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AIBU?

I’m leaving DH but kids don’t want to come with me

210 replies

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:34

I’m leaving DH through the night we have 3 dc’s together. I’m the main earner and because of this he has been the main caregiver. He has controlled my kids so much and turned them against me they hate me so much. He undermines me in front of them so they just think I’m a joke.

Do I just take 1 year old ds? the older two won’t come with me? He is saying I won’t see my kids ever again.

I’ve booked and Airbnb for a week then I will have to sort out some housing.

OP posts:
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user1492757084 · 19/01/2024 22:05

The kids would have been better off being taken away.
They would not have witnessed their father maltreating their mother.
You could then have left and sought out contact again.

I would still involve Social Services.

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GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 19/01/2024 22:05

You have to take them, you can't leave them with a violent abusive man.

Bribe them to get them in the car if necessary. Tell them you're all going to mcdonalds or something that they will want to do.

Get the mcdonalds as promised, then go to the travelodge.

'How exciting, let's have an adventure and stay in a hotel! You can watch TV for as long as you want while we all snuggle on the bed'

Once you're there, and safe, and they're asleep, call women's aid.

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mummymathsteacher · 19/01/2024 22:07

I have no advice, I just wanted to tell you that you are amazing. Having the strength to walk away is extraordinary. No matter what this man tells you, that makes you a brilliant mother.

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Switcher · 19/01/2024 22:13

I'm so sorry.

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AllGrownUp1465 · 19/01/2024 22:15

Hi,

I was your kids! My dad was abusive and I wanted to stay with him

I was forced to leave him, the police actually took me away to my mum and Gran's house.

As an adult, with my own kids, I’m so glad I was forced to go with my mum.

It didn’t take long but I felt better once I was away from my dad. I was primary school age.

I know my life has been so much better with my mum! My dad would have ended up controlling me too

Please take your kids with you x

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Livelovebehappy · 19/01/2024 22:15

Sounds like this has been going on a long time. Your dcs have been living in a toxic environment. This is what happens when children are brought up in this situation - you should have removed them a long time ago, especially if you are the main wage earner, as you could have left him and taken them with you before they were manipulated. They’ve probably seen and experienced so much.

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AllGrownUp1465 · 19/01/2024 22:15

This !

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AllGrownUp1465 · 19/01/2024 22:19

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 19/01/2024 22:05

You have to take them, you can't leave them with a violent abusive man.

Bribe them to get them in the car if necessary. Tell them you're all going to mcdonalds or something that they will want to do.

Get the mcdonalds as promised, then go to the travelodge.

'How exciting, let's have an adventure and stay in a hotel! You can watch TV for as long as you want while we all snuggle on the bed'

Once you're there, and safe, and they're asleep, call women's aid.

Meant to quote this

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Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 19/01/2024 22:19

Don't fall for his mind games. You're a good mum and the kids need protecting from him. All 3 kids need to be with you. Thinking of you OP. It must be a horrible situation to be in but please take the advice you've been given here.

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Dibbydoos · 19/01/2024 22:21

@Flabbymummy1 Your 5 &7 yo are being abused by their dad and you think you have to leave them?

Pack bags for them, you and your baby, tell them you're going on a short break. Plop them in your car and never take them back.

Your DH is a piece of.... let him challenge you for access.

You deserve better and so do your children. They will come round cos they'll see how hard you work and how well you look after them.

Sending a hug and the best of luck x

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Wetblanket78 · 19/01/2024 22:21

He's abusive you can't leave 2 children with him.

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Runnerinthenight · 19/01/2024 22:23

Tell them you are going for a treat of some kind if you have to but take them with you!!

They are too young to understand. He is manipulating them.

Good luck xx

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Chestnutsroastgreen · 19/01/2024 22:24

I hope you and your children can get to safety.

he will want to keep the children, so he can continue sitting on the sofa knowing you are working very hard to pay for him!

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Nicole1111 · 19/01/2024 22:26

Leave and take the children. They may be going along with him because they are scared. Even if that’s not the case you they need to be removed from his influence. Call social services and ask for their support in getting you all out together. If there is previous social services records and police records they will very likely believe your version of events and not his. They will also have the expertise to guide you through leaving an abuser and they can support the children and refer the children for support from other agencies.

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titchy · 19/01/2024 22:29

You don't need to change their minds. They are far far far far too young to decide. Take them. Abandoning them now will be seen as really really bad by the courts. Thinking they are old enough to decide will be seen S really bad by the courts. Take them.

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Hankunamatata · 19/01/2024 22:32

Contact a refuge and take them all. He grabbed you by the neck and threw you across the floor. They are not safe

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Hankunamatata · 19/01/2024 22:33

OP I would move to other end of the country to refuge, start again. Don't tell him where you are

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Dmsandfloatydress · 19/01/2024 22:34

Get a refuge place and take all three children. Apply to the courts for an occupation order and have him removed from the property. Apply for an injunction against him and move yourself and the three kids back home. See him in court regarding contact. Cafcas will be involved and as there was previous social work involvement you will probably find that they will agree that you are to be the main carer, going forward and he will get access. You can get a mackenzie friend to advocate for you if you can't afford a lawyer. He won't get legal aid so will have to advocate for himself. Sell family home, give him his share and move to cheap area of the country. Womens aid will support you through this process DONOT LEAVE THE KIDS WITH HIM!! You will regret it for the rest of your life and won't ever get full custody again.

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JMSA · 19/01/2024 22:36

The kids are all on his side, they have seen him grab me by the neck and chuck me across the floor and they seen me cry but they were just holding on to him.

They're not on his side. They're just too little to fully comprehend what's going on Sad

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Lightermoon · 19/01/2024 22:43

I think you need a better plan in place. Go to the police discuss previous issues and see if you can get a plan in place. He sounds dangerous what if he starts treating your children that way once you have gone. Contact womens aid and gingerbread single parent charity. Sort your housing elsewhere first. I would take all 3 they will thank you for it in the long run.

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Duckingella · 19/01/2024 22:45

Go to the police and get SS involved;they will help you get custody of your children.

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NoisyDachshunddd · 19/01/2024 22:49

Hi OP, have you sought any professional support before?

Not necessarily from the police, but from domestic abuse services?

They are there to help you. Tell us who you've spoken to so far and we can help you from there.

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SisterSabotage · 19/01/2024 22:57

I appreciate that the trauma of your situation make should feel you have to flee but 💯 you need to take the other children. Or get him arrested and removed from the home (ideal outcome)

The children are very small and will be so much happier without ghat abusive arse in their lives. Children just repeat what they're told. In reality they're scared and needing you to rescue them from their nightmare.

Other posters will have better Intel on exactly how to do this but surely there are some public agencies who can assist?

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ScierraDoll · 19/01/2024 23:01

He's twat but you might have lost this fight already. Take the little one, he has been poisoning the minds of the other two for a long time. It will hurt kiddo, unbelievably so and you have a hard job to repair that damage. Good luck kid it ain't going to be easy but you can make your babies life better by being away from him

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ISSTIUTNG · 19/01/2024 23:03

JMSA · 19/01/2024 22:36

The kids are all on his side, they have seen him grab me by the neck and chuck me across the floor and they seen me cry but they were just holding on to him.

They're not on his side. They're just too little to fully comprehend what's going on Sad

Exactly. I don't want to stick the knife in but my heart breaks for the kids in this. A highly emotionally and physically abusive dad. A mum who has ridiculously overinflated expectations of their emotional maturity to a point that she's almost also emotionally abusing them herself and refusing to protect them. Who's going to do what's right for these poor babies???

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