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AIBU?

I’m leaving DH but kids don’t want to come with me

210 replies

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:34

I’m leaving DH through the night we have 3 dc’s together. I’m the main earner and because of this he has been the main caregiver. He has controlled my kids so much and turned them against me they hate me so much. He undermines me in front of them so they just think I’m a joke.

Do I just take 1 year old ds? the older two won’t come with me? He is saying I won’t see my kids ever again.

I’ve booked and Airbnb for a week then I will have to sort out some housing.

OP posts:
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Snowydaysfaraway · 19/01/2024 20:28

Never leave them. Took me years after agreeing shared custody. Exh turned their heads... Your dc are being his best mates so he won't hit them. Can't you see that? Refuge tonight... Report every bit of abuse to the police.

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rhianfitz · 19/01/2024 20:30

@Honeybeebuzz has great ideas. They do not hate you!

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FloweryFlump · 19/01/2024 20:30

Take all of your children away from this vile man

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Gettingbysomehow · 19/01/2024 20:38

You will be making a huge mistake taking the 1 year old to live in an air B&B. A judge will order the 1 year old to go home to their father. Get secure accommodation before doing anything. I did a similar thing and was ordered to send DS back home. I went back with him and we left again when I had a flat.
Go to court and quote parental alienation because that's what he is doing. He could be banned from seeing the children for that.
Don't do anything rash and don't hand over any power to him.
Get as much advice as possible before doing anything.

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GreatGateauxsby · 19/01/2024 20:39

Stop with the airbnb nonsense.
organise proper accommodation unless you are in danger.
if you are in danger get the police to remove him from the home and stay there.


They are 7 & 5 not 17 and 15

take them with you
Leaving them would be a huge mistake.

do not discuss the fact you are leaving.

dont ask them what they want.

once you have new accommodation put them in the car to “go to the supermarket” or whatever and get out of dodge.

take them with you…

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Wills · 19/01/2024 20:40

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:43

He will say your mums a rubbish mum she hasn’t made you any dinner yet. Whilst I’m working all day and he’s sat on the sofa. Will say I’m a tramp and that I don’t care about them and all I care about is myself.

It isn’t the truth I love them to bits I just feel trapped by him. He always calls me his slave because he doesn’t have to work.

The kids are all on his side, they have seen him grab me by the neck and chuck me across the floor and they seen me cry but they were just holding on to him.

Your kids are too young to really remember this. I can't say enough. TAKE THEM ALL. It wont be easy, but you need to stay on top of their childcare. This means being ultra aware and ultra hypersensitive. You CAN do this. PLEASE. At 5 and 7 they wont remember too much. Leave it much longer they're resent you. At their ages you CAN turn this around, but you'll need to be hyper vigilant as to their care whilst you're at work. It's not easy, but you can do this. Don't leave them to a lazy parent. Please

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Cherrysoup · 19/01/2024 20:40

God, you poor love. 😢 Can you organise childcare if you’re the main earner? He’ll turn on them and parental alienation is surely illegal nowadays? If he’s abused you, he’ll start on the dc.

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BlueGrey1 · 19/01/2024 20:41

Leave and the youngest with you.
At least there are records of his abuse and the police were called, that might help in getting custody

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Gettingbysomehow · 19/01/2024 20:41

Also call the police and get them to take you and the kids to a refuge.

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Fairylightfurore · 19/01/2024 20:42

Get legal advice. Get 50/50 contact. They will come around. Don't give up on them. They won't thank you for it when they're older.

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mommyfive · 19/01/2024 20:45

Get them kids now and get out tell them you're taking them out for the day . Iv lost 3 kids to my x he hasn't let me see them in 13 months my life's over believe me when I say this he's going to get a million times worse even if you can only take the one child just take that child . You want to go get an emergency court order tomorrow morning . If you have any proof what so ever of abuse then show the court and get them kids out now . X

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RedLeicesterRedLeicester · 19/01/2024 20:45

surely using social services must be in your interest?

