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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m leaving DH but kids don’t want to come with me

211 replies

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:34

I’m leaving DH through the night we have 3 dc’s together. I’m the main earner and because of this he has been the main caregiver. He has controlled my kids so much and turned them against me they hate me so much. He undermines me in front of them so they just think I’m a joke.

Do I just take 1 year old ds? the older two won’t come with me? He is saying I won’t see my kids ever again.

I’ve booked and Airbnb for a week then I will have to sort out some housing.

OP posts:
Serrina · 20/01/2024 09:16

Starblind19 · 20/01/2024 08:06

Contact a specific domestic violence solicitor.

They will put an emergency appeal in for a non molestation order in. Submit previous police reports as evidence.
Get out of there even if it is a hotel or get him removed.
Then you need to contact the local authority explain what's going on but know there is no option back then without loosing your children. Ask them what to do in regards to contact as you don't want to cause harm to the children. Speak to your work or get signed off. You need time and go and see what you are entitled to without him in your life. You need support with childcare now too.

You can't just take the kids away even if he's being awful unfortunately I have learnt the hard way even with your own children there are processes to follow. This is your wake up call it is so much better being alone with your children than putting up with this

"Can't just take the kids away"?? Yes you can, especially if he's being abusive. Plenty of us have done just that.

Ethylred · 20/01/2024 09:27

Fgs talk to a lawyer.

Starblind19 · 20/01/2024 09:28

@Serrina

I mean the court view it as disruptive to the family. There will be all kinds of evidence and what not needed. Also they will view if he is abusive towards the children I have had a few solicitors tell me that they will not stop contact with fathers unless direct child abuse has taken place. Unfortunately OP is in a vulnerable situation the father in this case is the main care giver so that is why I am saying she needs to be careful sometimes the court system can be incredibly cruel. So the best bet would be to atleast offer supervised contact. And put other things in place. Just because your experience meant that your children didn't have to see the other parent does not mean that everyone's situation is the same unfortunately.

TheSquareMile · 20/01/2024 09:42

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:34

I’m leaving DH through the night we have 3 dc’s together. I’m the main earner and because of this he has been the main caregiver. He has controlled my kids so much and turned them against me they hate me so much. He undermines me in front of them so they just think I’m a joke.

Do I just take 1 year old ds? the older two won’t come with me? He is saying I won’t see my kids ever again.

I’ve booked and Airbnb for a week then I will have to sort out some housing.

As you say that you are leaving 'through the night', does that mean that you have now left and are elsewhere?

If you are still at home, are you safe?

What is the situation today?

Original poster
Flabbymummy1 · 20/01/2024 14:30

We left this morning at 5:30 spent most of the day in the car! I’ve took the 2 kids DD didn’t want to come. Waiting to check in at 17:00. It’s only for a week so I need to sort out some housing asap.

OP posts:
Howbizarre22 · 20/01/2024 14:52

Well done OP. Stay as calm & reassuring as you can fir the kids. Try again for your dd soon she’s better off with you. Are there other family men that can talk to her? It’s a very confusing & scary situation for her too

PeggySooo · 20/01/2024 14:55

Flabbymummy1 · 20/01/2024 14:30

We left this morning at 5:30 spent most of the day in the car! I’ve took the 2 kids DD didn’t want to come. Waiting to check in at 17:00. It’s only for a week so I need to sort out some housing asap.

So proud of you op. Well done. Please try to get your daughter to safety when you can. Leaving one behind puts your safeguarding concerns into doubt, from a legal perspective. The courts would wonder why you felt safe to leave one

TheSquareMile · 20/01/2024 16:04

@Flabbymummy1

I'm wondering whether it would be in your interests to ring the number for the Duty Social Worker today, just to let them know what has happened.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/01/2024 16:56

Please report the most recent abuse. Well done for taking such a big step

Moreorlessmentallystable · 20/01/2024 16:58

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:43

He will say your mums a rubbish mum she hasn’t made you any dinner yet. Whilst I’m working all day and he’s sat on the sofa. Will say I’m a tramp and that I don’t care about them and all I care about is myself.

It isn’t the truth I love them to bits I just feel trapped by him. He always calls me his slave because he doesn’t have to work.

The kids are all on his side, they have seen him grab me by the neck and chuck me across the floor and they seen me cry but they were just holding on to him.

