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AIBU?

I’m leaving DH but kids don’t want to come with me

210 replies

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:34

I’m leaving DH through the night we have 3 dc’s together. I’m the main earner and because of this he has been the main caregiver. He has controlled my kids so much and turned them against me they hate me so much. He undermines me in front of them so they just think I’m a joke.

Do I just take 1 year old ds? the older two won’t come with me? He is saying I won’t see my kids ever again.

I’ve booked and Airbnb for a week then I will have to sort out some housing.

OP posts:
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RogueFemale · 20/01/2024 00:40

Go see a divorce solicitor next week.

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MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/01/2024 00:41

Don’t leave your kids-they are too young to make decisions-you must do it for them and keep them safe. He will abuse them once you’re not there to protect them.

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Serrina · 20/01/2024 01:00

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:43

He will say your mums a rubbish mum she hasn’t made you any dinner yet. Whilst I’m working all day and he’s sat on the sofa. Will say I’m a tramp and that I don’t care about them and all I care about is myself.

It isn’t the truth I love them to bits I just feel trapped by him. He always calls me his slave because he doesn’t have to work.

The kids are all on his side, they have seen him grab me by the neck and chuck me across the floor and they seen me cry but they were just holding on to him.

Do NOT leave your children with this man. He's already been violent towards you, who's to say he won't turn that towards the kids when you're not there??

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thisisasurvivor · 20/01/2024 01:09

Am I missing something here

Op is There a way to lock him out
Get police to remove him?

I could be wrong but just checking

Why should you leave
He is the abuser

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maddening · 20/01/2024 01:15

You need to.prove parental alienation imo

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Willyoujustbequiet · 20/01/2024 01:24

CharlotteBog · 20/01/2024 00:10

OP has police reports and past social service involvement due to the abuse.

OP, my ex was (nominally) primary carer. I didn't lose my children.

I had police reports and a s.7 recommending no contact due to his abuse against myself and dc . An earlier judge sent him on a perpetrators course.

He still got unsupervised contact against their wishes and they were older.

Unfortunately it depends on what judge you get on the day and many are blatantly misogynistic. Men win more child contact cases in family court than women. I believe the OP, I just urge caution as there are no guarantees.

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Lavender14 · 20/01/2024 01:31

I worked with a number of families in this situation, and some kids who really massively struggled that their mum made them leave. It was hard watching them figure out the truth but it was necessary. I'd try to find a way to bring them. Even if it means not telling them what's happening. It sounds cruel but your husband is abusing you and is using your children in order to abuse you. Contact womens aid for support, they will have Youth workers who can help your kids navigate this all as well. Get legal advice ASAP and if you can keep any emails or texts from your husband that prove emotional abuse or abuse as a mother. I'd also get in touch with your kids school and involve them and social services. Your kids will need support to help them understand why things are happening the way they are and to help you rebuild that relationship with them.

I'd not tell them where you're going just bundle them into the car and explain when you arrive. And make sure they don't have a way to contact him and tell him where you are. They will react strongly op, but it's the right thing. Often children will side with the abusive parent because that's 'safer' than siding with the abused parent. Plus they know the abused parent will still love and forgive them. Your older kids might be more aware than you realise even if they're trained not to show it. You're doing the right thing.

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Tryingmybestadhd · 20/01/2024 01:37

No way in hell you should leave your children with a violent man . Do you have any records of violence ? Medical , police , photos etc ? Please take the children , contact a women’s aid . You need to keep your children away from him

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Deathbyfluffy · 20/01/2024 01:42

Resisterance · 19/01/2024 19:49

If they stay with him, he will make you pay for child maintenance for them. In fact this is a reason why It’s in his interest to get them to stay.

If you leave without them you won't get them back of he is like this.

Find a way to take them with you.

Or change the locks when he's out.

It’s a marital home, so assuming he’s on the deeds he has a right reside there - changing the locks would be unlawful and he’d be able to force entry.

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PyongyangKipperbang · 20/01/2024 01:54

Cant stop thinking about this.

Hope you are ok @Flabbymummy1

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kisstheblarney · 20/01/2024 02:30

Do not leave the children with him, get SS involved.

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beachcitygirl · 20/01/2024 02:42

Please please please do t Leave them with him. Contact women's aid. Don't leave family home
Just yet. Do the freedom program, work on your self esteem, see a good family lawyer ?(save for this if you need to )

Do NOT make rash decisions!! Talk on here anytime

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RowanMayfair · 20/01/2024 02:48

thisisasurvivor · 20/01/2024 01:09

Am I missing something here

Op is There a way to lock him out
Get police to remove him?

