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AIBU?

I’m leaving DH but kids don’t want to come with me

210 replies

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:34

I’m leaving DH through the night we have 3 dc’s together. I’m the main earner and because of this he has been the main caregiver. He has controlled my kids so much and turned them against me they hate me so much. He undermines me in front of them so they just think I’m a joke.

Do I just take 1 year old ds? the older two won’t come with me? He is saying I won’t see my kids ever again.

I’ve booked and Airbnb for a week then I will have to sort out some housing.

OP posts:
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Saytheyhear · 19/01/2024 21:13

You need to take all three children. He will play one off against the other because you aren't there to target.
He will ruin their relationship with each other because it has to be about him.
It's how they work.

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Nonomono · 19/01/2024 21:14

Flabbymummy1 · 19/01/2024 19:46

I use to call the police on him but I stopped because social services got involved and I feared loosing them. I am in the position to leave now I never was before.

When was the last time he was physical with you?

If you are in immediate danger then please leave, but if not you need to get the police and SS involved and get HIM to leave.

If you leave, then of course the kids are going to see you in a bad light.

If the police/SS force him to leave, they may be mad with you but not as mad as if you leave.

Please ring women’s aid and ask for their advice.

I wouldn’t judge you for leaving but he is the one who has done wrong and you shouldn’t have to leave your home and kids over it.

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Nextweektoo · 19/01/2024 21:17

Speak to women's aid or similar and get a refuge instead. He won't know your whereabouts and this will give you some breathing room and they can look at DA support programmes for your little ones.

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Brats4kid · 19/01/2024 21:22

That is abuse, you are in an abusive relationship. There are charities and people that can help you. Have you thought about Claires Law? Your children are not safe with that man. How long will it be before he turns on them? Have you got family that can help you get them all away from him?

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Josette77 · 19/01/2024 21:24

No. Do not leave your kids with an abuser.

Call the police and get social involved.. Honestly as it is the kids would be better off removed then that home.

I say this as a former foster kid.

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Whitebubles · 19/01/2024 21:24

I'm in similar sytuation but kids over the age of 13 completely twisted kids against me. Domestic violence had been going for years kids swear to me exactly the same how he did and disrespect me. If you stay it will get worse because they will get older. Get out now. SS left me with everything to sort out because kids are safe and doing well saying should be 50/50. I'm having refuge domestic violence help now and will be trying to move out unfortunatelly on my own as I won't change my kids decision.

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Parentofeanda · 19/01/2024 21:28

Call social services because then HE will lose them. tell them about the alienating

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RowanMayfair · 19/01/2024 21:30

Parentofeanda · 19/01/2024 21:28

Call social services because then HE will lose them. tell them about the alienating

What do you mean he will lose them? What do you think social services would do?

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MissSookieStackhouse · 19/01/2024 21:32

Take them all. They are not old enough to have say in it. You can win them around once you get them away from his toxic influence.

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SpringCalling · 19/01/2024 21:32

Realistically I think the best thing to go for is 50/50. This is what courts are likely to order if it goes that far. Yes even with dv if the kids themselves have not been hurt. So get yourself a place you can have them and tell him it is 50/50, go to court for that if he makes trouble. i have an ex who initially spoke badly about me (and was found guilty of assault against me). part of the court agreement addressed not bad mouthing the other parent, he had to take anger management too.
your kids are all young enough for this to be reversed.

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pikkumyy77 · 19/01/2024 21:32

F

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Blueink · 19/01/2024 21:32

If he is abusive which you have said he is, you need to just take them all with you OP. I wouldn't feel safe to leave them with him once you have left the family home. They are all very young and have witnessed domestic violence at his hands, he is not fit to be left to parent them.

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Twilight7777 · 19/01/2024 21:33

It’s a domestic abuse situation and the kids are very young, too young to make a decision like that when they are in an emotional place. I think you should take all of them whilst getting support from social services who would support you to find a safe place away from your ‘D’ H. It sounds like the kids are already being emotionally abused by him which could escalate if you aren’t there.

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RowanMayfair · 19/01/2024 21:33

Nonomono · 19/01/2024 21:14

When was the last time he was physical with you?

If you are in immediate danger then please leave, but if not you need to get the police and SS involved and get HIM to leave.

If you leave, then of course the kids are going to see you in a bad light.

If the police/SS force him to leave, they may be mad with you but not as mad as if you leave.

Please ring women’s aid and ask for their advice.

I wouldn’t judge you for leaving but he is the one who has done wrong and you shouldn’t have to leave your home and kids over it.