Why on Earth would you leave your kids with an abusive parent? Regardless of what they think they want...

uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/01/2024 17:01

Well done for getting out
Get advice from womens aid or NCDV if you need it and inform SS as soon as you can
They will see you are safeguarding your DC and will help you

AcrossthePond55 · 20/01/2024 17:24

@Flabbymummy1

I'm glad you and 2 of your DC are out. Now you need to work on getting DD out as she will now become the sole focus of his nastiness about you and that's not right or fair for her.

dottypencilcase · 20/01/2024 19:20

PLEASE don't give up on your kids. Ever. Call the police and let social services be involved- they need to be. You and your children are traumatised.

tolerable · 20/01/2024 19:35

am so glad youve managed to leave .do you mean took 2 reluctant or took 2 and left dd?
regardless-well done. you need to have a wee bit rest. Try to make this the start of happier times for you and the kids. You also really need to call /online chat even to womans aid. The support you will gain from them is essential to you right now. thinking of you-i know how draining it feels-stay positive.xx

SisterSabotage · 20/01/2024 20:22

Moreorlessmentallystable · 20/01/2024 16:58

Why on Earth would you leave your kids with an abusive parent? Regardless of what they think they want...

Show quote history

She has explained why.

Why on earth would you post such a dick message to somebody in crisis?

Georgeandzippyzoo · 20/01/2024 20:51

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:43

He will say your mums a rubbish mum she hasn’t made you any dinner yet. Whilst I’m working all day and he’s sat on the sofa. Will say I’m a tramp and that I don’t care about them and all I care about is myself.

It isn’t the truth I love them to bits I just feel trapped by him. He always calls me his slave because he doesn’t have to work.

The kids are all on his side, they have seen him grab me by the neck and chuck me across the floor and they seen me cry but they were just holding on to him.

Am a foster carer and have worked with and done training on trauma , care giving etc.

Children rely on the main care giver to be their safe person. The one you trust to take care of you.
When your children witnessed this you say they clung to him. He is an abuser and they realise that their 'safe person' is not safe and as others have said they learn to appease them, to keep the abuser happy which in turn keeps m themselves safe. It truly screws kids up, and they need good support to overcome it.

Have you reported any of the abuse? Is there documented evidence which would help in taking the children for their safety? I know you need to get out but I'd worry about leaving them with him !

BlueGrey1 · 20/01/2024 21:17

@Flabbymummy1

its great that you have got out and managed the get all the kids, enjoy your first night away from him

Moreorlessmentallystable · 20/01/2024 21:33

SisterSabotage · 20/01/2024 20:22

She has explained why.

Why on earth would you post such a dick message to somebody in crisis?

Show quote history

"the kids are on his side" is not an explanation or reason enough for her to think it would be appropriate for the kids to stay with someone that strangers people!!..I know she is in crisis, but she is asking for opinions, and this is way out of order to think leaving the kids with his partner is an option. Why do you think you need to be a dick to me?

HollyKnight · 20/01/2024 22:00

I hope by "the 2 kids" you mean the older two AND the baby. If not, go get your daughter! She will be traumatised knowing you've left her and you'll have given him fuel to poison her with. "See, mummy left you because she doesn't love you like I told you before."

SisterSabotage · 20/01/2024 23:21

Moreorlessmentallystable · 20/01/2024 21:33

"the kids are on his side" is not an explanation or reason enough for her to think it would be appropriate for the kids to stay with someone that strangers people!!..I know she is in crisis, but she is asking for opinions, and this is way out of order to think leaving the kids with his partner is an option. Why do you think you need to be a dick to me?

Show quote history

Ah so you you weren't asking why,you were asking why she wouldn't do what you think she should do. That makes sense.

I think if you work on typing out what you actually mean, it'll be less confusing.

Just say, "I judge you horribly for not dealing with your crisis the way I imagine you should even though I know nothing of the reality of abuse and trauma".

Serrina · 21/01/2024 00:34

Flabbymummy1 · 20/01/2024 14:30

We left this morning at 5:30 spent most of the day in the car! I’ve took the 2 kids DD didn’t want to come. Waiting to check in at 17:00. It’s only for a week so I need to sort out some housing asap.

First thing Monday morning go down to the local council and tell them you've fled domestic violence and have nowhere to stay. Then take it from there. Get your DD out of there as well, if that means getting the police to escort you to the house then so be it.

justrecognisedmyneighbouronhere · 21/01/2024 01:20

At the age your children are you would have been better off taking all three. They're not old enough to make huge life decisions like that. Go and see a solicitor and mention coercive control.

Wheresmemum · 21/01/2024 01:22

I'm so glad to hear you've left the perp! If you can at some point soon contact social services to remove your daughter to a place of safety, which is with you! Good luck, I sincerely hope all goes well for you and your kids! It will be difficult as I'm sure you know, but stick it out it'll be worth it in the end!

femfemlicious · 21/01/2024 01:33

Let him hit you again and call the police. That's what I would do . He should leave not you.

heartofglass23 · 21/01/2024 02:29

Get evidence of this emotional and verbal abuse before you leave.

Get advice from women's aid.

Can you not go to one of their refuges? They aren't just for physical abuse.