I could be wrong but just checking

Why should you leave
He is the abuser

She can't change the locks and police will only remove him if he's committed a crime and it meets the threshold for bail conditions. She needs to leave and plan once she's out.

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thebestinterest · 20/01/2024 03:57

Why are you leaving in this manner? Are you worried for your safety? Couldn’t you sort this out in the light of day and file for divorce?

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thebestinterest · 20/01/2024 04:01

Okay — just seeing your update about the domestic abuse. OP, your children really are too young to be left behind. If you do leave them, you would be proving him right that you in fact do not care about them. Your children will see it this way. It’s highly likely that they are “attached” to him as a form of survival… they know he’s dangerous and he could turn on them. It’s survival instincts.

my advice? Pack your children ALL UP and leave. Do not leave any child behind.

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Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/01/2024 04:22

Report the most recent abuse. He is controlling the kids coercively. Please take them with you.

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Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 20/01/2024 04:25

These children are incredibly vulnerable. Alternatively call the police and ask them to remove DH due to abusive behaviour. He can leave the home. The police can make him.

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Nanaof1 · 20/01/2024 05:42

Why doesn't he work? Who controls the money you bring in to the family?

It's not that the kids prefer him over you. It's they are scared shitless what he might do to them if they took your side. Don't leave them there to deal with his wrath. Is any of this a culture issue, where he feels entitled to the children, or his family does?

Get help! Women's abuse services, a solicitor, a private detective, whatever /whomever you can get. Start putting your phone on record so you can record him saying and doing these things. Is it possible to get hidden cameras in a couple of places in the house where the feed can be stored off-site?

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Paddington42 · 20/01/2024 05:53

First of all I am so sorry you are in this situation it must be so hard for you. It’s completely unacceptable for your DH to talk badly of you to your children. It’s actually cruel to them. And horrendous for you.

im glad you have the strength and means to leave him. Have you thought about having a free half hour appointment with three different solicitors for advice? I did this (for my divorce though) and although 2 were terrible as were Citizens Advice, the 3rd was amazing and i booked an hour with her after that and felt so tooled up and supported. It changed everything a I realised I had so many more rights than the other solicitors thought.

Your older children are actually so young. I worry that if you leave they will always remember and see it as you left them.

My advice to you is stick with all three of your children (don’t let DH drive you out) and get legal advice but from a great family solicitor to get you in a strong long term position and give you a solid plan.

If it’s safe to do so, stay a few more weeks until you have a strong plan in place.

Best of luck, I really feel for you, your ex is not a good man at all. You are first and foremost a mother and also work hard and please don’t let him take your 5 and 7 year olds away from you. They are not secondary school age with their own minds yet.

Take care xx

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Judgejudysno1fan · 20/01/2024 06:09

CHANGE THEIR SCHOOLS ALSO!

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rainbowstardrops · 20/01/2024 06:29

I really hope you've either got out with all your children, or you can do so this morning.
You're (rightly), trying to flee a toxic and abusive situation. You can't leave the little ones to face that without you.

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Fullofxmascbeer · 20/01/2024 07:01

You’ve got proof with the police records that he is abusive and you aren’t just saying it now to get custody. Call Womens Aid.

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Aishah231 · 20/01/2024 07:24

Don't leave them OP. What they say and what they think at 5 and 7 are two different things. Go to court for at least 50/50. Ideally report him to the police. They are probably terrified of him and not of you - hence they take his side. I grew up in a warped house like this. Children often back the abuser because they are trained to do so. Don't talk to them about this. Talk to them about normal stuff. Do nice things with them. They'll come round.

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wellhello24 · 20/01/2024 07:43

DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN WITH THIS VIOLENT ABUSIVE MAN TAKE THEM WITH YOU THEY CLING TO HIM BECAUSE THEY ARE TERRIFIED OF HIM DO NOT LEAVE THEM

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Starblind19 · 20/01/2024 08:06

Contact a specific domestic violence solicitor.

They will put an emergency appeal in for a non molestation order in. Submit previous police reports as evidence.
Get out of there even if it is a hotel or get him removed.
Then you need to contact the local authority explain what's going on but know there is no option back then without loosing your children. Ask them what to do in regards to contact as you don't want to cause harm to the children. Speak to your work or get signed off. You need time and go and see what you are entitled to without him in your life. You need support with childcare now too.

You can't just take the kids away even if he's being awful unfortunately I have learnt the hard way even with your own children there are processes to follow. This is your wake up call it is so much better being alone with your children than putting up with this

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