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AIBU?

I’m leaving DH but kids don’t want to come with me

210 replies

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:34

I’m leaving DH through the night we have 3 dc’s together. I’m the main earner and because of this he has been the main caregiver. He has controlled my kids so much and turned them against me they hate me so much. He undermines me in front of them so they just think I’m a joke.

Do I just take 1 year old ds? the older two won’t come with me? He is saying I won’t see my kids ever again.

I’ve booked and Airbnb for a week then I will have to sort out some housing.

OP posts:
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ISSTIUTNG · 19/01/2024 23:09

ScierraDoll · 19/01/2024 23:01

He's twat but you might have lost this fight already. Take the little one, he has been poisoning the minds of the other two for a long time. It will hurt kiddo, unbelievably so and you have a hard job to repair that damage. Good luck kid it ain't going to be easy but you can make your babies life better by being away from him

They're 5 and 7 not teenagers! She's their mum. Of course she hasn't lost the fight at all. She needs to step up and get them away from this abusive man. Defeatest shit like this is really not going to help her

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Wheresmemum · 19/01/2024 23:13

If your children have seen him throwing you across the room, and he's emotionally manipulating them, he's a domestic abuse perpetrator. No two ways about it. He's emotionally abusing your children. Call women's aid, get a solicitor, call safeguarding if you're comfortable doing this. He's the one who should be leaving, not you and not the children. If however you feel its safer for you to leave, take your children with you. If he's abusing you infront of the children, if he's trying to turn them against you, he's not just abusing you, he's also abusing your children! Get yourself and them away from the abusive git!

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Willyoujustbequiet · 19/01/2024 23:21

EasterIssland · 19/01/2024 21:36

I’m unsure about what I’m going to say but could he report your for kidnapping and taking the kids out of their house against their will? I’d be very worried about doing this without legal advice that this can’t go against me

This.

I would tread very carefully.

The courts won't look kindly on you removing them from their primary carer. This could well backfire.

Even if you had evidence of abuse it will be incredibly difficult. I had independent witness statements, bruises, CCTV...it counted for nothing. The system is stacked against women, especially if he's the main care giver.

If I was you I would play the long game. Go for 50/50 and build your relationship. There is a real risk of you just getting EOW if you don't.

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caringcarer · 19/01/2024 23:23

If he's violent it's surely not safe to leave them with him? Once you're not there to throw around the room he might take his nasty temper out on the DC. I'd be taking them with me and ringing a Woman's refuge. They can help you.

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Diamondcurtains · 19/01/2024 23:28

Omg you cannot leave them with him! If he’s abusive he could abuse them too.

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uncomfortablydumb53 · 19/01/2024 23:33

If you leave, you need to take them all with you
At 7 and 5, they don't hate you.
They love you and are afraid of their DF
Contact Woman's aid for advice
If SS have been involved before, they will see it as positive that you are protecting your DC from DV, so I would call and ask for the duty SW asap

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frazzledandfragmented · 19/01/2024 23:34

I hope you are safe tonight OP. Please call the police if not. And please reach out to services who can help you. The National Centre for Domestic Violence will be able to advise and help. Your children are too young to be able to make a decision for themselves in this. You need to protect them and that means reaching out for understanding and support so you know what your options are.

Tel 08009702070 (24 hour helpline)
Text NCDV to 60777
www.ncdv.org.uk

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ISSTIUTNG · 19/01/2024 23:35

There's really no wonder women find it so hard to leave pricks like this when people spout so much utter bullshit and fearmonger so much. The law doesn't give a shit about dads. It is heavily in favour of mum and even if (and it's a big if) dad gets a court order it isn't worth the paper it's written on anyway. Nothing should stop OP leaving this man and having no contact with him ever again. This is the only option that won't result in these children being severely damaged.

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ChellyT · 19/01/2024 23:39

Please get legal advice and take the baby for now.
Most children eventually realise the toxic parent, it may take years and it may never happen but you can only do what you think is best right now.
I wish the best @Flabbymummy1 with what ever you decide 🌺

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Copperoliverbear · 19/01/2024 23:43

Take your kids and enjoy your life together, they will soon see home life is different without him there.
You tell kids of that age what they need to do, they don't tell you.
Don't leave them there it will mentally scar them

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user1499128287 · 19/01/2024 23:45

Pretty sure most judges would consider that alienation of affection and take a dim view of his behaviour.

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ManchesterGirl2 · 19/01/2024 23:47

Don't leave them with an abusive and violent man. They are too young to understand the consequences of their "choices". You need to get support and get all of you out of that situation.

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Nevermind31 · 19/01/2024 23:51

Take them all, build a case how he is abusing all of you. He will fight for them so that you will pay him child support…make sure that you secure your assets. Good luck!!!

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PeggySooo · 19/01/2024 23:57

Social services could have potentially helped you. You would have only had them taken away if you stayed with him and put them at risk. Contact Women's Aid etc for advice.
I would take the children in secret if there's any way you can. I think situations can soon become nasty with men like this and it might endanger you if you just try to do it in front of him.
You have records that show you have reported him for DV before. This will help. Any other evidence you have will also help. Back them up somewhere. Make a new email address and send evidence to that.

