolis · 19/01/2024 19:41

I think it is entirely normal for DC to want to stay with the main caregiver, and I think it would be wrong to split up siblings

However, they do need contact with both parents, so perhaps you need to be reflecting on how residency can be shared. In your favour is a presumption that negotiations start at 50/50 (rather than non-main care giver rarely getting more than EOW and a night a week)

Starlightstarbright2 · 19/01/2024 19:41

go for 50/ 50 care build your relationship ..

all the children are too young to decide .as he is the main carer they need to see him too .

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 19/01/2024 19:41

You take them all with you.

Original poster
Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:43

He will say your mums a rubbish mum she hasn’t made you any dinner yet. Whilst I’m working all day and he’s sat on the sofa. Will say I’m a tramp and that I don’t care about them and all I care about is myself.

It isn’t the truth I love them to bits I just feel trapped by him. He always calls me his slave because he doesn’t have to work.

The kids are all on his side, they have seen him grab me by the neck and chuck me across the floor and they seen me cry but they were just holding on to him.

OP posts:
CoffeeatIKEA · 19/01/2024 19:43

A family court judge can force your stbxh to make the kids who live with him available for contact with you.
Get an appointment with a family law solicitor as soon as possible.

Dacadactyl · 19/01/2024 19:44

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:43

He will say your mums a rubbish mum she hasn’t made you any dinner yet. Whilst I’m working all day and he’s sat on the sofa. Will say I’m a tramp and that I don’t care about them and all I care about is myself.

It isn’t the truth I love them to bits I just feel trapped by him. He always calls me his slave because he doesn’t have to work.

The kids are all on his side, they have seen him grab me by the neck and chuck me across the floor and they seen me cry but they were just holding on to him.

You are fleeing an abusive situation then, which is different. You need legal advice.

Original poster
Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:44

I will never change their minds, DH brother has just gone through a divorce and he has made the mother out to be the worst mother ever and controlled his kids now they all hate the mum. DH is going to do the same to me!

OP posts:
RowanMayfair · 19/01/2024 19:44

They are being abused by him too. They will cling to him because he's dangerous and it's safer to appease the dangerous man. Do you have any evidence of this abuse?

CoffeeatIKEA · 19/01/2024 19:44

Nope, scrap that. If he’s throwing you across the room in front of the kids then you really need to take them all with you, possibly to a women’s refuge.
Have you spoken to women’s aid or the police?

Divinespark · 19/01/2024 19:45

CoffeeatIKEA · 19/01/2024 19:43

A family court judge can force your stbxh to make the kids who live with him available for contact with you.
Get an appointment with a family law solicitor as soon as possible.

Goodness how horrible. He physically assaulted. Would have reported him to police. Build evidence. These men are so conniving in every way possible. You should get legal advice, woman's aid first. Domt leave the house without any of your kids.

Original poster
Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:46

I use to call the police on him but I stopped because social services got involved and I feared loosing them. I am in the position to leave now I never was before.

OP posts:
CoffeeatIKEA · 19/01/2024 19:47

Social services will support you if they can see you’re leaving the relationship and want to provide your kids with a safe home

Minglingpringle · 19/01/2024 19:48

Yes, take them to a women’s refuge. It does sound like he’s being abusive.

Will you have to give up your job if you take them all with you?

Are you able to get away with them - is he ever not around?

RowanMayfair · 19/01/2024 19:49

CoffeeatIKEA · 19/01/2024 19:47

Social services will support you if they can see you’re leaving the relationship and want to provide your kids with a safe home

Absolutely this. Get out and then call them and say you need help. They will at the very least refer you to a DV support service who can write you a supporting letter for legal aid and can feed into any court reports if you work with them. For family court processes you need evidence of DV, and working with a social worker or DV service can be considered evidence especially if you have police reports in the past too.

Resisterance · 19/01/2024 19:49

If they stay with him, he will make you pay for child maintenance for them. In fact this is a reason why It’s in his interest to get them to stay.

If you leave without them you won't get them back of he is like this.

Find a way to take them with you.

Or change the locks when he's out.

CoffeeatIKEA · 19/01/2024 19:50

OP, is there a cultural context here where children are thought to belong to the father/father’s extended family in the event of a divorce? If so, there might be culturally specific groups around to help mothers in your situation?

Autumn1990 · 19/01/2024 19:52

Don’t leave without them even to stay in an air bnb for a week. You need to get some legal advice and also call womens aid for advice.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 19/01/2024 19:54

Your children don't favour him. They are afraid of him. They are 7 and 5 too small to leave with him. Call women's aid and get them all out with you.

rllrsk8 · 19/01/2024 19:59

It takes a lot of courage but you can and must leave - you're making steps in the right direction but just take all your kids and go, without looking back. As others have said a women's shelter is what you need. It may be hard for the older kids initially but one day they will understand why you removed them from that situation. He may call himself the main caregiver but he's an abuser. Best wishes op, you deserve so much more from life - be strong and you will be happy and free again x

peachgreen · 19/01/2024 20:01

Please take them with you. If he’s abused you, he could abuse them.