Police can't force him to leave unless they arrest him and they can't do that unless she reports a crime and it meets the threshold for bail conditions. Social services can't make him leave under any circumstances.

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EasterIssland · 19/01/2024 21:36

I’m unsure about what I’m going to say but could he report your for kidnapping and taking the kids out of their house against their will? I’d be very worried about doing this without legal advice that this can’t go against me

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humus · 19/01/2024 21:40

The children are very young, take them if you can and contact women’s aid for advice.

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RowanMayfair · 19/01/2024 21:41

EasterIssland · 19/01/2024 21:36

I’m unsure about what I’m going to say but could he report your for kidnapping and taking the kids out of their house against their will? I’d be very worried about doing this without legal advice that this can’t go against me

No. Neither parent can report the other for kidnap. If there's a court order in place they can go back to court to recover the kids but it's not usually a criminal matter, it's civil. If one parent removes the child from the jurisdiction without consent that's a different matter but just taking them away from their home isn't kidnap.

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RadiatorHead · 19/01/2024 21:43

Just because you’re the mum, it doesn’t automatically mean you get custody. Harsh but true. If he cares for them full time and they’re old enough to choose then surely you can see you have to leave them behind, unless he’s abusing them of course. Hope you get it sorted.

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RowanMayfair · 19/01/2024 21:48

RadiatorHead · 19/01/2024 21:43

Just because you’re the mum, it doesn’t automatically mean you get custody. Harsh but true. If he cares for them full time and they’re old enough to choose then surely you can see you have to leave them behind, unless he’s abusing them of course. Hope you get it sorted.

He is abusing them, she's already set that out on the thread.

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Mummyoflittledragon · 19/01/2024 21:49

Honeybeebuzz · 19/01/2024 20:26

DO NOT LEAVE WITHOUT YOUR CHILDREN!!

This is will reflect poorly on you when you go to Court for contact. You need to plan things out for the benefit of your children. You have already placed them in harms way by remaining with him while he abused you in front of them. They are 7, 5 and 1 you need to remove them from this situation and take them with you
You need to;

  1. Contact womens aid, ask them for a support worker/counselling now, be honest about the situation. They can support you to move out independently


  1. Contact the police- you can report historical incidents of physical abuse, the more evidence the better


  1. Contact your GP, report stressful homelife/abusive relationship and need counselling/support/medication


4.. Contact a solicitor - seek a residence order/ no contact order/ non molestation order against your ex. I dont know the specifics of your living situation but he needs to leave not you

  1. Contact social services- advise them you need support in an abusive situation, your ex physically abuses you in front of them and you want to leave but need support. They may be able to help with an order being put in place. They will not remove your children if you are showing you are a protective parent and getting help from women's aid


At this stage your ex is an abuser and it doesn't matter if your children are saying they prefer him, it is not in their best interests to be left with him. You need to be a protective and proactive parent now

Just reposting I hope you’re ok op.

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Actupfishy · 19/01/2024 21:54

RadiatorHead · 19/01/2024 21:43

Just because you’re the mum, it doesn’t automatically mean you get custody. Harsh but true. If he cares for them full time and they’re old enough to choose then surely you can see you have to leave them behind, unless he’s abusing them of course. Hope you get it sorted.

Have you read the updated post?

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mummy21blueeyed · 19/01/2024 21:57

@Flabbymummy1 please don’t leave your one year old to get this treatment and one day your elder children will know their dad for who he is! I wish you all the luck in the world in your journey and hope you heal from this man and his behaviour.

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MeMySonAnd1 · 19/01/2024 21:59

Unless you are in danger, you are not yet ready to leave. Sort accommodation first then leave will your children.

Don’t discuss with your children where they want to stay, they are far too young to be burdened with such a big decision.

if you are in danger, take them all to McDonald’s for a treat and do not go back.

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Talkwhilstyouwalk · 19/01/2024 22:00

You confidence and self esteem are at rock bottom, as evidenced even by your user name. You and your children deserve SO much more. Don't leave the kids with him, they are too young to make a decision. Work out a plan, seek legal advice if you can. You can explain to them later how abnormal their father's behaviour is.....

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BalletBob · 19/01/2024 22:01

You cannot leave your children with a violent man who has thrown you across the room by your throat.

They don't favour him; they are scared of him.

Call Women's Aid and ask for help fleeing an abusive marriage with your children. Seek urgent legal advice RE getting him out of the house and away from you and the kids.

Do not leave your very young children with a violent man. I can't imagine that social services or the courts would look favourably upon this when weighing up your version of events.

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