If you can get them away from him they will see it for what it is eventually

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MysticalMegx · 19/01/2024 20:49

He's already abusing them, mentally. You need to get out and take them with you.

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SlightlyJaded · 19/01/2024 20:50

I very much suspect that there instinct is to cling to him because they sense that they must show loyalty to him FOR FEAR OF REPRISALS IF THEY DON'T. Even if they don't understand this in a logical way, they have seen what happens to you when you displease him.

They are afraid and being controlled and manipulated by an abuser. Please don't leave them with him. Once they realise that they are safe with you, you will see them relax and be better placed to show you love.

50/50 long term. Legal advice short term. But do not leave them.

If you are going to an AirBnB for a week, please make sure that nobody can start saying you've 'left the home and kids'. This narrative won't help you. Frame it as a week's break and make sure people around you know that this is all it is. Use that time to get legal advice.

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Whattodo112222 · 19/01/2024 20:50

Under no circumstances leave your kids behind. It will bite you in the behind so badly when you go to court.

Take them, take them now.

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MILTOBE · 19/01/2024 20:52

I would definitely involve social services, OP. He sounds horrendous.

You should involve the police, too, if he's at all violent towards you.

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tolerable · 19/01/2024 20:52

please take them.."happy holiday" you dont need tell em "leaving dad" why through night?does he know?
get womans aid/refuged as soon as possible. air b and b ok for a wee holiday.you are so brave.they need you.

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LeavesOnTrees · 19/01/2024 20:54

Please take all the children with you. I agree with PP tell them it's just a holiday or a trip or anything. Try to get into a refuge.
Let the police know what your doing.
Get a solicitor. Let social services know you're leaving an abusive man and you are scared.

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2chocolateoranges · 19/01/2024 20:54

Please don’t leave any of your children with them, he is abusing you all.

make it into an adventure and take all the children with you. Don’t tell them you are leaving their dad, just tell them it’s an adventure you are going on,

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ISSTIUTNG · 19/01/2024 20:56

FFS, they're 7 and 5 and he's abusive. They have NO idea what they really want and even less idea what's in their best interest. My 5YO doesn't even know what she wants for breakfast most days.You absolutely must get all 4 of you to safety. Your judgement is clouded by his abuse. Go to a refuge if needed but get yourself and all 3 of your kids out of there. Please don't leave those poor babies with him. Have some self-belief. You are by far the better choice for them I promise. Be strong xx

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Channellingsophistication · 19/01/2024 20:57

Don’t leave the children with him he is abusing them as well. At 7 and 5 they are not old enough to make any decision. They only want to stay with him because it’s all they know and no child ever wants to leave their home.

i’m so sorry you’re in this situation, but I hope you can get some good advice from women’s aid and a solicitor as to what to do

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whynotwhatknot · 19/01/2024 20:59

they dont know whats best at their age theyre only little-take them and lgo to a refuge-phone the police for all the abuse and see a solicitor

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RatatouillePie · 19/01/2024 21:00

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:46

I use to call the police on him but I stopped because social services got involved and I feared loosing them. I am in the position to leave now I never was before.

Keep calling the police!

You're going to lose them anyway to a narcissist if you don't keep calling them police.

If you don't take them away then I wouldn't be leaving them with him!! You need a longer plan.

Speak to womens aid!

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AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2024 21:04

@Flabbymummy1

Take all the children. At that age they're very easily influenced by whomever is right in front of them, especially with calm words and gentle affection, but it will take time. Don't 'badmouth their dad', just continually verbally reinforce the various ways parents show that they care for their children and point out to them the ways in which do this.

Contact WA for advice and see a solicitor IMMEDIATELY and discuss parental alienation with them. You'll need to get some kind of court order guaranteeing you access and setting out a schedule. You won't be able to keep him from seeing them indefinitely. If you don't file for orders, chances are that he will. Remember that both parents have equal access to the children, and absent court orders you cannot force one parent to allow the other parent to see the children or to turn the children over to them.

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