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ADHDASCBAMEWoman · 19/01/2024 23:58

CoffeeatIKEA · 19/01/2024 19:47

Social services will support you if they can see you’re leaving the relationship and want to provide your kids with a safe home

^^ this.
As a social worker, please don't try to leave your children behind. Emotional wellbeing support could be arranged via school or via domestic abuse agencies sometimes, to help the kids understand what they've seen. They are victims of domestic abuse too, even as witnesses.

You need to safeguard all of your children. Children don't have the context of what a relationship should look like , so if they see abuse and are manipulated to think it's okay, that's what they will believe unless told otherwise. They will also be in survival mode and need to appease their dad - see trauma responses (fight flight freeze friend)

What is your local domestic abuse agency? Contact them and get support asap.

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HollyKnight · 20/01/2024 00:00

I thought you were going to say they are teenagers. They're tiny! They don't know what's good for them. They don't get a say in this. It is your responsibility to protect them. That means not leaving them with their toxic father.

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Myhubbyisasweetheart · 20/01/2024 00:02

ISSTIUTNG · 19/01/2024 23:03

Exactly. I don't want to stick the knife in but my heart breaks for the kids in this. A highly emotionally and physically abusive dad. A mum who has ridiculously overinflated expectations of their emotional maturity to a point that she's almost also emotionally abusing them herself and refusing to protect them. Who's going to do what's right for these poor babies???

Holy Jeeze you nasty piece of work. This woman clearly is going through an ordeal and can't think straight, and you're laying on an attack??

If you're going to spew such nonsense, keep your mouth shut

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Notalldogs23 · 20/01/2024 00:05

The kids don't get to decide who they stay with, they're too young. If you can't decide residence via mediation then the courts can decide, but as pps have said, base should be 50/50. And he may not want 50/50 when it means that he'll have to try to find some work.

Once you're out of your abusive relationship you can rebuild your relationship with your kids.

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CharlotteBog · 20/01/2024 00:10

Willyoujustbequiet · 19/01/2024 23:21

This.

I would tread very carefully.

The courts won't look kindly on you removing them from their primary carer. This could well backfire.

Even if you had evidence of abuse it will be incredibly difficult. I had independent witness statements, bruises, CCTV...it counted for nothing. The system is stacked against women, especially if he's the main care giver.

If I was you I would play the long game. Go for 50/50 and build your relationship. There is a real risk of you just getting EOW if you don't.

OP has police reports and past social service involvement due to the abuse.

OP, my ex was (nominally) primary carer. I didn't lose my children.

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ISSTIUTNG · 20/01/2024 00:12

Myhubbyisasweetheart · 20/01/2024 00:02

Holy Jeeze you nasty piece of work. This woman clearly is going through an ordeal and can't think straight, and you're laying on an attack??

If you're going to spew such nonsense, keep your mouth shut

So are you saying that it's reasonable to expect a 5 and a 7 year old to have enough insight into an abusive relationship (and the only one they've known) that they stick up for themselves and the grown woman who is seemingly no more capable of sticking up for herself? You think the use of language such as 'they are on his side' is appropriate.... as if they have any control over this shitshow? You think they are less deserving of being protected? I feel for OP and I want her to get help but she needs to be told straight that the only option here is to step up. These kids are the truly powerless ones and should be the priority. Nobody should be talking about them being left to the mercy of this man like a bloody wet lettuce

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Peaceandquietandacuppa · 20/01/2024 00:13

Please, they are so young to leave them with this abusive twat. Call womens aid or social services for advice, get a womens refuge. If your kids have seen him do this they will be affected even if they don’t show it. Please don’t leave them with him, they will be next when they are older.

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Peaceandquietandacuppa · 20/01/2024 00:15

HollyKnight · 20/01/2024 00:00

I thought you were going to say they are teenagers. They're tiny! They don't know what's good for them. They don't get a say in this. It is your responsibility to protect them. That means not leaving them with their toxic father.

This

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PeggySooo · 20/01/2024 00:31

@ISSTIUTNG what is actually up with you? Do you not know that you can encourage someone to leave without kicking them whilst they're down? You have the tact of a brick to the face

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ISSTIUTNG · 20/01/2024 00:33

PeggySooo · 20/01/2024 00:31

@ISSTIUTNG what is actually up with you? Do you not know that you can encourage someone to leave without kicking them whilst they're down? You have the tact of a brick to the face

Well at least I'm actually telling her to leave rather than fearmongering or feeding into the absolutely absurd narritive that these poor kids have any capactiy in this situation

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PeggySooo · 20/01/2024 00:38

ISSTIUTNG · 20/01/2024 00:33

Well at least I'm actually telling her to leave rather than fearmongering or feeding into the absolutely absurd narritive that these poor kids have any capactiy in this situation

Fearmongering? Are you aware of the amount of women who die at the hands of men a year? Look up Counting Dead Women on Twitter if you'd like an idea. Then come back to me with your fearmongering nonsense.

These things need doing carefully and people doing them need to consider ALL aspects of theirs and their childrens safety when they plan to leave, because not all abusers say "oh okay love, see you then!" when they try to walk out of the door. It can be okay or it can be an extremely dangerous situation. I'd rather err on the side of caution for the sake of my children. OPs husband already told her she wont see her kids again, so has already taken the position of weaponising them.

You are correct in the fact that OP should not be considering what the children want in this scenario though because they are not old enough to understand.

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