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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m leaving DH but kids don’t want to come with me

211 replies

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:34

I’m leaving DH through the night we have 3 dc’s together. I’m the main earner and because of this he has been the main caregiver. He has controlled my kids so much and turned them against me they hate me so much. He undermines me in front of them so they just think I’m a joke.

Do I just take 1 year old ds? the older two won’t come with me? He is saying I won’t see my kids ever again.

I’ve booked and Airbnb for a week then I will have to sort out some housing.

OP posts:
Sunflower8848 · 19/01/2024 20:02

You need to start documenting everything. Take photos of any physical injuries you have. Can you set some covert hidden cameras around the house to record any abuse?

Peeony · 19/01/2024 20:02

Ring womens aid or ask your social worker for help. He is clearly abusive and you need to take the children.

Hazil · 19/01/2024 20:03

Ok so he’s been violent to you, what I would do, which may be right or wrong, is lie to the children to get the car with me and then take them to stay somewhere else where he couldn’t find us and tell them it’s a holiday until the judge decides what should happen and then get a lawyer to argue for full custody on the basis that he is violent and emotionally abusive and that he is deliberately doing parental alienation.

Speak to Women’s Aid and the police to explain the situation (and get your side of the story heard by the police before he tells his).

Have you hired a family law solicitor? If not do so asap.

Peeony · 19/01/2024 20:03

If police and social workers have been involved there is already evidence of the abuse. Do not stay to gather evidence.

Peeony · 19/01/2024 20:05

Ignore what the children might want: they are not old enough to make a good decision. You as the adult decide what is best for them.

NCA24 · 19/01/2024 20:06

Absolutely take them with you. They're too young to make the decision. You'll be leaving them in an abusive situation - the same one you're trying to leave. Make the decision for them. Sending you love.

ArnieLinson · 19/01/2024 20:07

He is abusive. Take them all and contact the police. Contact a solicitor. Report everything. Dont leave small children with an abusive man

VampireWeekday · 19/01/2024 20:08

He has physically assaulted you and he'll be extra angry now you're leaving him. Please take the children with you. Can ylu afford to book leave off work and take them on "holiday" (e.g. An air bnb). You just need bonding time, they love you really. When it's just you four they'll start to feel safe and see that you are strong and able to protect them.

mamacorn1 · 19/01/2024 20:08

Take the baby and get a solicitor quick. You need to get into family court.

Alwaysalwayscold · 19/01/2024 20:09

You can't just take off in the middle of the night and leave your children with an abuser.

Frangipanyoul8r · 19/01/2024 20:09

You AND your children need protection from this violent man. In no circumstances should you leave the relationship and not take the children with you. You have no idea how much his violence will escalate and who will be his target without you there.

Noseybookworm · 19/01/2024 20:11

7 and 5 is too young for them to make a decision about which parent they want to be with. Take all 3 children and get legal advice ASAP. Ring Women's Aid too for advice. Don't give your ex any advance warning. My friend's ex-husband got a court order preventing her from removing the children from the family home. It was temporary but came as a huge shock 😔

MaryShelley1818 · 19/01/2024 20:12

You don't leave your young children who have no way to protect themselves with someone you know is an abuser.
Do anything you need to to get them away from him. Show them he's wrong.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 19/01/2024 20:12

Please take the kids and go.

3luckystars · 19/01/2024 20:13

Take them all!

Bosmom · 19/01/2024 20:17

Your children would suffer greatly if you leave them with him. He sounds like a horrible human being !

Given they are kids and he is the primary caregiver, they will naturally want to side with him at that age as they do not know any better, which is so sad. Or they are simply responding from trauma. Even if he takes care of them properly (which I doubt), he is likely going to be abusive towards them (if he is not already doing so)

Do not leave your kids with him, even if it means lying to them as to where you are going to - a visit to grandma, a trip somewhere, anything. When you leave, you can then rebuild the relationship with your kids

Also get a recording of him being abusive towards you and play that for the police or for social services so that they could see that even if the kids may want to be there, they are just responding from trauma and he is not good for them
Please reach out to women’s aid right away !

I am sending loads of love to you ❤️❤️❤️

Ger1atricMillennial · 19/01/2024 20:18

OP you need more assistance than MN can give you. Do you have anyone else you can call to help?

Adhdeeedout · 19/01/2024 20:18

The children don’t hate you at 5 and 7 it’s impossible to hate you, they’re reacting to their dad’s behaviour. They’re scared of him. They’re young enough to escape and grow up safe and have a good relationship with you. If you leave them with him it will be much harder. Call women’s aid asap. Call the police. Do what you need to to get that man away from you and your kids

CharlesChickens · 19/01/2024 20:18

Take all your children, and rebuild closeness with the older two. They are still little, they live with an abusive man, please don’t leave them with him.

hot2trotter · 19/01/2024 20:22

No way could I ever leave my children behind, no matter what the circumstances. Report the abuse to the police and keep your babies safe.

Damnedidont · 19/01/2024 20:22

Once you get free you can ask the courts to stop his parental alienation and that is the first step to getting your older children back. You need legal advice ASAP

Mariposistaaa · 19/01/2024 20:22

At 5 and 7 they don’t get a choice.
Take all and let him fight it through the courts.

nocoolnamesleft · 19/01/2024 20:24

He is emotionally abusing your children. Assaulting their mother in front of them is emotional abuse.

Honeybeebuzz · 19/01/2024 20:26

DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT YOUR CHILDREN!!

This is will reflect poorly on you when you go to Court for contact. You need to plan things out for the benefit of your children. You have already placed them in harms way by remaining with him while he abused you in front of them. They are 7, 5 and 1 you need to remove them from this situation and take them with you
You need to;

  1. Contact womens aid, ask them for a support worker/counselling now, be honest about the situation. They can support you to move out independently
  1. Contact the police- you can report historical incidents of physical abuse, the more evidence the better
  1. Contact your GP, report stressful homelife/abusive relationship and need counselling/support/medication

4.. Contact a solicitor - seek a residence order/ no contact order/ non molestation order against your ex. I dont know the specifics of your living situation but he needs to leave not you

  1. Contact social services- advise them you need support in an abusive situation, your ex physically abuses you in front of them and you want to leave but need support. They may be able to help with an order being put in place. They will not remove your children if you are showing you are a protective parent and getting help from women's aid

At this stage your ex is an abuser and it doesn't matter if your children are saying they prefer him, it is not in their best interests to be left with him. You need to be a protective and proactive parent now

NameChanged112 · 19/01/2024 20:28

I wouldn't leave them with him. get social services involved so they cannot stay with him. even if they are temporarily removed to foster care it's better than being left with an abusive man. if you leave them with him now you have lost any argument that they aren't safe in his care because of his abuse. stay a bit longer and seek proper help and advice from Women's aid, police, social services

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